The New Black – Know your Wedding Drunks

Brandi DeLancey

Brandi DeLancey

Here we are in June, the most popular wedding month of the year. Undoubtedly, many of you have either been invited to some sort of wedding festivities or have actually tied the knot yourself in the last few weeks.

So in honor of this, the month of weddings, I’ve put together this partial list of the predictable roles drunk people fall into at wedding receptions:

The Paparazzi

It always seems that at some point during the event, a drunken man or woman finds a camera. I’m not sure who is leaving these things lying around, but inevitably this person takes it upon themselves to photograph the happenings of the wedding reception from their point of view. Of course, their point of view normally includes a handful of people who they will proceed to take about 300 blurry or SUPER close up pictures of. You can generally tell these people apart from the actual wedding photographers because they are the ones striking odd poses as they snap away (or occasionally found in a “crawling through the bush” type crouch). I always wish I was a fly on the wall when the happy couple finally settles in to look at their wedding day photos only to find 500 pictures of the love interest du jour of the drunk person who seized a camera.

Advice Columnists

Minus the column, of course. These people know everything and aren’t afraid to tell you so. They come up to you and advise you on things like your hair cut, your shoes, the date you brought with you, the food that they are eating, the music and the climate of the venue. All things they are getting to experience on the bride and groom’s dime. But I guess for these folks, when they see things that could be improved upon, they just can’t stop themselves from letting anyone in the vicinity know.

The Pimps

You generally see these types just about anywhere you can find drunks, but at weddings everyone is done up and in their Sunday’s Finest, so compliments flow easily. The only problem with this is that once the alcohol is tapped, the lips get looser and the compliments take a turn toward adult content. I have never been hit on more than by middle-aged women at weddings. They have the easy ice breaker, “I love your shoes/dress. I bet you have really good taste in panties.” No wonder they don’t normally invite children to these things!

Dancin’ Queens

Drunk people LOVE to dance at weddings! The less in control of our bodies we become the more the music moves us and the dance floor calls our name. It’s like some magnetic pull that we just cannot deny. Fortunately for the rest of us, it’s built in entertainment! Wedding receptions can be a bit dull. If it weren’t for these troopers getting’ schloshed and cuttin’ it up on the floor, what would we have to do after the cake is cut? Bring on the Electric Slide.

Fountain Crashers

The rage these days are those chocolate and champagne fountains. You grab a wooden skewer and a strawberry and dunk it under the waterfall of chocolate or pick up a champagne flute and gingerly fill your glass in the cascade of some (cheap) champagne. It never fails, you will find one of these belligerent fools face first and neck deep in one of these contraptions. If the party wasn’t over before, it surely is now! I hope they still have some cake left.

The Pukers

Everyone once in a while someone totally misjudges their tolerance and partakes just a bit more than they should have. Maybe the light fare of the evening was to blame, or the lack of access to a glass of ice water … but nonetheless, someone can normally be found in the bathroom in their best duds praying to the porcelain god. Even better, on a rare occasion you can find this girl/guy defacing a vase or trash can right in the middle of the action! Where is the paparazzi when THIS goes down?

Favor Hoarders

At some point over the course of the day/evening, the wedding favors start to look like something of great worth to those who have been partaking in the adult beverages. Maybe they appear to be made of gold and encrusted in diamonds. Maybe they think that Tom & Suzy June 20, 2011 printed on a teal couzie is going to be worth something one day. Whatever the reason, they start to grab every favor from every table and shove them into their pockets, their date’s pockets/purse, down their shirts, etc … and they then revel in their accomplishment. You can tell when the person has reached this level because every person they pass on their way out to their car is asked if they wanna see all the booty collected and if they want some.

Loud/Close Talkers

So the music is loud at weddings and you do have to raise your voice or get closer to have your words heard, but once a person reaches a certain level of inebriation, they start losing their hearing and depth perception. You can pick these people out when the music dies down between songs, because they are the ones still yelling directly into someone’s ear.

The Accident Prone

Inevitably, the party atmosphere is pierced by the sound of a breaking glass. Everyone stops and looks in the direction of the noise and there stands a sloppy looking adult with a stunned smirk on their face. Then, in a moment of pride for being the center of attention, they wave at the masses as if to say, “Yeah, I’m the cool guy who has definitely reached my limit and someone should offer to take me home, post haste.” You know the ones with squinchy eyes and the shit-eatin’ grin. They’ve moved way past the point of blaming someone else for their faux pas and into the realm of not givin’ a shit.

Storytellers

Gotta love the guy pullin’ out all the old stories from the glory days. There is a reason why we leave those things in the past. But this guy or gal (I don’t discriminate here) just can’t leave well enough alone. Somehow the stories get more colorful as the night wears on and by the end, no one has a clue who he is talking about or where they were when whatever it is was going down. No one is safe from the storyteller. If he knows your name, you can best believe there will be some sort of nonsense spoken about you.

Next time you attend the wedding or reception of a close friend or family member, see how many of these you can pick out. It makes a game out of an already amusing afternoon/evening. Have fun, and don’t forget – drink responsibly folks!

Brandi DeLancey lives in North Carolina, where she is taking over the Internets one website at a time.

Comments (1)
  1. Rachelle June 24, 2011

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