Today we debut a new feature – HoboTrashcan’s official Box Office Preview, which breaks down the new releases hitting theaters this week. Joel Murphy and Lars share their thoughts on each movie, then pick one film to recommend (using the classic “If a gun was pointed to my head and I had to watch one of these” method).

View trailer

Centurion Director: Neil Marshall Writers: Neil Marshall Stars: Michael Fassbender, Dominic West, Olga Kurylenko, Noel Clarke MPAA Rating: R Synopsis: A splinter group of Roman soldiers fight for their lives behind enemy lines after their legion is decimated in a devastating guerrilla attack.

Lars’ take: It’s interesting to see Romans as the underdogs. Also, Neil Marshall also has a track record of a) being good at writing in a specific genre and b) picking really, really hot foreign chicks to be in his movies. Plus, it has McNulty (Dominic West).

Joel’s take: I think this film could be good and it probably is watchable and enjoyable, but it just all seems done before. Even with the slant of having the Romans be the underdogs, it still feels like a knockoff of films like Gladiator and 300.

View trailer

Flipped Director: Rob Reiner Writers: Rob Reiner & Andrew Scheinman (screenplay); Wendelin Van Draanen (novel) Stars: Madeline Carroll, Aidan Quinn, Penelope Ann Miller, John Mahoney, Rebecca De Mornay, Anthony Edwards, Kevin Weisman, Callan McAuliffe MPAA Rating: PG Synopsis: Two eighth graders start to have feelings for each other despite being total opposites. Based on the novel Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen.

Lars’ take: It’s going to suck. The only positive is John Mahoney. I always enjoy when he’s on the screen. That’s just me trying to say something positive about Flipped.

Joel’s take: Speaking of unoriginal, is there any idea more played out than a coming of age story set in either the 1950s or 60s? It’s the same story with the same backdrop and same music you’ve seen a thousand times before.

View trailer

Going the Distance Director: Nanette Burstein Writers: Geoff LaTulippe Stars: Justin Long, Drew Barrymore, Ron Livingston, Jim Gaffigan, Kelli Gellar, Rob Riggle, Jason Sudeikis, Charlie Day MPAA Rating: R Synopsis: A romantic comedy centered on a guy and a gal who try to keep their love alive as they shuttle back and forth between Chicago and Los Angeles to see one another.

Lars’ take: As far as romantic comedies go, I think this one’s a winner. I think it will be totally watchable. I wouldn’t be embarrassed to tell someone I was taking my girlfriend to see this movie.

Joel’s take: I think Drew Barrymore has been picking interesting roles lately. Plus, this film has Charlie Day and Jim Gaffigan in it, which gives me hope. I like them as the comic relief and, judging from the trailers, this film seems like it actually gives them funny material to work with.

Continue reading this post

Brian Murphy

[Editor's Note: To celebrate HoboTrashcan's five-year anniversary, we are bringing back five defunct site features for one week only. Check back every day this week to be overwhelmed with nostalgia.]

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the seventh-annual “Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl” column. So head to Las Vegas and put money on it – this is why your favorite football franchise won’t get it done one this year.

Arizona Cardinals – Okay, wait – your gameplan was to let Anquan Boldin walk away and then make Matt Leinart your starting quarterback? That’s your idea of putting your best foot forward?!? Come on, son. You’re not even trying.

Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons are coming off back-to-back winning seasons for the first time in franchise history. No pressure.

Baltimore Ravens – Purple camouflage.

Buffalo Bills – Ask the Maple Leafs the last time a team who willingly plays home games in Toronto won anything.

Carolina Panthers – The Panthers have one player worth a damn in their passing game – four-time Pro Bowler Steve Smith. How did he spend his offseason? Breaking his arm playing flag football.

Chicago Bears – Great idea putting Mike Martz and Jay Cutler together. I mean, these two have always been willing to set their egos aside when facing adversity, right? They’re definitely a match made in heaven.

Cincinnati Bengals – Stockpiling washed-up Dallas players who couldn’t win anything meaningful when they were Cowboys sounds like a great plan. What could go wrong?

Cleveland Browns – Because LeBron left.

Dallas Cowboys – Admit it, the thought of Jerry Jones watching two other teams play in the Super Bowl in his dream stadium is too awesome to cheer against. He’d cry after reading this, if his face was capable of showing emotions.

