The New Black – Do-over

Brandi DeLancey

Brandi DeLancey

So, once again, we have been spared.

No Rapture.

No Apocalypse.

Clearly, God looked down on Earth and decided we just weren’t up to snuff. So let’s take this as a second … or third … or sixth chance at a do-over. Let’s NOT keep making the same mistakes we’ve made in the past.
I’ve taken this opportunity to create a list of 10 things we should wipe from the slate and why. Hopefully, we can purge these things from the Earth so that when the 2012 Mayan Apocalypse rolls around, we will all finally be dubbed worthy of being raptured …

10. Reality shows like Jersey Shore, Jerseylicious, Teen Mom and whatever they call the new show featuring Paris Hilton’s horrible, horrible life. (Seriously, who’s idea was it to give that girl another show?)

These shows are all designed on the concept of schadenfreude – they are supposed to make us feel better about our lives by offering up people far worse than we are. But when those people are rewarded for being on these shows by making hundreds of thousands of dollars in appearance fees and begin to get treated like actual celebrities, then it completely defeats the purpose. Thanks television producers … for nothing!

9. Allowing celebrities to cash in on their instability and drug use.

This needs little explanation with the likes of Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears having ruled the media. If I go off the deep end and start beating cars with my umbrella in the parking lot of the local grocery store or gather a gaggle of topless metrosexual men to don speedo’s with the words ‘Brandi DeLancey’s Hunks’ emblazoned on the back while doing webisodes with me, I’d be hauled off to the nearest looney bin. Instead these people, who already have earned (and blown) millions, are publicized and marketed FOR being nuttier than squirrel shit under an oak tree! Where is the justice here?

8. Fascinators.

I’m not sure why these things became the talk of the planet for about 72 hours, other than the fact that every attendee of the Royal Nuptials was ‘required’ to wear one. Where did these things come from? They are nothing but ridiculous looking hats accessories. It seemed like the more ridiculous the fascinator, the more everyone seemed to like it. Princess Beatrice steps out in something that resembles an octopus trying to devour her face and she is suddenly the most stylish creature on the place! In fact, the thing was apparently so astounding that no one even noticed how her front teeth protrude from her mouth like she is the Easter Bunny.

What I want to know is how much the damn things cost! Because if they paid more than $20 for some of them, they got robbed. I’m fairly sure my six-year-old could pull something off just using toilet paper rolls, tissue paper, Elmer’s glue and some string.

7. Shape Ups and those shoes that look like feet.

They look ridiculous! Have we really reached such an all-time low level of laziness that we are now in need of a shoe that ‘tones’ as we walk? And seriously, how many of you out there are walking enough while you are wearing them to make any sort of difference? Chances are, if you get up off your ass and take a walk in your normal tennis shoes, you are going to achieve the same freakin’ results! As for the feet shoes … did I mention they look ridiculous? If you want the illusion of being barefoot, go barefoot!

6. Justin Bieber.

They really broke the mold when they manufactured this one. I know every generation has their little boy dream boat, but this kid creates madness when he enters a room. How many young artists do you know that hit the scene at such a young age and within a year of stardom already have a documentary about their lives? Most celebrities are practically dead before they get their own movies.

5. The Disney Divas.

I know these girls kind of go hand in hand with the Bieb, but I am putting them in their own category because there are so many of them! Disney must be giving out bundles. For every TV show you are signed for, you get a recording contract. All you have to do is fit into this little mold we have right here.

4. Huge gas guzzling vehicles.

This one literally seems like a sin. When we are searching for the next unspoiled tundra to start mining for oil, it seems a bit counterproductive to sell Hummers, Denalis and any other land yacht that takes as much gas to go 10 miles as a small jet takes to go from DC to Chicago. I don’t care how big you paint ‘FLEX Fuel’ on the side of it, it can’t possibly be fuel efficient, let alone good for the environment. But I guess if you’re going on the idea that the end of the world is in a few months, what’s it matter if you deplete the worlds source of fuel and break down the earth’s defense against spontaneously combusting.

3. Phone Sex.

Do we really need this? With the advent of the Internet and the readily available porn channels and Pay-Per-View on cable and dish, phone sex just seems a bit passé. By the time you’ve paid $5 per minute for a ten minute phone call to get your rocks off, you could’ve had a three hour block of adult entertainment on cable with money to spare, or rented a handful of porno flicks from X-Rent … not to mention the free porn you can find online if you are “diligent” enough. So let this go the way of the rotary phone and silent pictures. If you are going to do something as sinful as masturbate, you may as well do it as cost effectively as possible, right?!

2. Grills, fronts, or whatever else they call those things.

Again, this goes in my list of ‘Who Thought This Was a Good Idea’ products. These are not false teeth. They are not taking the place of a tooth that is now missing. They do not offer the toothless aide in chewing their food or talking. As a matter of fact, I’d think they’d make it harder to speak properly. But chances are, we will never know that for sure since the majority who wear them seem to speak another language entirely. Need I even mention how stupid they look? I can think of about 500 more important things I could do with the amount of money spent on something so useless.

1. The Rapture Hysteria.

Why do we buy into this hype? Does anyone actually believe that any one person or group can pin point this date? Why does this become such a huge news story whenever it surfaces? It’s starting to become something like the Preakness or the annual bar crawl my friend’s fraternity puts on … a time to gather all of those close to you and have a big party. But more importantly to drink. I feel like this started with Y2K. Everyone got together for huge New Year’s Eve parties while those who bought into the hype sat home wearing tin foil hats and stocking up their bomb shelters readying for the crash of all things computerized. And what happened? Much like this past Sunday morning, we all woke up to the sounds of our cell phone alarms to the same crap lives we had the day before (albeit with a hangover).
So let’s work on ridding the world of these atrocities pronto, because one day the Reckoning will be for reals ya’ll!

Brandi DeLancey lives in North Carolina, where she is taking over the Internets one website at a time.

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