Aaron R. Davis
As many of you have been discussing this weekend, the predicted Rapture, rather predictably, just fizzled out before our eyes. May 21, 2011, will go down in history as a minor footnote, just another of many predicted apocalypses that the sky pilots got wrong about the end of the world.
Or did it?
Here’s something to have fun with: maybe the Rapture did occur, and the vast majority of us were found wanting. Maybe Jesus just took Randy “Macho Man” Savage and decided the rest of us weren’t worth the trouble, with our Internets and our pajama jeans and those silly pointed shoes they’re wearing in Mexico now. Now cracked a noble heart; goodnight, sweet Macho Man, and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest. You truly were the best of us. Oooooooh yeaaaaaaaaah!
So what about the rest of us? Well, as fans of the bible and bible fan fiction like Left Behind should know, we’re now living through the Tribulation, the period of hardship after the Rapture but before the Second Coming, when the world will experience hardship, disaster, famine, war, pain and suffering before the return of Jesus and Macho Man to judge the living and the dead. Of course, name a time in history when we didn’t have hardship, disaster, famine, war, pain and suffering … and we’ve got all of those Internet trolls judging us now … so how is the Tribulation going to be different from what we’ve already had?
It could get worse, I suppose. I don’t know how it could get much worse than Congressperson Michele Bachmann’s supporters calling a 16-year-old girl a whore, telling her she deserves to get raped and threatening to publish her personal information so that people can come and rape her, just because she challenged Rep. Bachmann to defend her ideas, all while Bachmann is curiously silent (and, through silence, complicit) … but I’m sure the fact that Rebecca Black is in a recording studio giving birth to a new hideously auto-tuned monstrosity will make it worse. If Rebecca Black’s continued recording career doesn’t convince you this is the Tribulation, I’m not sure what can.
And none of you listened when I said Lady Gaga was a harbinger of the end times.
Really, just scan the news and you’ll see signs of humanity undergoing its worst trial: news about celebrities. The fact that anyone really cares about what happens to Ginnifer Goodwin — not to mention the fact that she keeps getting work despite being awful — should show you that something supernatural is going on.
So should the fact that Donald Trump can say that he would’ve won the presidency if he’d decided to run without some reporter somewhere calling him an ass to his face. Donald Trump is an ass. Seriously, Donald, if you’re reading this right now (and let’s face it, why wouldn’t you be?), you are an ass. You’re the only man in the history of the world who lost money on a casino — TWICE. You ass.
And by the way, what is a John Rich? Apparently he won Celebrity Apprentice, one of those shows that really helps stretch, redefine and completely cheapen the word “celebrity.” I see his picture here on the Internet, and he’s wearing some kind of cowboy costume, so I assume he’s a country singer. Seriously, what is with the cowboy outfits, guys? You know you’re not really cowboys, right? I think it’s long past time to give up your ridiculous cowboy fetish and hang up your Halloween costumes. I look at all of you grown men out there in your Stetsons and your boots and your giant belt buckles and I just see an overgrown child playing dress-up.
If you’re one of these cowboy fetishists and you’ve ever made fun of anyone dressed like a Stormtrooper or a Starfleet officer, please explain to me how your daily costume is any different? It’s like a guy who plays Fantasy Football and wears a Chicago Bears jersey to a game making fun of a guy who plays Dungeons & Dragons and wears a Spider-Man costume to a convention. You know what the only difference is, football fans? Your fantasy has a lot more grown men fondling, er, tackling each other.
Tribulation, man. That’s definitely what it is. Tribulation.
It’s really a good catch-all excuse as to why our nation is so dumbly interested in stupidity.
Two and a Half Men is still on the air? Tribulation.
People are still talking about Prince William and Kate Middleton? Tribulation. Did you know that there was a girl in Mexico who went on a hunger strike for an invitation to the royal wedding? Oh yeah, end times, baby.
People apparently just catching on to what a womanizing douche Arnold Schwarzenegger is, despite literally hundreds of stories about it since Pumping Iron came out? Hey, people are stupid: it’s the Tribulation.
Pajama jeans? Hey, it’s the Tribulation, I want to be comfortable, alright?
How about the guy who wrote the God-loving ballad “You Light Up My Life” killing himself while undergoing an investigation into his possibly raping a dozen girls? I know you have to separate the kitsch-maker from the kitsch, but there’s the story of another Jesus fan who has a real problem living by the message.
Actually, you know what’s fun about living in post-Rapture times? Screwing with the devout. We all have a relative or 10 who considers themselves a good and devout Christian, living by the word of Jesus when they’re not busy writing homophobic screeds on Facebook or telling your cousins they’re going to hell for wearing that outfit on a date. Those are the people you can really have fun with for the next few days. Just call one of them up and ask: “So, why didn’t God take you? I figured he would’ve, but you’re still here. Really makes you think, doesn’t it? So, what are you going to spend the Tribulation doing?”
I’m going to spend my Tribulation calling Donald Trump an ass.
Macho Man bless you and keep you. Macho Man make his face to shine upon you, and snap into a Slim Jim. Amen.
Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at email@example.com.