Murphy’s Law – A SFW review of Superman XXX

Joel Murphy

Joel Murphy

“It’s impossible, Lois could never have Superman’s baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I guarantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it’s strong enough to carry his child?

“He’s an alien, for Christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth’s yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom. That would kill him.”

– Brodie, Mallrats

It’s safe to say that Brodie from Mallrats take exception to a few key scenes in Vivid Entertainment’s Superman XXX: A Porn Parody.

Director Axel Braun’s follow up to the hugely successful Batman XXX is a parody of the 1978 Richard Donner film. Like Batman XXX, Braun and Co. have faithfully recreated the look and feel of the source material, painstakingly matching costumes and sets. And, once again, they were kind enough to send me a review copy so I could spend way too much time and effort analyzing the film from a comic fanboy perspective. (If you missed it, you can find my review of Batman XXX here.)

For the most part, Superman XXX is a pretty fun, but I don’t think it quite lives up to its predecessor. Batman XXX worked well because the source material was a low budget, cheesy show with over-the-top dialogue, corny music and ridiculous costumes – in short, the 1960s Batman TV show was a porn without any sex in it. Donner’s Superman is a big budget Hollywood film with a detailed plot and quite a lot of special effects. Superman XXX, like its source material, has a two-hour running time, but only about 25 minutes of that gets dedicated to plot. The rest of the film is, as Flight of the Conchords would say, “business time.”

Condensing two hours of plot into 25 minutes is a futile effort, so instead Braun chose to simply recreate a few key scenes from the film. You get Jor-El condemning Zod and his cronies to the Phantom Zone, Superman saving an airplane from crashing, Lex Luthor launching a missile at Metropolis, Zod and company confronting Lois Lane in Perry White’s office and the iconic scene where Superman and Lois fly through Metropolis together.

Luthor is barely a presence in the film (which is fine actually, since the guy playing him is, to put it kindly, no Gene Hackman), there’s no time to really establish the Lois/Superman/Clark Kent love triangle and Zod and Co. get defeated by Superman in record time. And, most disappointing of all, Otis has been completely cut out of the film. (Although, the more I think about it, this might be for the best since the last time a Ned Beatty character was in a sex scene, it really didn’t turn out that well for him.) Now, I realize that I am probably the only person in the world who watched this film for the plot (although, in my defense, there is a special “no sex” version of the film included on the DVD), but it just really felt choppy and disjointed when watched as a whole, which is something Batman XXX managed to avoid.

I’m sure most people who pick up this DVD won’t be bothered by that. And if all you are looking for is a few classic scenes from the film used as springboards for the naughty bits, then you won’t be disappointed. And, on that front, Braun has a few creative flourishes that you should appreciate, like Miss Teschmacher removing Lex Luthor’s wig during sex, Superman uttering the line “They don’t call me the Man of Steel for nothing” and the hilarious use of a knockoff of John Williams’ classic score during the … um, climax … of Superman’s big rooftop scene with Lois.

There are a few great comedic moments in the film as well. Having actors say “It’s a bird!” “It’s a plane!” “It’s a guy in red underpants!” made me laugh more than it should of, as did a particularly funny sequence where Clark Kent has trouble finding an unoccupied space to change into his Superman outfit.

There are a few things that don’t quite work in the film. For one thing, the phrase “Kneel before Zod” takes a very, very disturbing turn in the Daily Planet scene with Lois. Also, the fake beard Zod is sporting and the indistinguishable accent the actor playing Zod implements are both incredibly unconvincing. There are a few CGI sequences, particularly the exterior shots of the airplane, that look rather “SyFy Original Movie” quality, but I suppose that is to be expected in a film like this. Most of the effects do work though, particularly the green screen wire work used to make Superman fly.

While the film itself is a bit hit-or-miss, to me the absolute best part of this DVD is the 30-minute “Behind-the-Scenes” featurette included on the disc. Seriously, it is riveting. You get to watch Axel Braun direct a few non-sex scenes, which makes you realize that at the end of the day he really is a competent director looking to get the best possible performances out of his actors. You get to see the actors playing Superman and Lois Lane in harnesses working on the blocking for their flight sequence. You find out that the plane used in the film is the same one they shot Airplane on in 1980. There’s a fun interview with Lexi Belle (who plays a flight attendant), where she gets her hair done for her scene while a woman sits in the background texting and looking incredibly bored. You get to see Andy San Demas (who plays Lois) rocking a Garbage Pail Kids shirt and Alexis Texas (who plays Miss Teschmacher) rocking an Optimus Prime shirt, which raised them both considerably in my mind.

Speaking of Ms. Texas, the absolutely highlight of the behind-the-scenes featurette is watching her relentlessly harass Axel Braun’s 18-year-old son, who apparently was nonplussed to be stuck hanging around his dad’s “workplace.” I could have watched her torment poor Ricky Braun for hours – seriously, every minute of it is hilarious, including when she tries to teach him how to have “game.”

The featurette is fantastic and the film itself is overall pretty fun (though, once again, Superman finds himself in Batman’s shadow). If you are a Superman fan looking to see what Metropolis would be like if Brodie’s theory is wrong, then I recommend checking it out. It’s a chance to definitively find out if Superman really is, much to Lois’ chagrin, faster than a speeding bullet.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.

Similar Posts:

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *