Hobo Stu’s Weekly Recap

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Hobo Stu

Hobo Stu

Hello everyone,

Here’s what’s new on HoboTrashcan.com this week:

Murphy’s Law – Don’t quit your day job, Hef
In a desperate attempt to stay relevant in a world where magazines are dying and hardcore porn is readily available at the click of a button, Playboy has launched a safe for work website called The Smoking Jacket. The site finally gives fans a chance to prove that they really do read Playboy for the articles. However, there is just one problem – the articles on TSJ suck.

Outside of the In-Crowd – The madman with a box: In celebration of the Eleventh Doctor
Doctor Who fan Courtney Enlow had a hard time letting go of her beloved tenth Doctor, David Tennant. However, once she gave eleventh Doctor Matt Smith a chance, she couldn’t help but be impressed. Thanks to great writing and great acting by Smith, Enlow fully endorses the first Tennant-less season of the show.

Positive Cynicism – Tumblr, I’m very disappointed in you
Last week, Aaron R. Davis was praising Tumblr for being a cutting-edge social networking site. However, after seeing how the site treated an 11-year-old girl called Jessi Slaughter, Davis couldn’t help but see the dark side of Tumblr. This week, he shares Slaughter’s story and speaks out against the site.

Hobo Radio 141 – It’s French for “The Bruce”
It’s not every day that you see a “video art zombie film” about a man convinced he is an alien zombie roaming the streets of L.A. on the prowl for brains and gay sex. Unfortunately, moviegoers in Australia won’t be seeing the film anytime soon, since L.A. Zombie has been banned from being screened at the Melbourne International Film Festival. This week, Joel Murphy and Lars praise L.A. Zombie for its originality and urge Australia to reconsider.

From the Vault – One on One with Kenneth Johnson
It’s not every day that a celebrity is willing to go on the record and say he could crush Sylvester Stallone. Anyone willing to step up and make that kind of bold statement is our kind of guy. So when Kenneth Johnson, of The Shield and Saving Grace fame, promises he could beat Sly in less than a second, that’s not something we’ll soon forget.

In 2008, we caught up with Johnson to chat about working with one of the biggest names in porn, getting killed off of a major television show and being the second-best arm wrestler in the world. If you missed it then, enjoy it now.

- Hobo Stu

Hobo Stu’s Weekly Recap is also available as an email newsletter. To sign up for the newsletter to ensure you never miss an update, send an email to newsletter-subscribe@hobotrashcan.com.

  

Hobo Radio 141 – It’s French for “The Bruce”

Hobo Radio No Comments
  • Introduction
  • Giving blood
  • L.A. Zombie
  • Leonardo DiCaprio and Christopher Nolan
  • Contractually-obligated Fun Time
  • “Skullcrusher Mountain” by Jonathan Coulton

It’s not every day that you see a “video art zombie film” about a man convinced he is an alien zombie roaming the streets of L.A. on the prowl for brains and gay sex. Unfortunately, moviegoers in Australia won’t be seeing the film anytime soon, since L.A. Zombie has been banned from being screened at the Melbourne International Film Festival.

This week, Joel Murphy and Lars praise L.A. Zombie for its originality and urge Australia to reconsider. They also discuss Leonardo DiCaprio’s insufferable smugness, the improved goodies being given out at the Red Cross and Teddy Almond Turtle, the adorable pug who says “Batman.”

How much does Lars love Christopher Nolan? How much does Joel Murphy want to punch DiCaprio in the face? Does the pug really say “Batman”? The answers to these questions and more are in this week’s podcast.

Hobo Radio is the official podcast of HoboTrashcan, brought to you by The Podcast Network.

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Murphy’s Law – Don’t quit your day job, Hef

Murphy's Law 7 Comments
Joel Murphy

Joel Murphy

It’s tough being Playboy these days. Sure, there are still plenty of guys who would gladly switch places with dapper octogenarian Hugh Hefner in a second if it meant living in the Playboy mansion and consorting with a half dozen perky 20-year-olds. But that doesn’t change the fact that Playboy itself is outdated – the magazine industry is slowly dying and, making matters worse, Playboy is attempting to peddle glossy, airbrushed photos of tastefully-posed nude women in a world where their target demographic spends their days watching video of “the girl next door” getting tagged teamed by the mailman and the pizza delivery guy on countless free online porn sites.

