The New Black – Low-rise jeans for men

Brandi DeLancey

Brandi DeLancey

Low-rise jeans for dudes. I’m not sure whose bright idea this was, but they should be taken out back and stoned! They have committed a crime against humanity! Maybe I should use a few more exclamation marks to drive the point home!!!!!!

No doubt you all have had your eyeballs assaulted with the same images of Teen Mom Amber Portwood’s Baby Daddy’s plumber’s butt (say that five times fast) that I have this week. Why, for the love of all that is sacred and holy, was this allowed to happen?

Just because you knock some chick up that isn’t even old enough to drink yet and somehow get noticed by MTV, who then decides to throw money at you to continue being the dredge that you are, does not give you a free pass to dress like a $5 hooker trying to catch Charlie Sheen’s eye by bearing your backdoor for all the world to see!

If there was no such thing as low-rise jeans for men in the first place, this tragic event would have never come to pass. So I ask again, whose idea was it to make these butt-crack bearing jeans for the male species?
Now, you may think that I’m being a bit discriminatory here because I’m not bashing the low-rise jeans for women at the same time. *Insert image of chick with her thong sticking out above her jeans here.* And normally you’d have a case except for the simple fact that there are certain things that are just not meant for men to be seen in public wearing.

Let’s see, for example the bra … to date, there is still no male equivalent of this piece of feminine garb, despite Kramer and Mr. Costanza’s futile attempt. Pantyhose. Women almost refuse to wear these things, men should be no different. Oh and let’s not forget high heels. The male foot is just not designed to fit inside of an $800 pair of Christian Louboutin pumps, and for good reason!

These low-rise jeans are not the first fashion no-no to be created for guys. Oh no! I have yet to go to a European beach for fear of seeing the dreaded “banana hammock” in all its glory. There is a reason most American men wear board shorts, and I couldn’t be more thankful! What about the leather pants that Ross made infamous on that episode of Friends when he sweated so profusely he couldn’t get them off … baby powder, lotion, need I say more? And finally the Velcro-strapped male sandal. Seriously, Velcro shouldn’t be worn by anyone with the ability to tie their own shoes. Not to mention that the words “male” and “sandal” should never be spoken in the same sentence. What are those things called? Tevas? Yeah, just say no!

I think I’d almost rather see these guys donning the equally horrid gathered leg sweat pant than the low-rise jean. And if you know anything about me, you know that is pretty damn bad! You may as well have given up on life if you wake up, walk into your closet and reach for your beloved low riders out of reflex. Because YOU my friend, are headed down a path that no one in their right minds would follow you down in order to bring you back to civilization.

Do us all a favor, get a private shopper. Maybe a personal stylist. Have a sister? Take her shopping with you. That cute girl you’re non-low-rise jean wearing friend has been dating for over a year … I dunno, any girl that you have access to will work. She WILL tell you the truth, so ask her opinion before wearing anything questionable. Unlike men, women don’t want to be seen with a bad dresser. We don’t lie for the sake of being nice. We’d rather hurt your feelings than be embarrassed ourselves. Yeah, we’re bitchy like that, but let’s face it, you’ll never be the worst dressed in the room if you take our advice.

Outside of embarrassment, I’m sure we all have different reasons for not wanting to see dudes in certain things, but I think we can all agree that the male butt-crack is never a good thing. You could shave it and paint it with body glitter and it’d still make my stomach turn. We don’t want to see a guys boxers sticking a foot above their pants, so why on earth would we want to see their *ahem* very unattractive rear? Clearly, there is no good answer to that question and that is how it should stay.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go check my husband’s closet for anything that may be construed as offensive. Wouldn’t want to find myself on!

Brandi DeLancey lives in North Carolina, where she is taking over the Internets one website at a time.

Comments (1)
  1. Dar March 1, 2011

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