Positive Cynicism – Open letters

Aaron R. Davis

Excuse me while I take care of some business.

Dear Joel Silver:

As far as I can tell, you’re the only one who doesn’t want to see a Veronica Mars movie. But you’re also the one who couldn’t make a Wonder Woman movie work, either, and your big innovation was to turn it into a coming-of-age story with a hot teenager in the role. Are there any women producers at Warner Bros. who could handle Veronica Mars — or any other movie about women — instead?

Sincerely,
Aaron R. Davis

Dear Internet:

The humor value of simply pasting Mr. Bean’s head onto something has been vastly overrated.

Keep reaching for the stars,
Aaron R. Davis

Dear TMZ:

Talking about a teenager’s sexuality from behind a veil of stern disapproval and assumed moral authority is really just a less honest way of exploiting a teenager’s sexuality.

Seeing right through your bullshit,
Aaron R. Davis

Dear Cute Overload:

How come you never think my bunny is cute? My bunny is so cute he’ll give you diabetes just looking at him!

Adorably yours,
Aaron R. Davis

Dear Sarah Palin supporters:

Are you fucking kidding me?

Laughingly yours,
Aaron R. Davis

Dear Dax Shepard:

I am prepared to fight you to the death for Kristen Bell. Do not test me on this.

Murderously yours,
Aaron R. Davis

Dear Elmo:

Aaron didn’t used to like you. Aaron worked in retail when the Elmo Craze was going full swing. But now Aaron doesn’t mind you so much, because Aaron despises Abby Cadabby much, much more. So Aaron and Elmo are cool now.

Muppet fo’ life,
Aaron R. Davis

Dear Apple fanboys:

“Get a Mac” is not actually helpful advice when I’m frustrated and trying to fix my PC. It is, however, a good way to get me to punch you in the throat. You want to talk Mac vs. PC some time, fine, but right now is not the time.

Warningly,
Aaron R. Davis

Dear Family Guy viewers:

Please explain to me why spousal abuse is supposed to be so damn funny. Also: Quagmire’s a rapist … why is that hilarious?

Quizzically yours,
Aaron R. Davis

Dear kids on the Internet whining about whether or not Miley Cyrus’ clothes make her a slut:

There’s a gigantic oil leak. Go clean off some birds; it’s doing something for your planet and it builds character. Or get a job this summer. Or play sports. Or read a book (a REAL book, not Twilight). Or volunteer somewhere. Or lock yourself in a sensory deprivation chamber until your head clears. Anything to get some perspective.

Helpfully yours,
Aaron R. Davis

Dear Twilight fans:

I just don’t get it. But you know what? I don’t have to for you to enjoy it. So leave me alone.

Sparklingly yours,
Aaron R. Davis

Dear Internet:

Saying “internets,” “intertubes” and “inner tubes” is no longer funny. Act accordingly.

Editorially yours,
Aaron R. Davis

Dear Rastafarian dude on Wife Swap:

You don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re not as clever as you think you are. You refuse to work and take care of your family. Your religion is not an excuse to be obnoxious, selfish and judgmental. If you don’t shut the fuck up, I promise you Ja will provide a left hook to your I.

Punchingly yours,
Aaron R. Davis

Dear dudes on 16 and Pregnant:

If you really love your pregnant girlfriends, stop sticking them on the backs of ATVs. They’re pregnant!

Level-mindedly yours,
Aaron R. Davis

Dear Guy Whose Website Has Pop-Ups That Won’t Close Because They’re Showing Seven Copies of the Same Annoying Video Ad:

Make peace with your life. Because I am going to track you down. And when I find you, I am going to murder you.

See you soon,
Aaron R. Davis

Dear Tim Burton:

You used to be cool, man. What happened? Why have all your movies in the 21st Century been so damn bad? Leave the daddy issues to Steven Spielberg and get back to making movies that are fun or enveloping or at least watchable. Seriously, I just saw Alice in Wonderland, and it is your WORST movie. Worse even than the execrable (and unnecessary) Planet of the Apes remake. I went into it expecting it to be bad, and yet somehow, it was far worse than I could have possibly imagined. This is the kind of shit you’re passing off as artistry now? Wow, fuck you. What a bad, bad, bad, stupid, obvious, conventional, shit movie.

The only redeeming factors in the whole thing were Danny Elfman (big surprise, since he’s been doing the heavy lifting for you for years), the creative artistry of Imaginism Studios and Anne Hathaway having the grace to at least look vaguely embarrassed to be in such a stupid movie. I hate you for making this. I hate you because it’s sad to think of the kind of great movie someone could have made out of Alice in Wonderland with the resources you had at your disposal. And I hate Johnny Depp for giving up acting and becoming a cartoon at Disney’s beck and call.

Fuck this movie. And fuck you, Tim Burton.

From
Aaron R. Davis

Dear TMZ:

I get it. You guys really hate Lindsay Lohan. The thing is, no one else cares anymore. Move on.

Up-jump the boogie,
Aaron R. Davis

Dear Mars:

Please make Coconut M&M’s FOREVER.

Tastily yours,
Aaron R. Davis

Aaahh … with all of that out, it’s time for me to enjoy my summer.

Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at samuraifrog@yahoo.com.