A Million Universes – TLC’s virgin sacrifice

Nicole Alexandria

Nicole Alexandria

Like many people who saw the commercial for TLC’s newest controversial subject exploiting venture, The Virgin Diaries, I cringed in disgust and awe. Seeing these two characters kissing in the commercial is the most unsexy train wreck that you can’t take your eyes off. I didn’t know if I should vomit at the thought of the two licking each others mouths on their wedding day or simply laugh. I just knew I wanted to watch more.

I understand the concept of celibacy when your speaking to young children who don’t understand what is going on. Most of the children that will adhere to this will get married young in a fit of hormone overload. I’ve read the Bible and it’s a pretty sleazy book, so I don’t completely understand it. I think I’ve learned more valuable lessons from making regrettable decisions than I would have if I suppressed myself entirely. Namely, I now wouldn’t kiss my partner on my wedding day and have my guests question if I was special.

But when you reach the age of 30 and still a virgin? Wow, where did life go so wrong? Where you kicked out of the seminary? Oh, I wished Billy the Poet would have come to save these poor souls years ago.

(I’ll be honest. I was drunk when I read Welcome to the Monkey House. I have a habit of reading while drinking. But sober or not, Vonnegut is the only writer I can think of who could make the concept of rape make sense as a means to overcome political suppression by imposing morality on a skewed idea for the greater good. If you disagree with me shut up. I was drunk. And Vonnegut was great.)

Going into the show, I know TLC has a habit of taking controversial subjects and making them appear completely normal. They revolutionized polygamy by showcasing a family that for the most part seemed well-rounded and well-adjusted. They take tattoo artists and their shops and portray the issues any small business might have. Though it’s about 10 years overdo they take Muslim Americans and show how ordinary they actually are. They even managed to that the ever-controversial gypsies and make them appear to be a poor and disadvantaged minority group being driven out of their slum homes without bothering to ask them how they could pay for ridiculous over-the-top weddings. For the most part, I have to commend TLC in its attempt to not overly beguile their stars, but like any ratings-driven station, they allow the stars to exploit themselves. Which is how Toddlers and Tiaras and Kate post tit job came about.

I really wanted this show to be just as bad as it looked though. As I tuned in, I was hoping it was everything I imagined with overly anal (no pun intended) sexually repressed women or closeted gay men who suppress their homosexuality because of religious concerns. Or nerds. Lots and Lots of nerds. The real kind and not the hot hipsters trying to ironic kind. The kind the guys on The Big Bang Theory would be like in real life if they weren’t on an Emmy and Golden Globe award-winning show.

I was not disappointed.

The two main characters – who were waiting until their wedding day to kiss – shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce. Their own parents were laughing at them. Within the first ten minutes, the a 35-year-old male character’s mom stated: “You don’t have to tell all your secrets,” when he stated he didn’t want to tell anyone his first time was with a prostitute. Three spinster roommates, who are undoubtedly keeping each other single just so they don’t have to feel bad about themselves, greet the one girl’s date at the door with the biggest display of desperation I’ve ever seen. She ruins it even further herself by asking him how quickly he wants to get married just before laying the V card on him on a first date.

What the show lacks however is any sort of psychological reasoning as to why some of them stopped wanting to be sexually active. The male character says several times he hasn’t had a date in seven or eight years. His date was less of a train wreck than the previously shown female virgin’s. He even said that he realizes he needs exercise and lost 17 pounds in less then two months, which further suggest there might have been a psychological trigger which held up his dating life for eight years. As a viewer, you’re rooting for him. He eased his date into the topic by stating he wasn’t very experienced before letting her guess for herself without bombarding. Now if he would just stop going to his mother for sex advice.

And then there was a wedding! You could literally see the regret in his face! He reacted the way a man would if an octopus in a white dress suddenly started suctioning to your mouth. Even before the wedding, he said (not at all in these words): “Sigh. I guess I’m really going to have to fuck her now.” He did go as far stating he would rather sleep on his wedding night because he was exhausted. The guests at their wedding took turns telling the camera that they didn’t think they would actually go through with it.

Then there was a miracle! The spinsters met boys! Who were actually cute! And all three of them are virgins! And then the 35-year-old male virgin met the joys of drunk girls who like to smile pretty and whore it up for the camera! Because all you really have to do to get laid is have your own TV show.

The show wrapped up perfectly with the spinsters sitting on the couch together while holding a cat. And the married couple talking about how it isn’t like how it is in the movies, before licking each others faces.

If I ever had a moment of self doubt or low self esteem, it is completely gone at this point. I have never been more self assured that I was a catch. Thanks TLC!

Nicole Alexandria is off doing cool things like a boss that you probably never heard of while not giving a single fuck all day every day. You can contact her through Facebook.

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