In the dark days, before what came to be known as “The Great Breakthrough,” scoring a supply was no easy task. To obtain your rations, you couldn’t simply go to the corner store. Instead, you had to seek out a supplier – typically in a parking lot, back alley or, if you were lucky, an office break room – and buy as many boxes as you could afford, knowing that this would be your one and only chance all year.
The suppliers were petite, yet imposing fascists in drab green uniforms charging outrageous prices for tiny cardboard boxes filled with more plastic packaging and air than actual food. They joylessly peddled the product because of promises from their overlords of bicycles and trips to Space Camp, which sadly for the vast majority of them would never be fulfilled.
In those days, you could get a better deal in a Russian bread line than you could in this shadowy Black Market. And even if you were able to successfully score your supply through the underground network, you had to worry about carnivorous thieves – most of them your own family members and roommates – stealing your supply after failing to obtain their own. Friendships were ended; families destroyed.
But a brave group of pint-sized humanitarians working tirelessly in an undisclosed tree house laboratory sought to wrestle control from the regime. Working in secret, these noble men tried to break the formula so that they could create their own supply for the starving masses. After many tireless years of research, The Great Breakthrough occurred one night when a sleep-deprived elf finally cracked the secret code, figuring out the exact ratio of coconut to chocolate. Songs were written about and monuments were dedicated to this great man – Ernie the elf, savior of the people.
And that, my friends, is how the Keebler Elves created Coconut Dreams, an exact replica of the tastiest of all Girl Scout Cookies – Samoas.
Cracking the secret formula of a much-coveted grocery item is never an easy task. Renowned-physician Dr. Perky devoted the latter years of his life to creating a less expensive alternative to Dr. Pepper, but died before he could ever truly replicate those 23 famous flavors. And, as anyone who has ever tasted Malt-o-Meal’s Marshmallow Mateys can tell you, producing a cheap Lucky Charms alternative has proved equally futile. But somehow Keebler succeeded where these other pioneers failed.
When I saw a package of Coconut Dreams sitting on the shelf of my local grocery store this past weekend, I was of course skeptical. I had been burned by cheap knockoffs before (damn you, Mountain Lightning) and wasn’t sure if I could trust Keebler’s Fudge Shoppe to faithfully recreate my favorite Girl Scout cookie. But, I figured it was worth the risk for a chance to taste this delicious treat outside the confines of an annual fundraising drive.
And I’m so glad I did. As that first cookie melted in my mouth, I was happy no one else was around to witness the tears of joy streaming down my face. At that moment, I had never been more proud to be an American living in a consumer-based, instant gratification culture.
You may be skeptical like I was, my friends, but I am here to tell you that Coconut Dreams taste exactly like Samoas. And I mean exactly. And they are available, any time of year, in your local grocery store. You can have them whenever you want. It’s an endless supply of deliciousness.
I’ve never understood why the Girl Scouts make buying their cookies so difficult. Why can’t you order them online or buy them in stores? Being a 30-year-old single man who doesn’t share David Wooderson’s views on high school girls, I don’t know any Girl Scouts, so having to track them down in order to get cookies is both difficult and creepy. Besides, we all like your cookies and want to buy them, so why only make them available once a year?
I’m sure Girl Scout purists will argue that only making the cookies available once annually makes them special. They’ll tell you that having limited access to these cookies makes you enjoy them more when you do buy them. They are, of course, big fat liars.
These Coconut Dreams seemed pretty damn special when I cracked them open. And so will the ones I purchase next week and the week after that. It’s a brave new world, friends. The Girl Scouts reign of cookie tyranny has finally come to an end.
Freedom has never tasted so coconutty.
Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.