Denver Broncos – Everyone loves an athletic quarterback who can keep defenses guessing, right? Wrong. Mike Vick and Vince Young were better college players than Tim Tebow and how many Super Bowl have those two won?

Detroit Lions – The Lions’ hopes and dreams will come crashing down when Jahvid Best refuses to take the field against the Redskins in October because he’s still afraid of cornerback Kevin Barnes.

Green Bay Packers – The Packers gave up a league-high 51 sacks last season. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that their starting tackles are a combined 137 years old.

Houston Texans – Last season marked the first time in franchise history that the Texans finished a season with a winning record. Let’s give them a little more time before we rush to invite them to the grown-ups table, okay?

Indianapolis Colts – The sooner the Colts season is over, the sooner Peyton Manning can dedicate his time and energy to whoring out for any commercial Snoop Dogg isn’t available for.

Jacksonville Jaguars – For all we know, they might win it all. It’s not like anyone goes to Jaguars games or anything.

Kansas City Chiefs – I don’t care if Romeo Crennel, Charlie Weis and Matt Cassel kidnap Tom Brady and force him at gunpoint to play for the Chiefs – that team isn’t finishing above .500 this season.

Miami Dolphins – Because LeBron showed up.

Minnesota Vikings – What aspect of Brad Childress’ coaching career is supposed to inspire confidence in Viking fans?

New England Patriots – I’ve asked this before and no one has a good answer for me – what exactly have the Patriots won since they got caught cheating and had to start playing by the same rules as the rest of the league?

New Orleans Saints – Kim Kardashian gets with Reggie Bush. The Saints win. Khloe Kardashian gets with Lamar Odom. The Lakers win. Kim Kardashian dumps Reggie Bush. You see where this is going.

New York Giants – The Giants are stacked at running back and receiver. Too bad their quarterback is too dumb to remember his helmet when he takes the field.

New York Jets – After being dumped by the only team he’s ever know (the Chargers), LaDainian Tomlinson responded by getting the Jets logo tattooed on his calf. Not smart. We all know rebound relationships never last.

Oakland Raiders – Because Jason Campbell hates playing for a winner.

Philadelphia Eagles – Of course you have no need for the most successful quarterback in your franchise’s history. I mean, the guy only got you to the NFC championship game four times in a decade. Why keep him around? Nicely done, morons.

Pittsburgh Steelers – Ben Roethlisberger has openly tried to sabotage his playing career with a motorcycle and loose women, and still the Steelers do nothing. Next step? Cooking crystal meth in his basement.

San Diego Chargers – Norv Turner.

San Francisco 49ers – Vernon Davis. Brian Westbrook. Michael Crabtree. Alex Smith. One of these things is not like the other.

Seattle Seahawks – Because Pete Carroll was so successful his first time coaching in the pros. Or his second time, for that matter.

St. Louis Rams – Forking over $78 million to an injury-prone rookie. What could go wrong?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – The Buccaneers are so irrelevant that they’re floating rumors about a possible trading for disgruntled defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth just to remind people Tampa still has a team.

Tennessee Titans – I honestly don’t think the Titans have much of a chance this season, but I’m not saying another word about them for fear that LeGarrette Blount takes a swing at me.

Washington Redskins – Since 1992, the Redskins have never won a playoff game without Vinny Cerrato on the payroll.

Note to Self originally ran on HoboTrashcan from August 2005 to August 2009. Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

Similar Posts:

• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2008
• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2011
• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2007
• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2009
• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2005

• Introduction
• HoboTrashcan’s anniversary
• Ratner and Stiller
• Pee Wee Herman
• Lars and Joel Time
• “Morgan Freeman’s Selected Filmography” by Yellow Ostrich

Standard Podcast [ 1:11:44 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

When you think of great actor/director combos in Hollywood today, you might think of Johnny Depp and Tim Burton, Leonardo DiCaprio and Martin Scorsese or Tom Hanks and Steven Spielberg. But a new actor/director powerhouse has been formed and Hollywood may never be the same. Brett Ratner and Ben Stiller are teaming up to make Tower Heist.

