8:00 – We open on a big close-up of Eminem’s face with a black hood. Shades of Palpatine. Or, he’s having a not-so-fresh day and could really use some Vagisil.
8:02 – Interestingly enough, the stage is covered in a tent of stretched out maxi pads. And Rihanna’s hair is period red. Now the whole stage is red. It’s all about themes.
8:03 – Rihanna is dressed like an angel in a mid-90s music video. Puffy skirt and combat boots. A.k.a., how I wanted to dress in the mid-90s.
8:04 – Riri has yet to hit a note.
8:05 – Chelsie Handler is hosting. She has an opening bit that involves people smacking her ass, then Lindsay Lohan comes out. Lindsay, honey, I know it’s overstated at this point to say you look rough, but SERIOUSLY, you look rough.
8:07 – Perhaps it’s my just-not-that-into-you feelings towards Chelsea Handler, but I’m so over Lady-Gaga-wears-crazy-shit-on-her-head jokes. They’re as old as Lindsay Lohan drinks a lot jokes.
8:09 – Handler is the first female host in 16 years. The last one was Roseanne. I vaguely remember that sucking.
8:11 – I haven’t read her books. Are they funny? I just don’t think she’s very funny. Sell me on her. I like bitches; she’s just not that clever at it. It’s an awful lot of “I’m drunk. Black guys. A midget.”
8:14 – Best Female Video is up first. If Ke$ha gets anything, I will cut a baby.
8:15 – Lady Gaga gets it. Of course she does. Gaga is the light and the way. Oh, what? You’re over Gaga? YOU’RE SO INTERESTING AND UNIQUE.
8:17 – Best New Artist nominees are Ke-Just Go Fuck Yourself, Seriously-ha, The Biebz, Broken Bells, Jason DeRulo (who I like to think sings his name every time he introduces himself) and someone else who I think sings the Annie Lennox song.
8:24 – Jackass is still a thing. So that’s good for them.
8:25 – Best Rock Video. MGMT, Florence + the Machine and that Muse song that sounds like the Doctor Who theme, oh, shit, and then they lost me with Jordan Catalano’s band and Paramore. Then I think I saw Steve-O’s penis. Then Jordan Catalano won. I could have done without everything I’ve just said.
8:27 – Jordan Catalano can’t read. He is also unable to speak.
8:28 – Kim Kardashian is afflicted with the same problem. Her lips are very shiny though. They distract me from her eighth grade musical line readings.
8:29 – You know, when this Bieber kid’s balls drop, his fans are going to be real disappointed.
8:30 – That said, people probably said the same thing about Nick Carter of BSB, and his never did, and my love remains. So maybe I’m just a crabby old lady.
8:31 – OH MY GOD, TINY DANCING CHILDREN. Apparently Biebz was bummed about being the shortest person onstage so he hired some six-year-olds.
8:32 – Oh, fuck, he’s drumming now. Like, not well, but it’s cute. And now there’s streamers and he yelled like Special Ed.
8:33 – Thirty-three minutes in and I’m pretty ready for that big deal thing we’re going to talk about for a week now. I need a Lady Gaga performance like I need oxygen.
8:38 – Gross. It’s Kesha. I can smell her through my TV. Oh, and she’s illiterate. Shock and aw.
8:39 – Oh, it’s Urrshur. I am of the understanding that he has the beat to make your booty go *thwack*. He hasn’t 100 percent lived up to the whole Second Coming of Michael Jackson hype he had circa “Make Me Wanna.” Also, he hasn’t sung a single note. Britney has gotten a lot of shit for lip-syncing over the years, which is apparently bullshit, because this guy’s not even moving his mouth. This is basically his high school dance recital. I mean, he has a ninja danger mask over his mouth right now. So, no, he’s not singing. And he ended his song with a safer-for-TV “Oh my gosh.” So dangerous.
8:44 – Katy Perry’s body is sick. And we’re seeing all of it. She’s wearing, like, glitter body paint. She is presenting with Nikki Minaj, singer of aforementioned Annie Lennox song, and she’s my new favorite person, because she’s a nutty one. My friend Kelly alerts me that she has a song lyric involving putting her pussy on someone’s sideburns.
8:49 – I’ve decided that I’m going to mainstreamize this Katy Perry look. Glittery tit paint at work tomorrow. With sensible slacks to keep it business cazsh.
8:52 – Damn, Chelsea Handler just made the same Jason DeRulo joke I made earlier. I just like when people announce their name at the top of their song, in case you didn’t know who you were listening to.
8:53 – Ashley Greene barely has a nose. Jordan Catalano = still illiterate.
