Positive Cynicism – Snowpocaylpse and other hyperbole

Aaron Davis

Aaron R. Davis

I hate snow. Let’s get out of the way right now.

I don’t just dislike snow. I despise it. It is the annoyance of my life that I live in the Midwest, where it snows for months and months, and I’m forced to deal with it because I’m too poor to just up and move to Florida or somewhere.

I hate waking up in the cold, trudging outside, hoping the car will start and, if it does, having to shovel out of my parking lot and clean thick, packed snow off of my vehicle.

And driving in it? That’s the worst. Do you know what sliding across two lanes of traffic, unable to stop, jumping a curb and hitting a tree on a day when the weatherman predicted “no significant accumulation” is not? Fun. It is not fun. It is shitty.

Yes, I hate snow.

But you know what the worst part of hating the snow is? It’s that you apparently can’t express this opinion online for a second without some little fuckwit from a southern state having to chime in “I love the snow! Snow pretty! Snow good! I don’t have a job or ever have to leave the house so I don’t know what it’s like to clean it up and get into car accidents, so snow is as wonderfully magical as a Wonka factory run by panda bears!”

Or you get someone from Canada who starts in with “Buy mittens and deal with it, you little pussy! How dare you have an honest opinion about something that I don’t think is a big deal?”

Apparently, a negative opinion of snow is quite polarizing.

I don’t know what it is that compels people to take to their personal soapboxes and get all huffy over what other people find irritating and difficult in their own lives. I know we have this thing were people who need an outlet to air their personal grievances are supposedly inviting commentary on it, but seriously, if you think someone is overreacting to something you don’t find a particularly big deal, is it too much to ask that you just ignore it and move on with your own life instead of getting all pissy about it? Because other people are on their own roads, and the road may be a little harder for some than what you’re used to, Hercules.

I can sympathize with people who have problems with the snow. I feel for the people in New York who were snowed under by what the media hysterically dubbed the “Snowpocalypse.” And I feel even harder for them when I see people online turning up their noses and asking “It snows in the winter, stop whining about it!”

Let’s get one thing straight: people aren’t “whining” about the snow being too heavy. They aren’t “whining” about having trouble in traffic or not being able to get their cars out of their parking spaces.

These people are “whining” about having a mayor who has had the temerity to a) block all attempts to replenish the money supply for government services, then b) cite that lack of fiscal replenishment as justification for massive layoffs of city workers and then, when the lack of city workers is felt hard during a crisis, c) announces that he’s investigating whether sanitation workers intentionally delayed cleanup efforts as retaliation for the layoffs. Being underfunded and undermanned apparently has nothing to do with it.

I have to say, it takes a particularly gutless piece of filth to screw up basic city services, callously decide that a blizzard isn’t a big deal because you can still get to a Broadway show and then blame the city services you screwed up for not getting things done fast enough. If one good thing came out of this snowstorm, it’s that it has probably ended the presidential aspirations of ineffectual plutocrat Michael Bloomberg; can you imagine another 9/11 being handled by the guy who couldn’t even get snow plows into the outer boroughs?

(Of course, he has the only thing that matters politically anymore — scads of money — so I’m probably wrong there …)

I think New Yorkers have some cause to, you know, “whine” about how they were screwed over by their own mayor.

And, for that matter, I’m okay with people in New Jersey “whining” that their elected officials would rather hang out at Disney World instead of dealing with an actual crisis in the state they’re supposed to be governing.

And you know what else is okay to “whine” about? How about the woman in New York who broke her ankle and, because of the snow, couldn’t get an ambulance through until 30 hours later? You know, I think we can give her a pass on not enjoying or just muddling through the gigantic blizzard.

Oh, and how about the “whiny” parents whose newborn child died because it took EMTs nine hours to get to the baby’s home? I guess those parents should just buy some mittens and boots and stop complaining so much about the snow, right?

After all, it snows every year and it’s pretty so we should just all suck it up.

Was that your point?

Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at samuraifrog@yahoo.com.

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