It used to be that celebrities looking to extend their 15 minutes of fame posed for Playboy. It was a bold move that made a starlet seem edgy. Now, they just release a sex tape online. (Even former playmate Kendra Wilkinson has one.) The only big name celebrity still going the Playboy route these days is Marge Simpson. It’s a brave new world. And in the hedonistic future world that is the Internet, Playboy just seems downright quaint.

So what is a struggling nudie mag to do? Playboy has decided to become even more quaint by getting rid of the nudity altogether. Yesterday, the company officially launched The Smoking Jacket, a “safe for work” site which aims to be “a juke box of cool” according to Playboy’s editorial director Jimmy Jellinek, who is under the mistaken impression that juke boxes are still cool.

“A lot of our audience logs on (to Playboy.com) after work,” Jellinek also said, “and we saw that we were missing a golden opportunity to reach guys when they’re online the most: when they’re sitting at their desk, not working, sending e-mails to their friends.”

On the surface, it seems counterintuitive. It would be like the Outback opening a restaurant that didn’t have any steaks and instead served nothing but blooming onions. But, strange as the idea seems, it could actually work. While countless “I read Playboy for the articles” jokes have been made over the years, the fact is that the magazine usually does have engaging feature articles, short stories written by notable authors and interviews with big name celebrities. So offering that content on a SFW site could actually be a recipe for success, since it would allow men a chance to read these quality articles out in public without receiving dirty looks one gets when carrying around a Playboy.

Unfortunately, The Smoking Jacket doesn’t actually feature any of that content. Instead, the site has photos of sexy women in their underwear, thinly-veiled advertisements masquerading as product recommendations and incredibly boring, generic articles. Essentially, The Smoking Jacket is an online version of Maxim.

The articles boast eye-catching titles like “10 Ways Not to Suck in Bed,” “7 Signs That You’ve Given Up on Getting Laid” and “How to Get Laid at Work” (which is technically SFW, but I wouldn’t recommend leaving it up on your work computer unless you want a visit from HR). “10 Ways Not to Suck in Bed” offers “insightful” advice like “Don’t refer to your penis by its nickname” and “Don’t use Twitter to announce you just got laid.” (Hey, if a special lady meets the Octagon, James Westfall and Doctor Kenneth Noisewater, I’m going to tweet about it.) “7 Signs That You’ve Given Up on Getting Laid” includes the use of paper plates, the presence of sweatpants and poor dental hygiene. (Personally, I would also add “Logging several hours on a nudity-free version of Playboy” to the list.)

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“How to Get Laid at Work” doesn’t actually offer advice on how to score with a coworker. Instead it offers advice on how to keep an office tryst a secret. The advice itself is all common sense – things like “Never Use Your Corporate E-mail” or “Plan the First Kiss Offsite” – and after offering up this generic advice, the article essentially admits it was a waste of time to read by stating “eventually all office romances are discovered.” At least that article is honest. All of the other pieces on the site I came across were also a waste of time; they just didn’t have the common courtesy to admit it.

There is also a question of just how safe for work the site actually is. While there is no nudity, the scantily-clad photos of women featured on the site are not exactly something you want to have to explain at your next employee review. Also, the fact that most of the articles deal with sex (there is even a “Sex” tab on the top of the site) means that if there is a filter in place, there is a good chance your job is going to block access to The Smoking Jacket.

