The first installment of this year’s greatest hits consisted only of comments made by me. Let’s start Volume II with some of the wisdom-laced remarks made by the people who will some day draw your blood in a hospital … or direct your plane in for landing at the busiest time of the day … or monitor the control room at the nearest nuclear facility. Oh wait, those are kids at a school near you. Our graduates will be glad to get your Burger King order right … on the third try.
Overheard during a passionate discussion on some NBA star: “Dude! He’s got talent but he got no skills!” Please note that this kid swore he was making perfect sense.
Shouted out loud to the entire class while watching a documentary about the Lost Boys of Sudan when one of the film’s subjects was shown putting a suitcase in his car: “Yo Bitt! Is he gonna driiiiiiive all the way back to Africa?” Please note that this car was in Syracuse, New York, and that this girl was completely serious. A world map was produced so that the class could explain to her what all that blue was between the U.S. and Africa.
Overheard in the hall from the senior class’s biggest handjob of a kid, a chunky boy with a shit personality: “Oh my God! Tell that girl I’ll give her my whole KFC check if she goes out with me!” Please note that this kid couldn’t get laid in Southeast D.C. with Lebron James’s paycheck.
Comment offered in response to a question asking what the evil hags in Macbeth plan to do to wreak havoc on a certain sailor: “She said she can’t wait to blow that man all over the place!” Please note that Macbeth does not have any blowjob scenes.
Student’s way of identifying the character Krogstad in the play A Doll’s House: “Yo! That’s that nigga tryin’ to give Nora the clap!” Please note that the character Krogstad does indeed have an STD and that the kid’s answer was actually correct. Not very eloquent, but correct.
Overheard during the first week of school as students reminisced about summer parties: “Wait a minute. When is the Fourth of July?” Please note that I had a friend in college who asked the same question and who also held his New Year’s Eve party on December 30.
Question asked to me, in a very low voice by an NCAA division I football prospect as he walked by me into my class one day: “Yo Bitters … smellyourdick?” Please note that I have no idea where that question came from, and further note that I yelled in after him, “No, but you will tonight when your mom kisses you goodnight?” Yes, I really did say that. I was proud of how quickly I came up with it.
Girl’s attempt to offer a helpful comment during a science class discussion on recessive genes, just after the teacher cited examples such as attached earlobes and webbed toes: “My brother says I have camel toe! What’s that?” Please note that this might, in fact, also be caused by a recessive gene, but alas, a gynecologist was not on hand to confirm.
Of course, not all the student humor was in the form of unintentionally absurd comments. Sometimes a student can provide educational wonder just with his actions. Take the injured football star who was so depressed about not being able to suit up for his final homecoming game that he drank most of a fifth of vodka before school and during first period. (It mixes well with Gatorade.) By third period he staggered almost comatose into a coach’s empty classroom and collapsed. Other coaches and a jock-sniffing VP were secretly called to the room. They got him to lie down on one of the computer counters while they went about filling out the paperwork and reporting this to … oh please. Didn’t I say he was a football player, and a good one? Those kids don’t get in trouble. They let him sleep it off on the coach’s office couch. The contacted the kid’s father to come get him.
The father promptly came up to the school, signed out his son and they led the kid to the parking lot when the halls were empty during class. The father was heard yelling in the parking lot, “You gonna drive yourself home, and I’m gonna follow behind you, and if you get a DWI or get in a wreck, it’s on you and maybe then you learn your lesson!” Luckily, the kid made it home, and Father of the Year, a.k.a. Mr. Good Judgment, avoided a potential lawsuit and jail time himself. For the rest of the year, every time I saw this kid, I would either demonstrate the sobriety test nose touch or just yell out, “Hey hey, buddy! 53 days and still sober! I’m proud of ya!”
This same kid provided a classic video moment when one of the snack machine vendors inadvertently left a machine’s front door unlocked after stocking the machine. Kids noticed it and emptied the machine in minutes during second period. In third period, an angry principal took to the P.A. with the following message: “We have you all on camera. You can all come to Mr. VP’s office in the next ten minutes to either return the items your took or make restitution for what you ate, and the matter will be closed, but those of you who do not show up will be charged with theft by the school officer.”
A video shows this kid in the VP’s office opening one of those big, bulky Staypuff Marshmallow Man jackets and letting loose an avalanche of Doritos, Fritos and Sun Chips. His friend told me later that after loading his jacket with upwards of 30 bags of chips, he had to walk very slowly because of all the crunching sounds from the bags. His friend kept poking him, and the friend said to me, through actual tears of laughter, “Everywhere I’d poke him [demonstrates 3-4 light, slow pokes] you’d hear ‘crunch … crunch … crunch.”
And there you have it, another collection of true tales from another shit ass American high school. And I didn’t even tell about:
The A.P. student who I had to help address an envelope (She had NO idea where any of the info went.)
How for the second time in four years one of my students had a baby mid-year without me even realizing she was pregnant. (Give me a break. The girl was the size of Manitoba before she got knocked up.)
The student who, after getting arrested and suspended, enacted revenge by lobbing a Molotov cocktails at the cop’s car in the parking lot. I’d love to tell you about the spectacular gas explosion once the glass bottle broke on impact … but the dipshit used a plastic bottle. All that ensued was a little parking lot fire that lasted about 45 seconds.
I taught all seniors this year, so all of the kids in these stories were seniors. They all graduated. Which tells you all you need to no about the expression, “No Child Left Behind.”
Ned Bitters teaches high school and dreams of one day seeing one of his former students on stage at a strip club. You can contact him at email@example.com.