This week, HoboTrashcan’s powerhouse duo, Joel Murphy and Lars, share their thoughts on Ratner and Stiller teaming up. They also discuss the rise and fall of Pee Wee Herman, who is one the verge of a comeback with a successful stage adaptation of his old show under his belt and a Judd Apatow-produced movie in the works.

Was Pee Wee Herman falsely accused? Why does Lars make bank tellers uncomfortable? What is a NQBS? The answers to these questions and more are in this week’s podcast.

Hobo Radio is the official podcast of HoboTrashcan, brought to you by The Podcast Network.

Similar Posts:

• Review – Tower Heist
• Hobo Radio 143 – A little less conversation, a little more action
• Hobo Radio 135 – Everybody hates Ratner
• Murphy’s Law – A week in the life of Ratner
• Hobo Radio 154 – It’s pronounced Rum Runner

When deciding what features and people to bring back to the site for HoboTrashcan’s five-year anniversary, we knew we had to bring back Nicole, the witty, beautiful, foul-mouthed girl from Philadelphia who was one of the first lovely ladies to be featured in Just Friends.

Our editor-in-chief Joel Murphy has heard the words “Let’s just be friends” from many beautiful ladies in his life. Quite a few of them were generous enough to pose for photos and be a part of Just Friends. However, Nicole’s infamous bathtub photos were so sexy they effectively killed the feature, scaring off potential ladies who didn’t think they could make it over the high bar she set.

So today we revisit with the lovely Nicole and find out if Joel is still living comfortably inside her “friend zone.”

Name: Nicole
Age: 28
Sign: “God created alcohol to prevent the Irish from conquering the world”. The world needs no more ginger babies.

1. Are you and Joel still friends?

Not according to the restraining order.

2. Really … why?

Joel wasn’t comfortable waking up naked in a bathtub full of tequila and broken doll parts in Mexico after I roofied him anymore.

3. Was your life changed in any way by being featured on Just Friends back in 2005?

I wasn’t exactly prepared for everyone and their mother to learn how to search for names of loved ones on Google. My little brother asked me one day how come there was pictures of me in a bathtub posted on a site about homeless people.

4. What made you decide to come back for the five-year anniversary edition?

Joel asked me. And he sent me a book for my birthday. And that was pretty nice.

5. Will you still be available for the 25th anniversary?

God, I fucking hope not. No one is going to want to see a geriatric old lady trying a half ass attempt at looking sexy.

6. Have you heard any good jokes lately?

Your mom’s face is pretty funny.

7. Did Joel ever pay you back that five bucks?

I took him to court for $8 million in late fees and emotional pain. I now own HoboTrashcan.

Just Friends originally ran on HoboTrashcan from August 2005 to July 2006. Click on a photo to enlarge it or click here to start a slideshow.

Similar Posts:

• Just Friends – Nicole
• Just Friends – Jane
• Just Friends – Karli
• Just Friends – Karen
• Just Friends – Sarah

Joel Murphy

This week, HoboTrashcan is celebrating its five-year anniversary by bringing back five defunct site features. I wanted to join in on the fun too, so I decided to bring back a part of Murphy’s Law that hasn’t been seen on this site in a long time – “Things that piss me off.” It was a reoccurring feature on this column when I first started out in 2005, but it’s something I haven’t done in more than two years. I hope you all enjoy it.

And, as always, these are in no particular order …

Anniversary presents. If I had been married for five years, I would get an anniversary present. But no one buys you a present when you celebrate your pop culture blog’s five-year anniversary. It’s bullshit. The traditional gift for a five-year anniversary is wood. The closest I’ll come to getting wood this week is ogling Padma’s post-pregnancy breasts on tonight’s Top Chef.

The Nissan Cube. Are you fucking serious, Nissan? This car looks like something the animators behind Rocco’s Modern Life would draw at three in the morning when their hands started cramping up and they really just wanted to go home for the night.

Raw onions, and people’s misguided belief that they belong on sandwiches.

