Aaron R. Davis
I know I spend a lot of time on this column bitching about things that annoy me. (I also spend a lot of time doing that in real life; I am seriously unpleasant to be around.) So this week, with Thanksgiving looming on the horizon, I thought I’d take the time out from dodging my mother-in-law’s cooking and putting up the Christmas tree (yes, we’re already doing that) and tell you some of the things I’m thankful for this year. Sincerely.
I’m thankful for my family. As much as I tend to be the cave-dwelling hermit of my clan, I am thankful that they’re here for me. On the phone, generally, but I still love them.
I’m thankful for Jason Segel and his love of Muppets, because there’s finally a new Muppets media blitz and a new movie, and god damn it, life without Muppets is life without joy.
I’m especially thankful that I’m not having Thanksgiving in the Sandusky home this year. That’s got to be awkward.
I’m grateful to 2 Broke Girls for being my weekly Kat Dennings delivery system. I need the perfection that is Kat Dennings in my home every week. I frankly don’t care about quality or anything else. Just as long as Kat Dennings is there, it keeps me happy.
I’m thankful there’s only one Twilight movie left, and then I probably never have to see Robert Pattinson’s scruffy oiliness and demented, cross-eyed, stalkery smile again because, come on, Hollywood, you know he’s not a leading man.
I’m pleased with Netflix. They may have screwed up their business plan royally by conditioning us for years to expect cheap, affordable streaming content and then realizing they couldn’t sustain that model and so presented us with a higher cost for what we were already getting for 60 percent less and acted like they were doing us a favor by charging us more money … but at least they have every Star Trek series for instant streaming. And I’ve been enjoying watching them all. Of course, when I’m finished with them, I might just dump Netflix altogether, since their instant movie collection is mostly crap and so many other studios are making exclusive content deals because they actually think people want to maintain multiple streaming accounts with multiple sites just to watch Grown-Ups more conveniently, but hey, for now, Star Trek. So thank you for that, Netflix.
Also, because of Star Trek, I’m seeing a lot of Jeffrey Combs. How terrific is Jeffrey Combs? I love Jeffrey Combs. Have a great Thanksgiving, Jeff!
I’m grateful for bunnies. Just am. Just love them.
I’m thankful for Herman Cain. I can’t remember the last time I laughed this hard during a presidential election cycle. (Except when having “reasonable conversations” with libertarians, which is kind of like discussing the realism of Star Wars with children.)
I’m indebted to bloggers who put up old issues of comic books so you can read them. Seriously, comic books from the 1970s make today’s comics look like garbage. I would much rather read old issues of OMAC, Black Lightning, Kamandi or Conan the Barbarian than 98 percent of what DC has on offer these days. Those old comics do in four pages what today’s comic book “creatives” do in six issues.
By the way, thank you, Dan DiDio, for making today’s DC Comics such a joyless chore to read. Not only do I not feel compelled to spend money on comics anymore, but I have more time to … well, watch Star Trek and be on the Internet.
I’m much obliged to Scarlett Johansson. Thanks to her, we got a charming reminder that our government considers the sanctity of an actress’s cell phone a bigger priority than jobs or infrastructure or finding missing children. Especially if those children aren’t white. I’m not saying all of that is something good, I’m just saying America needs reminders of what’s broken in order to fix it.
I’m thankful for Occupy Wall Street. It proves that no matter how far gone into selfishness and self-pity we decline, people can still get mad enough about the important things to take a stand.
I’m also thankful that we live in an age where a campus cop in riot gear can have his home address and phone number plastered all over the Internet after he casually runs mace across the faces of peaceful protesters, because fuck that guy.
I’m thankful for all of my online friends, who actually make me feel like I’m an interesting person. It’s not often I feel that way, so I’m truly grateful to all of you. I hope all of you Americans have a lovely and safe Thanksgiving, and the rest of you just have lovely and safe days. Lovely and safe lives, all of you.
And everyone reading this. And everyone out there. If I can turn off the cynicism for a few days, then we all can, right?
Happy Thanksgiving, folks!
Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at email@example.com