Well, my little blueberries, next week will be my last week writing for HoboTrashcan, as a regular at least. I’ve had so much fun over the past three years, sharing my tales of horrific nocturnal Wii-playing neighbors, bewilderingly beloved vampire tween porn, horror movie posters that outshone the films they were intended to advertise and liveblogs, liveblogs, liveblogs.
But above all else, there’s been Saved By The Bell. Lots of Saved By The Bell.
I hear you out there clamoring, and with two weeks left to go, I’m here to deliver. I will spend my second to last Outside Of The In-Crowd discussing the best “one-off, never to be seen again” characters in the history of our favorite TNBC program.
The “most-likely-to-have-died-under-mysterious-circumstances” characters can be divided into three categories. The first?
Eternal Lifelong Forever Loves (of exactly one episode)
Zack wasn’t meant to be with anyone but Kelly. The PTB of SBTB knew that and showed it by making Zack a complete manwhore of AIDSy death herpes levels. There was Christy, the lady-wrestler with whom Zack learned a valuable lesson about gender roles and the ability for women to do anything. There was Melissa, the crippled girl with whom Zack learned a valuable lesson about the abilities of the disabled. There was Ginger, played by Veronica Vaughn from Billy Madison who was balls out mentally challenged. There was Slater’s ex-girlfriend, the USC girl who I’m pretty sure raped Zack statutorilly, and a bevy of other skanks who were all Morris’d.
The second is more tragic …
Close and Beloved Family Members (who went the way of Chuck Cunningham)
Jessie’s dad married a busty, blonde, Palm Springs aerobics instructor. Naturally, she was never seen again, but she’s not the issue here. The problem lies in the busty, blonde, Palm Springs aerobics instructor’s son, a New York Jew, who attempted to ruin the lives of Zack and Slater and film an implied sex tape starring his new stepsister. It’s okay. He apologized. He also fell madly in love with Lisa and they promised to give it a real shot as he wasn’t going anywhere.
He went somewhere.
Over time, numbers of siblings went up and down like Kirstie Alley’s blood sugar. Also, Mr. Belding’s wife had a baby and they named it after Zack, adding another bulletpoint to the list of reasons Belding should have been on Chris Hanson’s call-list.
Finally, I give you …
The Rest of the Bayside High School Student Body
In the episode with crippled Melissa, Belding alerts the senior class that they need to complete their senior class project. And by that I mean he alerts Zack, Slater, Screech, Lisa and Lesbian Tori and they’re the only ones who do anything. Fellow students come and go and disappear and reappear and do nothing except serve as sexual fodder for Zack Morris. Bayside was a brothel, and Zack’s its primary source of income.
The mysterious world of Bayside High was a Bermuda Triangle of death and destruction. And we only wish we could have been offered the chance to sail its terrifying seas (what I’m saying is, I wanted to have sex with Zack Morris).
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.