At the end of the day, whether it is SFW or not is irrelevant. The Smoking Jacket is a boring waste of time released by a dying company that no longer has its finger on the pulse of what its readers want. All the site does is guarantee that no one will ever be able to claim they read Playboy for the articles ever again. The time of Playboy is over. Just don’t tell Marge Simpson though – the last thing I want to see is her and Homer in a sex tape.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

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Positive Cynicism – Tumblr, I’m very disappointed in you

Positive Cynicism 12 Comments
Aaron Davis

Aaron R. Davis

Last week, I extolled the virtues of Tumblr as an online neighborhood superior to other social networking platforms. In just seven days, I’ve come to realize that if it really is a neighborhood, it’s one that’s already got a serious gang problem and the local buildings are tagged with hate slogans.

Here’s what happened in that short amount of time.

Somewhere out there on the Internet, there’s an 11-year-old girl called Jessi Slaughter (not her real name), also known as Kerligirl13 (also not her real name). Apparently this story begins earlier this month when Stickydrama — a crowd-sourced gossip site for the kind of kids who used to gather in record store parking lots and do nothing — linked her to the lead singer of a band called Blood on the Dance Floor. So there’s your first problem; some idiot kids thought an 11-year-old girl was hooking up with the lead singer of an emo band. When asked for a comment by a user, she denied it (though she seemed to be enjoying the drama and attention), and the user went to the Internet’s go-to stock criticism for girls and called her a slut. Because there’s a word that doesn’t get thrown around enough online.

Yes, like a lot of people who go online, state their opinions and live on drama the same way plants live on light, Jessi had a lot of haters. She posted a YouTube video calling them out, saying things like “I’ll pop a glock in your mouth and make a brain slushy,” “suck my non-existent penis” and another overused Internet favorite “get AIDS and die.” Well, of course, it didn’t end there. It went right to the hive mind on 4Chan and the self-righteous teens on Tumblr.

Now, here’s the thing about kids on Tumblr: they think they’re the smartest kids in the universe. I know, all kids think they’re the smartest kids in the universe, especially this first generation that’s actually growing up with the Internet, but these kids are the worst. Thanks to generations of self-esteem-centered schooling, Steven Spielberg movies revering the magic of childhood and Montessori, we’ve got a generation of kids that so worships the idea of an important, innocent childhood in the Garden of Eden that they are constantly lamenting the passing of childhood into adulthood and are embarrassingly nostalgic for the moment they’re actually living in. More than that, all of these Holden Caufields, constantly misquoting Peter Pan as thought it’s a fable about innocence and not a cautionary tale about the fear of growing up, are actually angry at the notion that kids out there might be growing up faster than they used to because of things like the Internet.

These kids live and breathe the World Wide Web — they can’t exist without it — but they also think every adult on it is a pedophile and that every kid on it is too young and needs to be protected. And yet, in a dichotomy that will actually break your brain if you think about it too much, they are constantly tearing those kids down and bullying them like crazy simply because of the facelessness the Internet allows and because “kids should expect it if they’re going to be on the Internet.”

Yes, teenagers have become so cynical now that they think it’s to be expected that politeness, good behavior and common courtesy don’t exist on the Internet. Not only that, but that they don’t have to exist on the Internet. These are the same people who made fun of Demi Lovato’s little sister — the one who plays Eva Longoria’s daughter on Desperate Housewives — on Twitter, calling her fat until she cried, and then felt that she should have known better if she was going to be on the Internet. And she’s only eight. Jessi Slaughter, at 11, was apparently fair game.

I was actually on Tumblr when Jessi’s video started going around. At first, there was the usual hypocritical judging of her parents, as kids that I’ve seen go after each other viciously just because someone badmouthed the Jonas Brothers concluded that someone so detached from her words was dead inside. Then they began to take it personally, and the Tumblr kids who whine about being marginalized everywhere else in life and on the web and who constantly extol the virtues of Tumblr as a place that doesn’t judge who you are started to judge who Jessi was and decided it was time for someone to learn a lesson. Pictures started going around of this 11-year-old girl with her shirt off and holding her breasts. Yes, Tumblr and its quick and easy reblogging platform became an instrument for what looked to me like the dissemination of child pornography, and all because these kids felt some 11-year-old girl they’d never heard of an hour or so before needed to be put in her place.

Now it gets worse.