Live action/CGI-ed version of animated series. Garfield, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Marmaduke and Scooby Doo all sucked. The live action/CGI Yogi Bear, Smurfs and Bugs Bunny films currently in the works are going to suck too. If you want to make these characters look 3D, then make the entire movie computer animated like a Pixar film. Or just stick with hand-drawn animation and focus on writing a good story (and not Looney Tunes: Back in Action). Fully CGI-ed versions of these iconic characters look creepy and wrong. Oh, and they have dead eyes. The CGI is never very convincing and the real actors eye lines are usually off just enough to make it appear as if they are looking near Scooby Doo instead of right at him. So just stop it.

Everyone who went to see Vampires Suck. $18.5 million in its first five days? Really, America? What is it about Seltzberg’s “Hey, remember this thing?” style of humor keeps drawing you back into theaters? Why do you continue to reward these talentless douchebags? Go watch Spaceballs or Airplane. That’s what a parody movie is supposed to be like. If you keep settling for crap like this, they are never going to make better movies. You are better than this, America.

Channing Tatum.

The scene in Scott Pilgrim vs. The World where he asks Ramona out on a date. When watching a movie like Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, I am perfectly willing to suspend disbelief. I can handle the over-the-top video game style battles, the quick cuts that jump characters forward to a new time and place and even the fact that Scott pulls a flaming sword out of his chest in the final showdown. But Scott’s plan to see Ramona again by ordering something off of Amazon makes absolutely no sense. If she worked for UPS or FedEx, I would get it, but when has Amazon ever sent an employee door to door to deliver their packages for them? Do you realize what that would do to their overhead? It’s just not cost feasible, damn it.

(And if you didn’t understand the above rant, you piss me off too for having not seen Scott Pilgrim vs. The World yet. Did you not read my column from last week? It’s a better action movie than The Expendables. Stop rewarding Sylvester Stallone for mediocrity and go see a movie that is actually good.)

Jimmy Fallon.

The wires inside headphone cords that always end up getting bent and stop working properly, forcing you to jiggle them around just right to get sound in both ears.

Qdoba. You may have others fooled, Qboda, but I’m on to your little game. I see you for what you truly are – a cheap knockoff of Chipotle. You are the fast food burrito chain equivalent of those “Rolex” watches you buy from NYC street vendors or the movie company Asylum, who keeps churning out films like DaVinci’s Treasure and The Day the Earth Stopped. I don’t want your meat anywhere near my mouth, you imposters.

Sonic. Why are you such a tease, Sonic? I see your commercials on TV all the time advertising your tasty treats and yet there aren’t actually any Sonics anywhere near me. Why get me excited for the prospect of having girls on roller skates wheeling a breakfast sandwich and an order of mozzarella sticks out to me any time of the day if you’re not around to deliver the goods? Dicks.

The fact that Jimmy Fallon is still on television five nights a week.

Louie. Louis CK is, without a doubt, one of the funniest stand-up comedians alive. His act is brilliant. His show, however, is not. There are times when it is incredibly funny, but it misses the mark just as often as it hits it. I keep watching for the moments that are truly hysterical, but I have to keep sitting through some really bad television to get to them. (Did you really have to devote an entire episode to how much your mom sucks? I get it, you don’t like her and its cathartic to yell at a fictional version of her on television. But it’s not entertaining.)

People who stop in the middle of the aisle in the grocery store, ensuring there isn’t enough space to either the left or right of them and their cart for anyone else to get by.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. This one pains me to write, since I love the first three seasons of this show so much. You were great, Sunny. You were an edgy, unpredictable show that managed to make me legitimately laugh out loud several times an episode. But starting with season four, your jokes became forced and your whole act became stale. You started repeating bits like Green Man and the Day Man/Night Man songs just to placate fans. You headed down The Family Guy’s path of mediocrity and, like that show, your popularity continued to grow as your show got less and less funny. What angers me the most is that you make me sound like one of those indie music-loving wankers who turns on their favorite bands when they make it big. I want to still like you, It’s Always Sunny. I want to be happy for your success. But you just aren’t very good anymore.

Every cell phone provider I’ve ever had or ever will have.

Columns that don’t have a cohesive final paragraph that ties everything together nicely in the end.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

Similar Posts:

• Murphy’s Law – Scott Pilgrim vs. The Expendables
• Murphy’s Law – Things that piss me off
• Murphy’s Law – Things that piss me off (Special VD Edition)
• Hobo Radio 138 – Cue the fireworks
• Murphy’s Law – Things that piss me off