Outside of the In-Crowd – Spencer Pratt, you magnificent bastard
He’s creepy. He’s hateful. He induces the kind of rage that causes people to set puppies on fire. He causes the kind of ire that makes my eye twitch like Mr. DeMartino from Daria. And he’s apparently really fucking good at it.
For over four years now, we’ve been inundated with the flesh-colored bearded visage of this terrifying human being and his Frankenstein’s monster girlfriend. And for four years, we’ve laughed as they pretended they were famous and that people cared about them. Haha, we thought, they’re such fools. No one cares. No one.
Apparently, the joke’s been on us.
You know that famous line asshole’s use a lot, “There’s no such thing as bad publicity”? They embody this. And while we laugh at them and hate them and get annoyed by them, it’s worked. IT’S FUCKING WORKED.
Well played, beardface. Well played.
This past week, TMZ has stood for “They Made a motherfucking sex tape ew icknast gross Ziggy” (I did not fully think this out). The site took a break from showing photographs of a plastic surgeon’s death scene (real classy, TMZ) and has displayed nothing but minute-by-minute updates of Spencer’s alleged sex tape blackmail. Which is obviously not real because a) it’s Spencer, b) I think we’re all pretty hip to the fact that no celebrity sex tape is remotely ever released without the knowledge or signature of both parties featured in said tape and c) because fucking duh.
The story: Spencer is blackmailing Heidi’s paralyzed face and immobile boobybags with footage of them bumping boobybags all night long. When interest was only minimal, Spencer upped the ante and paid off a nameless Playboy bunny to say there’s a lesbian tape, too. One he “found” while cleaning out their house. Meaning they’re filming that one right now. Hot silicon-on-silicon action.
This sex tape will go one of two ways: 1) they will release the tape to the gentle thud of the release of the Screech tape or 2) Heidi will “give in” to Spencer’s purported “blackmail” and do a reality show about their “horrible” “relationship.” Then when the reality show ends and they go under for a little while, the sex tapes, featuring a noticeably older Heidi and Spencer (because, see, they will not have been real) will be released to the gentle thud of the release of the Screech tape.
I hate that these two are still happening. Even Paris Hilton is pretty much over. But these two still exist. People are still talking about them. No one has ever liked them or genuinely cared about them, but they exist. They matter in some weird fucked up way.
AND I AM WRITING ABOUT THEM. I hate writing about them. It fills me with a Snapped-esque rage that leaves a wake of blood and no memory of what I’ve done, but I keep doing it. I just keep playing into their hand. They are like Aryan evil super geniuses and I keep being bested by them and I hate it. I HATE IT.
The good news is that the sex tape is often the last desperate act of the famewhore. The bad news: the one after that is usually a baby. Please lord, do protect that poor fake child from being conceived by these two. There is no worse fate.
Here’s the thing: I keep waiting for this era of famewhore-dom to end. I’ve been waiting since 2002. And. It. Just. Won’t. At some point, I’ll have to just accept our plastic overlords as a part of lives. I’ll have to stop complaining and learn to deal.
I’m so afraid, you guys. So, so afraid.
I have to keep believing in a world without Speidi. In a world without Snooki. In a world without stupid, stupid Kardashians. And I must believe this is not merely a beautiful dream.
But all dreams must die sometime.
I’d make some impassioned final paragraph about banding together to fight the stupid, but it’s inevitable, people. Yea, like the final survivors in a zombie film, we can try our hardest and fight the good fight, but we will be taken over, we will be consumed, we will be changed.
Let’s just start spray-tanning and lobotomizing now.
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at email@example.com.
Courtney Enlow, Gettin’ Ziggy With it!
“This past week, TMZ has stood for “They Made a motherfucking sex tape ew icknast gross Ziggy” (I did not fully think this out).”
LAUGHED OUT LOUD!!!!!!! Everyone in my office thinks I’m crazy. And I’m the only one in my office. … 🙁
Never, ever accept Spencer as he who is the way. Never. I’m not saying I want to end up a martyr for believing in a world without reality “stars” being famous for being reality stars, but if I have to die for that belief, so fucking be it. A world where Spencer is Lord is a world without Travis, Buffy, and the Doctor. Let’s stand up for what’s right, intelligent, and not brain stabby and start a fucking revolution to stave off Idiocracy! Only without those stupid Che Guevara shirts. Che COLBERT!
Spencer is Idiocracy crossed with Doucheocracy. Luke Wilson will not be in this sequel, not even AT&T Luke.
I think it is crazy that he is basically whoring out his wife to whomever for $ and publicity, and she is stupid enough to go along with it. Were they ever even really a couple? I think they basically are two crazy fame whoring hollywood blondes that would throw eachother under the bus, and publicly humiliate their families for a little publicity/fame. And for what? Ridiculous!!
One of my favorite articles Court because you know what I think of those 2 idiots. First off, I wouldn’t even want to imagine a sex tape with those 2 as the stars. The only funny thing would be to see his ugly ass bouncing off the wall after rolling quickly against one of her rubberized boobs. May they both burn in a pit of has been stars Hell. Not being a violent person, I can only say that if a slimeball like him had tried to date you as a teen, I would have stuck his head under the rear tire of my truck and burned rubber….6 or 7 times back and forth.
I agree that they must go away and can someone please figure out a way to send all of those slimy idiots from Jersey Shores with them.
Renni & CourtsDad
I love the two of you more every time I read your posts. <3