The New Black – Spring preening

Brandi DeLancey

Brandi DeLancey

Last week marked the beginning of spring. It’s the time of year when flowers begin blooming, grass begins turning green, birds begin singing and all of us start to shed our winter coats and get our bathing suit bodies whipped into shape for the summer months.

For a little under half of the US population, this should be no problem … they are already at the “status quo”. As for the rest of us … this task is a bit more daunting.

Bring on the diets. Yes, the haphazard ups and downs we Americans put ourselves through year after year to try to live up to some completely irrational standard that is all but unattainable. This is not a problem plaguing just women these days either. Nope, men are jumping on the less-is-more bandwagon just as readily.

Who set the rules when it came to the ideal body measurements anyway? The creator of the Barbie doll?

There is a reason there is such a taboo revolving around super model’s weight … no one can attain the figure these people are expected to keep and actually hope to have a meal each day, let alone be healthy! And yet for some reason, we will all set ourselves up for disappointment, once again, and start down the road to Skinnyville.

As a society, we are weight obsessed, but that’s no big surprise, right? The problem is, we are also financially crippled and severely crunched for time. All of these things force us to buy cheap and buy convenient when it comes to what we eat. Plus, the first thing to go when we are too busy to see straight is the exercise. These things unfortunately do NOT make for a waistline-friendly lifestyle. Thus here we are on the diet merry-go-round again hoping we will be able to squeeze ourselves into that cute little bathing suit we saw in the window of that trendy shop in town two months from now.

Speaking of cute little bathing suits though, what about those short shorts and barely there skirts? The uniform of summer.

Have you been in the stores lately? Have you seen these things? During my all day wedding outfit escapade a few weeks ago, I got a good look at what the lighter half of Americans will be wearing when the temperature goes up. I have one hope for these items of clothing. That hope is that ONLY, yes, ONLY a scant few wear these items out in public. Because for the rest of us, who’s diets haven’t yielded the proper proportions yet, it may be borderline obscene! There are very few people, period, who could pull this stuff off.

And again, we have evidence that the ideal body size is slightly different than what is actually being represented.

There was a time when bathing suits were one piece, when shorts were capri’s and when thin wasn’t a requirement for cute clothing. Alas, I never got to experience such a time. As long as I’ve been around, the expectation was to be a size six or less, to wear a teeny string bikini, to sport the shorts with the pockets sticking out BELOW the hem and don’t forget the skirts that barely skim your backside.

I, for one, hate to exercise. I hate to diet. I LOVE food, and I happen to like two piece bathing suits. Regardless of how “curvy” I am come summer, I will be sporting this skin bearing wardrobe. It’s doubtful I will stop traffic as I cross the street to get to the beach. It’s even less likely I will find a trail of googly eyed men in my wake when I step out in public with my new micro shorts on. But I’ll be damned if I’m gonna be forced to sweat my ass off in jeans just because the world can’t make clothes that actually cover body parts.

Why should I be forced to suffer if I can’t get rid of the last of those Christmas cookies I gorged myself on in December? They were good, damn it! And what would Christmas be without cookies?! I’m not going to kill myself through the holidays just because I have to be able to fit into some summer clothes that look as if they were made for my 10-year-old cousin … nah, I’ll wait until after the New Year when all of the good food is put away. Then, and only then, I remember that swimsuit I have to get into.

So get on that treadmill if it makes you feel good, cut back on your portions, eat more fruit and veggies; but do it because it’s good for you and not just because that girl over there looks better in her workout clothes than you do. Keep in mind that the number on her tag is just as skewed as yours is, and more than likely, SHE IS STARVING!

Brandi DeLancey lives in North Carolina, where she is taking over the Internets one website at a time.

Comments (1)
  1. noel jones March 28, 2011

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