The New Black – Obscure holidays

Brandi DeLancey

Today is Martin Luther King Day. Federal employees are off of work, kids are home from school and, to top things off, my already lazy postal carrier now has an excuse to not bring my mail. Isn’t it supposed to be “Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night …”?

Obviously though, a day honoring Martin Luther King, Jr. is an incredibly worthy and meaningful holiday. It’s an important day meant to honor a truly great man. But, on this most meaningful holiday, I’d like to take a moment to explore the countless meaningless holidays that are plaguing our calendars year after year. And I’m not just talking about Arbor Day either, I’m talking about the really obscure holidays that pop up on desk calendars and websites that none of us have ever actually heard of before.

Is it just me, or are you noticing that the number of made-for-Hallmark holidays is growing exponentially every time the New Year rolls around? Who is coming up with these things? Is it the people that are lock away to come up with the fortunes inside fortune cookies? What does it take for a new holiday to be created/approved anyway? How many people honor these “holidays” (and I use the term loosely, of course) with any sort of celebration?

Let’s just look at the month of January. It IS the first month of every new year, and I always like to start it out right, but my guess is that waking up on January 2nd without a killer hangover is far more gratifying than setting the cruise control on your car to 55 mph (on the dot) as you drive home from wherever you crashed after that happenin’ party the night before in observance of “55-mph Speed Limit Day.” Seriously, the speed limit already has countless signs all over the world and costly tickets to enforce it; does it really need any more recognition?

This month, as is the case with most other months during the year, there is no shortage of eating and drinking related “holidays” like “Drinking Straw Day, Bean Day,” “Beer Can Day” and “Strawberry Ice Cream Day” just to name a few. These things are obviously of the utmost importance to us … OBVIOUSLY.

We have the indulgent “holidays” that, this month, include “Fun at Work Day” and “Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day.” I don’t know about you, but I’ve never witnessed any observance of this so-called Fun at Work Day. Where was I when this party was going on? And as for the bubble wrap day, any day I get bubble wrap is cause to celebrate by throwing the stuff on the floor and jumping up and down like a crazy woman. Watching my dogs freak out over the popping noise is reason enough to love that holiday! As would be the case if there was some sort of holiday that celebrated the use of a laser pointer.

Even ridiculous holidays that need no party are on the menu in January, including “I’m Not Going to Take It Anymore Day” (clearly a holiday secretly created by Twisted Sister), “Nothing Day” (an easy one to celebrate) and “Freethinkers Day” (it never pays to be a freethinker anyway, so why bother).

From the “Say Whaaaa?!” category, we have “Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day.” I think all of us have probably met at least one person that doesn’t keep this excitement to just one day a year. You know who I’m talkin’ about.

And to round things out, in the “Thank You Captain Obvious” category we have “Cigarettes Are Hazardous to Your Health Day.” I didn’t realize they were only hazardous to your health one day a year. I was under the impression that cigarettes didn’t discriminate. They’re willing to knock 10 years off your life any day. You know, “Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night …” What’s good for postal workers is good for the old cancer stick, I always say.

With all the excitement this month I don’t know how I’ll be getting any work done. Especially from January 20 through the 22, when “Women in Blue Jeans Day” rolls around. Any holiday that spans three days and involves women in blue jeans, I can definitely get behind. I don’t think I could possibly report to work with all of the jean-wearing events that will be planned. Couple that with “International Fetish Day” falling right in the middle of all that, and we got something fairly worthy of a new Federal holiday! Don’t forget your camera phone!

Since clearly they will make a holiday out of anything, why don’t we all sit back on our day off and try to come up with the most ludicrous holiday we can dream up? Oh, and don’t forget to write your Congressmen and insist they be added to the calendar for 2012 while you’re at it. After all, how would we survive without 365 days of stupid holidays that no one even knows or cares to know about?

And if you are the one person out there actually keeping track of and honoring these obscure, ridiculous holidays, well then I think you deserve a holiday dedicated to you. Just don’t expect anyone to care when it rolls around each year.

Brandi DeLancey lives in North Carolina, where she is taking over the Internets one website at a time.