The New Black – Kim Kardashian stars in The Rock

Brandi DeLancey

Brandi DeLancey

I’d like to offer up congratulations to Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries on their engagement. I always get a little emotional when I hear that two rich celebrities are joining forces to make one mega rich celebrity couple poised to bear children born with a silver spoon dangling from their lips.

Yes, I get emotional, but mainly because it reminds me how stinkin’ dirt poor I am in comparison. But I’m getting off topic here…

Engagement rings. A symbol of our love for one another. Size shouldn’t matter, right? When I was presented with a 1.5 carat “engagement” ring on my three, yes three, year wedding anniversary I was elated. I honestly could not even fathom the emotion one would have when starring down the sparkly chasm that is a 20.5 carat diamond! I imagine they are mostly emotions about how much debt you’d be marrying into due to the cost of it! There’s no way they are paying that shit off BEFORE the wedding!
I know they say you find love when you aren’t looking for it, but for Kim K, I think it was more like, “you find love when you need sunglasses to look at your engagement ring.”

Now, Kris’ response to the size of the ring was, “I just wanted it to be big.” Yeah honey, don’t we all! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said heard that. But “big” is a relative term. “Big” in comparison to what?! The size of Khloe’s 12.5 carat engagement ring? Or “big” as in about half the size of the freakin’ Hope Diamond?! Yes, please.

Kris (to jewelry store sales person): Umm, yeah, show me the biggest bling you got.

(Sales Person takes out a 10 carat diamond.)

Kris (slapping the diamond out of their hand): Damn it, I said BIG! I can’t propose to a Kardashian ON camera with a 10 carat diamond! What the hell are you thinking?!

The damn thing is so ginormous there is no way you could possibly wear it every day like normal married women do. Could you imagine the things it would get caught on? How would you get dressed without tearing your clothes to shreds, or mauling your own skin? There’s absolutely no way you could wear it in a seedy part of town without fear of abduction. Guess Kim won’t be leaving The Hills anymore without a full security detail. Wearing it while driving could be a danger to other drivers too! The sun hits that monster and reflects into oncoming traffic and there goes the freeway … mass chaos and a 200 car pileup. It’s a damn liability!

Speaking of liabilities, what happens when the diamond falls out of the setting, as they are apt to do when you are constantly snagging your ring on your string bikini while lazing around the beaches of Mexico? I’ll tell you what happens! The whole population of Mexico is called out to do an inch-by-inch search of the surrounding area until it turns up. Of course, you may have to worry about whether or not you are getting the real deal back instead of a 20.5 carat piece of glass if one of the Cartel finds it first … but hey, I’m sure they’d give it back to a Kardashian … right? Shit, I lose my diamond and my freakin’ homeowners insurance premium triples when I go to replace it! Where’s the fairness in that?

Plus, don’t you think the engagement ring kind of set a precedent for what the wedding should be like? Say you are handed a plastic ring out of a gumball machine, you sort of expect a JOP style courthouse wedding. A $2 million sparkler tends to SCREAM national debt! You’re setting yourself up with that shit, dude.

Be prepared to eat Ramen noodles for the next 60 years while you guys spend all your dough paying for the wedding of the millennium. And I sure hope it all works out, because divorce is NOT built into the budget my friend! Who knows, maybe if more men could afford a 20.5 carat symbol of their love and undying devotion, the statistics for divorce would be lower. Maybe this man has figured out the secret to marital longevity. Or maybe he is just trying to give his future wife the proper tools to fend off all of those skeevy men that will of course be trying to woo the lovely Miss Kim K. One punch to the nose with that thing and your dream career of professional perfume sniffer is going right down the shitter.

Hey, I’m just trying to give the guy the benefit of the doubt here.

But of course, I wish these two all the best and I hope that big investment the future Mr. Kardashian has just made pays off in a BIG way! It kind of makes you wonder what sort of groom’s gift she has planned for him, huh? Where are the cameras for that?

Brandi DeLancey lives in North Carolina, where she is taking over the Internets one website at a time.

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