[Editor’s Note: To celebrate HoboTrashcan’s five-year anniversary, we are bringing back five defunct site features for one week only. Check back every day this week to be overwhelmed with nostalgia.]
Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the seventh-annual “Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl” column. So head to Las Vegas and put money on it – this is why your favorite football franchise won’t get it done one this year.
Arizona Cardinals – Okay, wait – your gameplan was to let Anquan Boldin walk away and then make Matt Leinart your starting quarterback? That’s your idea of putting your best foot forward?!? Come on, son. You’re not even trying.
Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons are coming off back-to-back winning seasons for the first time in franchise history. No pressure.
Baltimore Ravens – Purple camouflage.
Buffalo Bills – Ask the Maple Leafs the last time a team who willingly plays home games in Toronto won anything.
Carolina Panthers – The Panthers have one player worth a damn in their passing game – four-time Pro Bowler Steve Smith. How did he spend his offseason? Breaking his arm playing flag football.
Chicago Bears – Great idea putting Mike Martz and Jay Cutler together. I mean, these two have always been willing to set their egos aside when facing adversity, right? They’re definitely a match made in heaven.
Cincinnati Bengals – Stockpiling washed-up Dallas players who couldn’t win anything meaningful when they were Cowboys sounds like a great plan. What could go wrong?
Cleveland Browns – Because LeBron left.
Dallas Cowboys – Admit it, the thought of Jerry Jones watching two other teams play in the Super Bowl in his dream stadium is too awesome to cheer against. He’d cry after reading this, if his face was capable of showing emotions.
Denver Broncos – Everyone loves an athletic quarterback who can keep defenses guessing, right? Wrong. Mike Vick and Vince Young were better college players than Tim Tebow and how many Super Bowl have those two won?
Detroit Lions – The Lions’ hopes and dreams will come crashing down when Jahvid Best refuses to take the field against the Redskins in October because he’s still afraid of cornerback Kevin Barnes.
Green Bay Packers – The Packers gave up a league-high 51 sacks last season. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that their starting tackles are a combined 137 years old.
Houston Texans – Last season marked the first time in franchise history that the Texans finished a season with a winning record. Let’s give them a little more time before we rush to invite them to the grown-ups table, okay?
Indianapolis Colts – The sooner the Colts season is over, the sooner Peyton Manning can dedicate his time and energy to whoring out for any commercial Snoop Dogg isn’t available for.
Jacksonville Jaguars – For all we know, they might win it all. It’s not like anyone goes to Jaguars games or anything.
Kansas City Chiefs – I don’t care if Romeo Crennel, Charlie Weis and Matt Cassel kidnap Tom Brady and force him at gunpoint to play for the Chiefs – that team isn’t finishing above .500 this season.
Miami Dolphins – Because LeBron showed up.
Minnesota Vikings – What aspect of Brad Childress’ coaching career is supposed to inspire confidence in Viking fans?
New England Patriots – I’ve asked this before and no one has a good answer for me – what exactly have the Patriots won since they got caught cheating and had to start playing by the same rules as the rest of the league?
New Orleans Saints – Kim Kardashian gets with Reggie Bush. The Saints win. Khloe Kardashian gets with Lamar Odom. The Lakers win. Kim Kardashian dumps Reggie Bush. You see where this is going.
New York Giants – The Giants are stacked at running back and receiver. Too bad their quarterback is too dumb to remember his helmet when he takes the field.
New York Jets – After being dumped by the only team he’s ever know (the Chargers), LaDainian Tomlinson responded by getting the Jets logo tattooed on his calf. Not smart. We all know rebound relationships never last.
Oakland Raiders – Because Jason Campbell hates playing for a winner.
Philadelphia Eagles – Of course you have no need for the most successful quarterback in your franchise’s history. I mean, the guy only got you to the NFC championship game four times in a decade. Why keep him around? Nicely done, morons.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Ben Roethlisberger has openly tried to sabotage his playing career with a motorcycle and loose women, and still the Steelers do nothing. Next step? Cooking crystal meth in his basement.
San Diego Chargers – Norv Turner.
San Francisco 49ers – Vernon Davis. Brian Westbrook. Michael Crabtree. Alex Smith. One of these things is not like the other.
Seattle Seahawks – Because Pete Carroll was so successful his first time coaching in the pros. Or his second time, for that matter.
St. Louis Rams – Forking over $78 million to an injury-prone rookie. What could go wrong?
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – The Buccaneers are so irrelevant that they’re floating rumors about a possible trading for disgruntled defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth just to remind people Tampa still has a team.
Tennessee Titans – I honestly don’t think the Titans have much of a chance this season, but I’m not saying another word about them for fear that LeGarrette Blount takes a swing at me.
Washington Redskins – Since 1992, the Redskins have never won a playoff game without Vinny Cerrato on the payroll.
Note to Self originally ran on HoboTrashcan from August 2005 to August 2009. Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.