The New Black – Shop ’til you drop

Brandi DeLancey

So I’ve been invited to this wedding in a few weeks and because I work from home and have no life, I have absolutely NOTHING to wear! Not in that girl-who-loves-to-shop-and-spend-money way, but I seriously have nothing to wear to any sort of event that would demand more than hole-y, paint stained yoga pants and my favorite $6 Target t-shirt.

Uh huh, now you smell what I’m steppin’ in?

I successfully put off shopping for something to wear until this past weekend – *facepalm* – when I had every intention of running out to my local Marshalls or Ross to find a respectable outfit and call it a day. But did the universe allow for such a simple task to be completed in the exact manor I had intended? In the words of a certain someone I know, “Oh HAIL no!”

I started my Saturday with the rudimentary half caf, non-fat, sugar-free vanilla latte. All fired up to do the one thing … okay, one OF the things I hate to do most … shop.

Looking back, I now realize that clothes shopping is akin helping a six year old do their homework, it’s the bane of my existence! Yes, I am a female who HATES to shop, and especially for clothes.

First stop, Ross … I beeline it over to the women’s section. Awesome, they are having some dress event. I start browsing through the racks in my size. No, no, no … no … no … definitely not … eh, ma … nah, and nope. I’ve seen enough … moving on to Marshalls. Again, beeline over to the dress racks in my size. Dress after dress, nothing! Well, Belk is right there, so I walk in there … do a loop around the store and come right back out the front door.

I now have to make the decision to either wait some more and wind up shopping the weekend before the wedding and settling for the first thing I see in my size even if it makes me look like my great aunt Sophie who is fighting the battle of the bulge or make the 45 minute drive into the city and shop some more. Damn it! Off to the city I go …

I head for the mall that is closest to my house, hoping that they have a better selection. I hit Ross … Old Navy … Target … NOTHING! What is up with these stores? Do people really wear the shit they are selling?! There is nothing but brightly colored, oddly patterned, shapeless sacs, too short strapless sundresses or prom-style gowns covered in sequins and made out of iridescent material.

I’ve now gone to six stores and have seen nothing even remotely close to something I’d wear, even on my worst day.
To the mall I go. I wander around hitting every store that sells dresses and/or dress clothes. I emerge, completely stressed, wondering why they don’t sell beer at the kiosk next to the Pillow Pets stand. All I managed to accomplish here was two pairs of underwear from Victoria’s Secret which I got for free with my coupons. Which, by the way, got me dirty looks from the sales lady when I turned down her offer to actually spend money *gasp*.

Okay, I’m really starting to get annoyed here. I’ve been shopping for four hours now and have not even come up with a maybe for this outfit I will need to wear in three weeks. I decide it’s time to get some lunch because I’m either a) dizzy from being famished or 2) I’ve walked in and out of some many stores in such a short period of time I’m starting to have seizures.

To the second mall I go. I have no idea how many stores are in this mall, but I am hell bent on walking out with something that my husband won’t be embarrassed to be seen with me in. I walk in and out an in and out of soooo many stores. I see nothing! I decide to change my search from dresses to pants. How hard could this possibly be?! Turns out, quite.

Seriously, what is the deal with all of these outrageous colors? How about navy blue, black, charcoal, brown? Is plain and simple too much to ask? It’s not that I dislike colorful, but I also don’t want to look like I’m trying to show up the bride with my neon pink, sequined, strapless number with the plunging neckline.

Seven hours, two malls, two strip malls and a huge dip in my sanity after I ran out to “pick something up” from Ross or Marshalls, I end up with something I probably had in my closet at one time or another, but because I went through all this trouble I’ll be damned if I don’t come home with something new!

My family is puffing with sighs of relief, and I’m headed to get cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory to calm my frayed nerves. Yes, it makes me feel better! Have you tried their cheesecake?!

Honestly, I don’t know how women go out and just shop for fun … that was by NO means FUN! I’d rather be scrubbing the toilet in my son’s bathroom than shopping for clothes. It’s not even so much the spending of the money as much as it is the fact that I really need to just make my own clothing. I’m not sure what it is about a bright orange piece of fabric, called a dress by the store, that makes it worth charging $89.90 for … but I can tell you this girl will not have it in her closet.

I’ve decided that when it becomes socially acceptable to wear my favorite v-neck t-shirt and my favorite pair of jeans to ANY, and I mean ANY event, I will be happier than the proverbial pig in shit. Until then, I’m staying home and letting someone else stimulate the economy.

Brandi DeLancey lives in North Carolina, where she is taking over the Internets one website at a time.