Jessi’s real name, her phone number, her address, links to her Facebook; they all started showing up online. Prank calls started, pizzas were delivered, her Facebook was spammed and apparently someone was considering sending call girls off of Craiglist to her house. Encyclopedia Dramatica, one of the most despicable things on the Internet, had a section on “How to troll Jessi Slaughter” that included “tell her to kill herself.”

Then Jessi’s dad filmed himself yelling at the camera in what seemed like a blind rage. It was understandable: a father who probably had no idea what his little girl was doing on the Internet was angered that she was being harassed by people who should know better, but who thought it was not only funny, but righteous, to bully an 11-year-old girl. Unfortunately, most people just thought the video was hilarious, Boing Boing picked it up, and it spawned several memes, including “You dun goofed,” “Consequences will never be the same” and “Cyberpolice.”

Seriously, I know kids on Tumblr who were actually disappointed in themselves for missing all of this. And those are people who have told stories about how mortified they would be if anyone they knew in real life found their Tumblr pages.

These same kids do know better. They’re physical cowards, but because they have an Internet connection and a pirated copy of Photoshop, they think there are no consequences to their relentless cyberbullying. They think because they can leave anonymous messages in peoples’ Formspring boxes that they don’t have to be humane.

Meanwhile, Jessi Slaughter was placed under police protection and briefly taken to a safe house because of a stream of prank calls that included death threats. A lot of death threats. Enough death threats that there’s a criminal investigation going on now.

Tumblr responded by posting a fake link to a non-existent AP article about Jessi’s suicide, which actually links to some video of a Russian singer. How hilarious. This is what’s become of Tumblr, once considered the hip, witty, creative social network on the fringes of the Internet.

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And, as I’ve alluded to a lot here, the sad part really is that so much of this came from the teenagers who claimed to be so above this type of thing. And nowhere have I seen anyone on Tumblr say that they’re sorry about this, that this is disgusting, that they’re disappointed that everyone turned into this pack of bullies demanding the total humiliation of an 11-year-old girl. I don’t care how rude Jessi was in her video, I don’t care if you think Jessi was “asking for it,” you’re supposed to know better and not go after a child just because she got you all riled up. No one’s on Tumblr saying that maybe self-control should have reigned instead of what happened.

Instead, Tumblr’s become another home for bullies and trolls who hate anyone different and make a sport out of cyberbullying. I see it all the time, and let me tell you, it is pointed. Its object is to make someone so angry, so sad and so defeated that they finally kill themselves. And the fact that none of the players involved understands that object — that they’re all shouting in a blind rage without a thought to the emotions involved — makes it that much more tragic.

Welcome to Tumblr: a consequence-free playground for sociopaths.

Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at samuraifrog@yahoo.com.

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Outside of the In-Crowd – The madman with a box: In celebration of the Eleventh Doctor

Outside of the In-Crowd 6 Comments
Courtney Enlow

Courtney Enlow

For we Doctor Who-vians, losing David Tennant was akin to saying goodbye to a best friend. The years we spent together were some of the finest years of our lives, filled with Cybermen, Daleks, blue suits, questionable love connections and lots and lots of running.

But as this first Tennant-less season comes to an end, it is with a huge sigh of relief that I say it was all for the best.

I really must qualify my love for DT before I get into this, lest you think I took his absence lightly. This is not the case. Tennant’s Doctor, the Tenth Doctor, was My Doctor. Though I grew up watching Baker and Davison on PBS, it was the Tennant era that made me fall deeply in love and become the kind of fan I am now. Throughout his tenure (or, Ten-ure, rather. OW, don’t hit!) I laughed, cried and shouted, “Fuck, quit it with the Daleks already.” But I loved unconditionally.

Then he left. And it hurt. It hurt a lot. During the second half of “The End of Time” I cried harder than I have when I’ve lost relatives. I was a sniffling sobbing shitbag mess disaster. And I was sorry to see him ago. I loved him. And I approached this new Eleventh Doctor with trepidation and caution.

Then I watched his first episode. And holy shit.

