A Million Universes – The unstoppable Nancy Grace

Nicole Alexandria

Nicole Alexandria

There is a giant miscarriage of justice going on in the television world that is being overlooked. Someone in the media world thought it would be really fucking funny to see a stuck up old cunt try to dance and be sexy on national television.

I am talking about non other the Nancy fucking Grace.

This amazing feat in misunderstood comedy will one day be the story of hit movies starring Adam Sandler or Seth Rogen. I can just picture a group of bored television producers sitting around passing a joint thinking about who would be the most hilarious additions to the most asinine show on a major television network, Dancing with the Stars. The only merit to the show at all is that it keeps the world from an overabundance of D-list celebrity porn by paying them to dance like untrained idiots on national television. The world keeps watching because honestly who doesn’t like a dancing monkey? We love when you fall. We love when you get hurt. The makers keep one or two celebrities that can actually dance into the mix to give it just enough to keep valid, but no one tunes in for them. The world wants to see Kate Gosselin flip her shit. Or Heather Mills kick her prosthetic leg off. Or Cloris or Buzz cut a rug without having a heart attack.

A few years ago I had the pleasure of being on a jury. A “gentleman” was put on trial for stealing the disability paycheck of someone who happened to be an ex-con. The defense attorney was a character out of a movie. He was a tall older African American whose hair was puffed out very noticeably uneven which somehow seemed to match the holes in his orange corduroy blazer. The judge frequently had to correct him on the procedure allowable in the court room and statements he made needed to be stricken from the record countless times. When he got close to the jury box he was literally drooling. Not one of us could look him in the eye.

However, when he questioned witnesses – and specifically the police – he was ruthless. Of course none of the points he made made any sense and he very blatantly made things up to attack the character of the defendant. He accused the defendant of taking a specific prescription illegally, attempting to make the defendant look like a drug addict, without realizing some people on the jury would know that it was a popular over the counter allergy pill. It was a complete mess.

Nancy Grace has made a career of being a bad lawyer, much like the defense attorney I just described, except she gets to do it on national television. She accuses and badgers people on national television to the point a mother of a young child who Nancy interviewed killed herself the next day. Nancy couldn’t even bring herself to fake an apology to the family, but stated it was the guilt of the mother, and not her humiliating an already traumatized mother in front of the entire country. Not only does Nancy consider herself the Judge and Jury, but apparently she’s also the police, attacking whoever she feels fits. In the Elizabeth Smart case, she repeatedly pronounced an innocent man named Richard Ricci and his girlfriend guilty and instead of being humbled by her inaccuracy she states she was justified because Ricci was “suspicious.”

Many of you are reading this and thinking, “Well, she’s a lawyer, and this is just her business.” I’d like to personally kick the balls of whoever decided people were allowed to be douchebags or completely ruin other people’s lives as long as they can hide behind the “It’s just business; it’s not personal” card. So let’s get personal with Nancy Grace. According to her lovely Wikipedia summary, the New York Observer accused her of embellishing and even lying about the murder of her fiance in 1979 to further her career. To quote Keith Olberman in a Rolling Stone interview” “Anybody who would embellish the story of their own fiance’s murder should spend that hour a day not on television but in a psychiatrist’s chair.” The cruel irony of the situation is if anyone but Nancy Grace had embellished or lied about the murder of their fiance, Nancy would be the first to attack and humiliate them. Which might be why websites like Nancy Grace Must Die are in existence.

But fear not dear America! You can now watch this woman shake her ta-ta’s each week. Somewhere along the line, you silly stupid nation, thought Chaz Bono, who looks great and so happy, was much more controversial. But oh, don’t worry, Nancy will not be out shined! No one will out attention whore her! You brought the great nipple slip on yourself. But wait! It gets so much worse. When Cher was doing interviews and not you, Nancy, you did the only thing left you could do. You farted. On national television. Even Kristin Cavallari wouldn’t dare to pull that one off.

Let this be a lesson America. Turn off Dancing With the Stars before things get worse. Why not read a book instead?

Nicole Alexandria is off doing cool things like a boss that you probably never heard of while not giving a single fuck all day every day. You can contact her through Facebook.

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