8:53 – I am not yet over this Florence + the Machine song. I like it lots. Despite its prevalence in shitty commercials for shitty movies. She has blue dancer people. I’ve ALWAYS wanted blue dancer people. I just love her voice. I’ve noticed that despite my rampant ginger-phobia, I tend to really tend towards red-headed singers with crazy awesome voices. My iTunes has a lot of ginge on it. This is a really outstanding performance.
8:57 – A gentleman emerges rapping and I thought it was Aziz Ansari. Apparently it isn’t. My friend Kelly tells me it’s a Gym Class Heroes guy, I think the one that used to nail Katy Perry, that does a song about being a billionaire. I hate that song.
9:04 – Oh, glee, it’s the only people from Glee that I can tolerate. Jane Lynch mispronounces Kesha, because Jane Lynch has no time to bother with that trick.
9:05 – Best Pop Video also goes to Gaga. Frankly, it does feel unfair to nominate anyone else in the world. She’s the only one doing it right.
9:06 – Gagz is wearing Sonic the Hedgehog on her head. I hope she rolls into the crowd and kills Kesha, stabbing her with her boob blades.
9:07 – So, okay, they started Taylor Swift’s song with a video of her being interrupted by Kanye. Then she sang a sad song. So, is the implication that this is a sad song about being interrupted by Kanye West? Lady, he was impolite. He didn’t harm you in any way. Get over it.
9:10 – It is a pretty song. I’ll give her this. Singing’s not her strong suit, though.
9:17 – Commercial comment: I’m super excited for Easy A. Don’t disappoint me, movie.
9:19 – MTV’s new commercials for their shows are pretty good. It’s kind of like old MTV until you actually pay attention to the shows themselves. Come on, MTV, you know you want to go back to your old ways. Please.
9:20 – Justin Bieber’s hair does look really soft and strokeable.
9:21 – I have decided I really need Justin Bieber to piss off Twilight fans. Twi-hards vs. Beliebers could be epic.
9:22 – Oooh, Drake. My favorite Top 40 artist / Degrassi High student. Apparently there’s rumors about Drake and Nikki Minaj. Perhaps she’s putting that pussy on those sideburns.
9:26 – Drake delivers a shout out to the homeowners. Apparently they are fancy.
9:27 – Evan Rachel Wood scares me. It may be unkind, but she defines “damaged goods” to me. Once you go terrifying-nightmare-pedo-beast, do you ever go back?
9:32 – I have not yet talked about Mickey Mouse DJ. But I don’t have much to say beyond that.
9:34 – Sophia Vergara is better looking than me, but she talks like a crazy person sometimes so I still like her. Best Hip Hop Video goes to Eminem. By my count, only Gaga and Em have won anything all night. Until Kanye performs. And then we all win.
9:42 – I believe the person singing that “Beautiful Girls” song right now is Bruno Mars. He has the beautiful Ritchie Valens hair of a thousand Morrissey cover band singers. I want to make love to it. Hayley Williams pronounces the word “stars” like “star-ars” and this bothers me. That “Only Exception” Paramore song makes me Hulk Smash Rage.
9:53 – Ooh, the winner of MTV Tres’s award? To what do we own this privilege?
9:54 – God dammit I love when people steal applause by yelling the name of the city they happen to be in.
9:55 – It’s Best New Artist. Bieber wins. Don’t bother with the outrage, people. The force of the Beliebers is one to be reckoned with.
9:56 – Emma Stone deserves so much better than to present Linkin Park.
9:57 – Bored now. Is it time for Kanye yet?
10:05 – Cher is here. She’s ten times older than Bieber. She’s here to give it to Gaga, I’m sure.
10:07 – And the VMA for Video of the Year goes to … Of course it does, it goes to Gaga! Damn yeah. “I never thought I’d be asking Cher to hold my meat purse” – what I’d make my yearbook quote if it were senior yearbook time.
10:08 – Hey, there’s Aziz Ansari. See, I wasn’t crazy earlier. Merely psychic.
10:09 – SHUT UP IT’S KANYE TIME.
10:11 – A toast for the douchebags, the assholes, the scumbags, the jerkoffs? OH MY GOD I LOVE KANYE SO MUCH.
10:12 – Suck it, T. Swift. Interesting beats sweet every time.
10:13 – I wish I was one of Kanye’s ballerinas. I wished this before this performance, actually. It just seemed like a good wish.
10:14 – The only thing that would make me happier? If the lights came up on a giant aquarium of gay fish.
And that brings us to a happy end on a relatively enjoyable VMA’s. May you all hold my meat purse. Good night!
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at email@example.com.