Matt Smith is simply excellent. Funny, dark, smart, quick and while Tennant was all these things, Smith’s made the character all his own. The reasons for this are twofold: 1) Matt Smith is a tremendous performer and 2) Steven Moffat is brilliant.

You see, David Tennant, for all the awesome he was and is, had one big thunderhead above him, and that was a Welshman by the name of Russell T. Davies. Apparently when you’re about to insult RTD, you’re supposed to drop a big load of props all over the floor so that apparently your insult slips and slides about like Buster Keaton in a banana peel factory. So I will give him his due, because he really did bring the show back, making it a cultural icon for a whole new generation and finally gaining it some popularity in the States. But once you get past those important accolades, one thing is abundantly clear: RTD was a pretty shitty writer.

The best of the Tenth Doctor era were all written by others. The worst episodes and worst characters were all written by the show’s lord and savior, RTD. Episodes like “Voyage of the Damned” and “Love and Monsters” (arguably the worst episode of any television show ever), aliens like the Slitheen and the idiotic fart jokes that came with them, characters like that American fuckwad in “Dalek” and episodes like “Voyage of the Damned” and “Love and Monsters” (I just cannot state enough how abysmal those were), painfully reach-y sexual innuendos, awful awful one-dimensionally evil villains, these were all pure RTD creations. And they sucked. So hard.

And don’t get me started on Rose Tyler.

Rose Tyler started out perfectly fine. A perfect vessel story, a perfectly nice girl with good moments. Some of the best moments of her run involved her wonderful friendship with the Doctor. In fact, my favorite episodes of the entire new series, the two-parter “The Impossible Planet”/”The Satan Pit,” hints at her desire for more and his feelings of love for his companion. But it was left open enough that silly old me thought his “love” for her was of a friendly nature, one of admiration for her sense of adventure and fascination at the universe. Because we really weren’t given any sense that the Doctor, a somewhat aloof, if not asexual, being for his whole televised life, had romantic feelings for her.

Apparently, I was wrong.

In what is basically a good finale with two horrendous moments, the Doctor winds up being cloned. Clone Doctor is part human, meaning he has one heart and the ability to age (by the by, was it ever stated that his two hearts were what kept him ageless in the first place? Why would one heart stop that? He’s still part Time Lord). He chooses to spend this life making out with Rose Tyler, whose boyfriend, the perfectly nice and serviceable Mickey Smith, trapped himself in another dimension to be with.

This was complete bullshit, and turned our Doctor’s emo-ness up to 11.

Season Two Doctor would have grabbed Season Four/the final DT season specials Doctor by the Chuck Taylor strings and slapped him silly for being such a pussy. He cried … so much. And that’s what made me ready to say goodbye in “The End of Time,” even though I was crying right along with him. I should cry. I’m a measly human. The Doctor doesn’t cry. He’s supposed to be better than that.

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This Doctor is.

Eleven hasn’t cried once. Thank Jesus. The Doctor is once again strong and awesome, and we have Steven Moffat to thank for that.

Steven Moffat is responsible for the best episodes of the pre-Smith run. “The Girl in the Fireplace” was spectacular and “Blink” is very much one of the best episodes of television I’ve ever seen. Moffat is also responsible for Coupling, which I loved (even Season Four so screw you and the Lesbian Spank Inferno you rode in on). And because of him, this past season was the single most consistent Who series of all.

Every single episode was at least good (“Victory of the Daleks” really threw off the curve; sans that every episode would be at least great). The characters fully-fleshed and well-written, especially the villains, a wonderfully lovable side-companion (Rory is greater than everyone else on the planet; remember this), the companion finally not balls-crazy in love with the Doctor/sad old maid (sorry, Donna, know that I love you) and no fucking crying Doctor. A fantastic season with a fantastic arc and fantastic characters, all of which remind me why I love Doctor Who as much as I do.

The season finale, “The Big Bang,” airs this Saturday on BBC America. Not that I already watched it through illegal means or anything, but it’s amazing. Watch and love.

Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at courtney@hobotrashcan.com.

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