A Million Universes – Haters gonna hate

Nicole Alexandria

Nicole Alexandria

Last week I was walking into a Renaissance Fair, and began pretty much immediately making fun of someone. To be fair she was 300 pounds and wearing skin tight green stretch pants that showed every crater along her cellulite-infested thighs and I simply commented on how unflattering it was. The poor person I suckered into going with me commented that I was being judgmental.

So that poses a very important question: if you can’t be judgmental at a Renaissance Fair, just were in hell can you be judgmental this day in age?

The world wasn’t always like this. There were so many great jokes for just about anything because it was much more commonly accepted to be a hater. If you don’t believe me, talk to someone a lot older then you for a while. I had the great experience to work in a nursing home for a while and I know so many offensive jokes that I could probably have done a stand up comedy show, but god forbid that interrupt Bingo. Everyone hated everyone whether it was the Catholics, the Italians, the Irish, the Polish, the drunks, women, people of color or the weird guy down the street, and literally no one was immune. Someone would find some reason to hate you. It was beautiful.

Somewhere along the line people collectively got their panties in a bunch. Okay okay, for many of these groups, there was very good reason. But I can’t be the only one who thinks there are some news stories featuring individuals crying hysterically over how they’ve been wronged simply because people want to be on TV. And there are countless lawsuits currently in the works where the word discrimination is used as a source of a paycheck.

The world has become so politically correct that our entire language of identification is changing with it. Terms like retarded have changed to mentally challenged or delayed. The crazy lady down the street is now known as a hoarder. Your favorite politician isn’t a pervert, but now a sex addict. Pretty soon, the term unemployed will be converted to “those who are involuntarily leisured.” Fat people will now be called “people of mass.” Homeless people will be called “residential flexible” or worse “those who are living rent and mortgage free.”

The problem with the politically correct movement is that it is still within human nature to hate. A great number of human beings just aren’t happy unless we hate someone else because it validates the struggles we face. People used to be able to say to themselves: “Well shit! Life sucks but hey at least I’m not as bad off as the potato eating mick down the street!” The majority of the time ignorance and prejudice isn’t about those who are being discriminated against, but much more an exercise for those who are hating to make an effort in asserting control and an irrational sense of superiority. Hollywood has done a relatively great job of showcasing this syndrome with movies like American History X, and well … every holocaust movie ever created.

But if it is natural to loathe something what in the day and age can a normal person turn?

I’m glad you asked. Fear not faithful readers! Society has adapted and created new targets!

Like Gingers! Everyone loves laughing at a ginger. With the most amazingly coined terms like “Fire Crotch” and “You must be a Weasly” the trend is hilarious to all non ginger folks. And the world doesn’t have to feel bad because it’s common knowledge that gingers have no soul.

And Hipsters! Ahhh the spawn of hippies. They never really had a chance. Without ever learning proper bathing techniques, they feast on bean curd and vegan soy laced with cocaine and hot new DJ remixes to songs you’ve never heard before. Last weekend in Philadelphia there was a great hipster event call the Naked Bike Ride. Every year a group of young chaps and ladies take off all their clothes, cover themselves in body paint and ride around for some cause that gets lost in the ridiculous nature of it all. Pretty much exactly like their parents did at Woodstock. But you know … it’s completely revolutionary and not ironic at all because they have bikes, which is not at all the same exact thing.

Other common things we’re still all allowed to hate are the entire state of New Jersey, celebrities with sex tapes, white guys who think they’re black and poor poor Richard Simmons.

For the first time in memorable history for most living adults, the United States does not have a live target to collectively hate. The Germans obviously had it coming. The Russians are all better known as “sneaky fucking bastards” and not to be trusted as you know well if you watch any movie made prior to 1989, except of course if our target was the Vietnamese. Immediately following the Cold War, we hated Saddam and all that we was doing. Except we won that one a little too quickly and America is left with no real enemy other then minor threats like North Korea.

So how does America react without anyone to hate? Civil political war. The Republicans and the Democrats are bickering like two school children who keep stealing each others lunch money. Instead of working together and hating a common enemy we hate each other and throw tea parties and protests over who is more idiotic. American politics are more ruthless and cutthroat then they’ve been in decades because we’re focused on ourselves for once.

I don’t know about you, but I vote lets take out Canada next. Those maple syrup, moose loving, French wannabe bastards, eh?

Nicole Alexandria is off doing cool things like a boss that you probably never heard of while not giving a single fuck all day every day. You can contact her through Facebook.

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