Aaron R. Davis
What a week, huh?
After a couple of months of marriage, the checks all cleared and you decided it was time to call it quits. With the money banked from your big marriage special, you dumped your nondescript, bland husband and then were somehow surprised that the media was so interested in the latest plot development of someone whose entire life is lived before cameras.
I’m sure that really bugs you; people thinking that you only married for a TV show, just because everything else you do is for a TV show. Well, several TV shows. I used to watch them because, I’ll be honest, you and your family are hot, but after E! decided their channel should be Konstant Kardashians, I got incredibly sick of the whole deal. You may have the sexiest ass of any celebutard, but even for someone as shallow as I am, there comes a point when even that ass isn’t worth listening to the dumb shit you say anymore.
Speaking of saying dumb shit, you’ve really been fertilizing the media with stupid this past week. Well, you and your mom, running damage control. I know it seems unfair, but if there’s one thing that makes it sound like you only married for money and a TV special, it’s saying repeatedly that you didn’t only marry for money and a TV special. Your mom is trying to convince us that you didn’t make a dime off of the wedding, which is just getting sad now. Maybe if everyone had protested a little earlier, before the wedding, when every tabloid was saying that you were getting millions in endorsements and television rights, that might have sounded more believable. But since your job and main source of income appears to be starring in a reality show, it’s a little hard to buy it now.
And yes, even if all that money went into the wedding, it’s still profit. You profited off the wedding. And you’ll probably be able to deduct it as a work expense. Who says you’re not smart?
You can cry now about fairy tale weddings and how sad you are that love doesn’t work out — I don’t dispute that you know all about that, since this will be your second divorce — but anyone with a brain knew this was coming. Your family didn’t like him, but that’s just good drama for the cameras. What really sold it to me were the tabloid items, screaming at me in the checkout aisle of the grocery store, about how you were worried that your unemployed husband was freeloading. Honey, there’s an NBA lockout right now; your basketball player husband is essentially barred from working during negotiations. Classy move on your part. As classy as, say, keeping the ring, keeping the wedding gifts and pretending to be offended and astonished when the media doesn’t believe you’re a very private person.
(But seriously, you should probably give the ring back. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure your husband didn’t pay for it, but come on. You were married for two months, and you already banked your profit and the money E! was probably holding back until the TV special aired must have cleared if you announced the divorce already. Give your husband the ring and let him sell it back and make the $2 million it was worth; guy’s on a lockout and could use the cash, and it’s not like you were married for years or even, you know, a year. Also, when talking about not giving the ring back, tell your mom to stop using the term “Indian giver,” especially during Native American Heritage Month.)
Where was I? Oh, right. That’s the thing, Kim. You don’t get to spend years on reality television — with no signs of stopping — and put all of your major life moments on camera, and then decide you don’t want to do it anymore just because you’re embarrassed. A Kardashian with shame? What would that even look like? None of us can imagine.
You made this deal a long time ago to sell your life to E! and you don’t get to just suddenly decide not to play along anymore because you’re upset that the media is asking you questions about why your second marriage failed and whether it had anything to do with the fact that you two seemed like you were only getting married for cash and a big two-part TV special. Sorry, but that’s how your job works, miss.
But my bigger concern is this: stop treating people like no one could be as smart as you and then getting offended when no one believes the lies. I think there are even people out there who would respect you a little more if you just said “I married some nobody for a TV special, made millions, and then dumped him when the checks cleared because it’s good television and there hadn’t been enough drama on our silly little shows recently.”
All of the damage control your mom is doing now just compounds the problem. Because the whole thing is so transparent, it makes your family look like the whores they are. And I mean literal whores, as in people who degrade themselves for money. And if the Kardashians are too obviously whores, people don’t want to watch the wide array of Kardashian programming that your mom keeps making sure to plug while she’s out defending you on the morning shows. No one’s going to want to watch Kendall and Kylie Take Dubai or whatever the hell she’s cooking up now. This one stupid overreach could be the end of the Kardashian Media Empire and your mom is smart enough to see it.
I wonder what you’re doing now that you’re “in hiding.” I wonder how much cash it will take to draw you back out, since I can’t think of much you wouldn’t do for the right amount of money. Are you talking to your mom about how right now, in the time of Occupy Wall Street, it’s probably not a smart business move to get people to feel sorry for you because you make tons of money doing nothing but being pretty? Are you talking about how the sympathy well is running dry for poor little Kim and her millions of dollars? Are you thinking that if Kourtney and Patrick Bateman ever do get married, televising it probably won’t be as lucrative? Or are you just wondering if your family would ever cut you loose to protect their own media deals? I’m sure your mom is thinking hard about whether having you guest star on the Kylie Jenner Sweet 16 birthday special is going to help the ratings or hurt it.
Those are the kinds of questions any business manager is going to face when family becomes business. You were a hot commodity for a few years there, Kim. Now, people are sick of feeling sorry for you and you look like you only care about money. Well, more obviously like you care about money.
Or maybe you can make another sex tape. I know you think you’re a respectable kind of whore now, since you’ve moved up to television, but you can always get back to your roots and people can remember why they fell in love with you in the first place.
Seriously, though, give the ring back.
Aaron R. Davis
Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org