A Million Universes – The insatiable saggy-balled rock star

Nicole Alexandria

My mom has been trying to get me to watch Gene Simmon’s Family Jewels for a long long time now. Every week it’s on, she talks about it, and honestly it’s not that bad of a show. The kids of a softcore porn star and pervert rock star are pretty awesome. They seem pretty well-rounded and normal, which beats the odds completly. I’m just not all the into their show. One of the first porns I ever watched had Shannon Tweed in it in one of those horrible Skinemax movies at three in the morning. To this day every time I see her I still get the gross, slightly insecure feeling of a young Catholic School girl realizing the world is much larger then the suburban neighborhood I lived in at the time.

This past weekend I was hanging out with my mother gossiping over lunch and she just had to fill me in about all the scandal that I had missed on Gene Simmon’s Family Jewels. In my half paying attention to her interpretation of the most recent episodes, all I heard was wedding, kids, pre-nup and cheating.

And suddenly I was interested and intrigued. In a shocking turn of events, there are still people in this world who will sleep with Gene Simmons. And not just one, but many. I can’t be the only one shocked by this revelation because there are people on the Meghan’s Law website that are less creepy then Gene Simmons.

In addition, Shannon Tweed – who stuck it out with his saggy balls for the long haul – is still pretty smoking hot. Sure she’s got a touch of the plastic surgery face, but I’d kill for her figure and I’m half her age. If her tits are even remotely as perfect as they were in my young impressionable mind, how can you as a man look like your hair is sprayed on from a can and not adore the ground she walks on? Actually since it’s almost Halloween, I came across a sex tape of the Gene and Shannon from 2008, and confirmed for all of us that Shannon still looks great. Gene was only slightly less horrifying then the Human Centipede.

You can sum up the success of Kiss, and Gene Simmon’s sex life to one sentence. “The Seventies were a strange time.” If we’re being honest, he was part of a very mediocre band who were widely successful due to intelligently placed gimmicks and a very long tongue. If you were to mix everything popular at the time – which was disco, porn, punk rock and cocaine – you give birth to the phenomenon that was Kiss. It was the perfect way to cash into everything that was current with one band.

Except the world has clearly moved on. When you look at well known aged rock start play boys, there is a certain level of iconic awe that still draws women in. Mick could probably get laid any night of week just because he’s Mick. (Keith I’m not so sure.) Rod Stewart could still croon the panties off girls half his age. Hell, even hearing Tom Jones belt out “It’s Not Unusual,” I’m sure he can still get a few middle age ladies to scream like school girls. But seriously, does anyone look at the joke that is Gene and think: “Man, I want to Rock and Roll with that guy! And maybe even Party every day”?

Apparently some do.

But hell, even his own long term partner of 28 years was surprised.

Now good old Gene was smarter then most insatiable men in that he played all his cards wisely. Unlike say Tiger Woods, he didn’t pick a girl that comes out looking squeaky clean. Shannon though, while she seems to be fairly normal and a good mother, isn’t a saint. At the very least, when they met she was the subject of many many men and women’s spank bank for very good reason. I’m sure the two of them had some very crazy times back in the day. Further more, until recently, he didn’t marry her. Taking religion and vowing before God out of the equation (because he was known as The Demon after all), he didn’t put his money where his mouth was. He never vowed on half his money to stay faithful to her. If she wanted to change the nature of their relationship, the ultimatum should have come way before now because nothing in this world can really be assumed.

However, there is a very important lesson Gene needs to learn out of all of this, since he still wants to be the big bad rock star. Not one single women has come forward to have admitting to having sex with him. Tiger had dozens of sluts trying to cash in. Charlie Sheen had girls admitting they were prostitutes on national television so they could fame whore it up. You had a wedding on national television and articles written about your scandal in all the tabloids.

All the money in the world you could have offered them doesn’t beat the 15 minutes of fame that would have resulted in selling their story to a trash mag. And still not one single slut would admit to having slept with you. How’s your ego feeling now, Rock Star?

Nicole Alexandria is off doing cool things like a boss that you probably never heard of while not giving a single fuck all day every day. You can contact her through Facebook.