A Million Universes – TLC’s virgin sacrifice
Nicole Alexandria |
Like many people who saw the commercial for TLC’s newest controversial subject exploiting venture, The Virgin Diaries, I cringed in disgust and awe. Seeing these two characters kissing in the commercial is the most unsexy train wreck that you can’t take your eyes off. I didn’t know if I should vomit at the thought of the two licking each others mouths on their wedding day or simply laugh. I just knew I wanted to watch more.
I understand the concept of celibacy when your speaking to young children who don’t understand what is going on. Most of the children that will adhere to this will get married young in a fit of hormone overload. I’ve read the Bible and it’s a pretty sleazy book, so I don’t completely understand it. I think I’ve learned more valuable lessons from making regrettable decisions than I would have if I suppressed myself entirely. Namely, I now wouldn’t kiss my partner on my wedding day and have my guests question if I was special.
But when you reach the age of 30 and still a virgin? Wow, where did life go so wrong? Where you kicked out of the seminary? Oh, I wished Billy the Poet would have come to save these poor souls years ago.
(I’ll be honest. I was drunk when I read Welcome to the Monkey House. I have a habit of reading while drinking. But sober or not, Vonnegut is the only writer I can think of who could make the concept of rape make sense as a means to overcome political suppression by imposing morality on a skewed idea for the greater good. If you disagree with me shut up. I was drunk. And Vonnegut was great.)
Going into the show, I know TLC has a habit of taking controversial subjects and making them appear completely normal. They revolutionized polygamy by showcasing a family that for the most part seemed well-rounded and well-adjusted. They take tattoo artists and their shops and portray the issues any small business might have. Though it’s about 10 years overdo they take Muslim Americans and show how ordinary they actually are. They even managed to that the ever-controversial gypsies and make them appear to be a poor and disadvantaged minority group being driven out of their slum homes without bothering to ask them how they could pay for ridiculous over-the-top weddings. For the most part, I have to commend TLC in its attempt to not overly beguile their stars, but like any ratings-driven station, they allow the stars to exploit themselves. Which is how Toddlers and Tiaras and Kate post tit job came about.
I really wanted this show to be just as bad as it looked though. As I tuned in, I was hoping it was everything I imagined with overly anal (no pun intended) sexually repressed women or closeted gay men who suppress their homosexuality because of religious concerns. Or nerds. Lots and Lots of nerds. The real kind and not the hot hipsters trying to ironic kind. The kind the guys on The Big Bang Theory would be like in real life if they weren’t on an Emmy and Golden Globe award-winning show.
I was not disappointed.
The two main characters – who were waiting until their wedding day to kiss – shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce. Their own parents were laughing at them. Within the first ten minutes, the a 35-year-old male character’s mom stated: “You don’t have to tell all your secrets,” when he stated he didn’t want to tell anyone his first time was with a prostitute. Three spinster roommates, who are undoubtedly keeping each other single just so they don’t have to feel bad about themselves, greet the one girl’s date at the door with the biggest display of desperation I’ve ever seen. She ruins it even further herself by asking him how quickly he wants to get married just before laying the V card on him on a first date.
What the show lacks however is any sort of psychological reasoning as to why some of them stopped wanting to be sexually active. The male character says several times he hasn’t had a date in seven or eight years. His date was less of a train wreck than the previously shown female virgin’s. He even said that he realizes he needs exercise and lost 17 pounds in less then two months, which further suggest there might have been a psychological trigger which held up his dating life for eight years. As a viewer, you’re rooting for him. He eased his date into the topic by stating he wasn’t very experienced before letting her guess for herself without bombarding. Now if he would just stop going to his mother for sex advice.
And then there was a wedding! You could literally see the regret in his face! He reacted the way a man would if an octopus in a white dress suddenly started suctioning to your mouth. Even before the wedding, he said (not at all in these words): “Sigh. I guess I’m really going to have to fuck her now.” He did go as far stating he would rather sleep on his wedding night because he was exhausted. The guests at their wedding took turns telling the camera that they didn’t think they would actually go through with it.
Then there was a miracle! The spinsters met boys! Who were actually cute! And all three of them are virgins! And then the 35-year-old male virgin met the joys of drunk girls who like to smile pretty and whore it up for the camera! Because all you really have to do to get laid is have your own TV show.
The show wrapped up perfectly with the spinsters sitting on the couch together while holding a cat. And the married couple talking about how it isn’t like how it is in the movies, before licking each others faces.
If I ever had a moment of self doubt or low self esteem, it is completely gone at this point. I have never been more self assured that I was a catch. Thanks TLC!
Nicole Alexandria is off doing cool things like a boss that you probably never heard of while not giving a single fuck all day every day. You can contact her through Facebook.
thank goodness we’re friends. i think you need your own tv show just to make fun of shit like this. id get cable just to watch it.
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That’s actually not the first time someone’s suggested that. When i was a teenager my friends used to say my family needed a reality tv show because we were funnier then the Osbourne’s. I am the least funny person in my household, and I’m pretty fucking funny soo…
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“But when you reach the age of 30 and still a virgin? Wow, where did life go so wrong? Where you kicked out of the seminary?”
So I suppose all those countless billions of people all over the world and through-out human history who didn’t screw around before marriage or who stayed single all their lives, were all crazy, stupid or disturbed, unlike you Miss Gangbang, huh?
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whoa whoa there buddy. im fairly certain she never said anything about gangbangs. thats really something you only do after marriage.
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What’s unique about this show is that they didn’t want to be virgins with the exception of the newly wedded couple. And even she wanted to be kissing. It’s not hard to get laid and when your 35 and actively saying you didn’t intend to stay a virgin where did it go wrong? Insulting me because I’m right means its been a while huh? I know three spinsters you can talk to.
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“And even she wanted to be kissing. It’s not hard to get laid”
Ofcourse, in a world filled with people like you.
Besides, you haven’t even answered my point.
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“Insulting me because I’m right means its been a while huh? I know three spinsters you can talk to.”
Let me guess, you’re 12 years old, right? Atleast that’s what I guess from your attempt at insults, as well as you stalking me on the other posts I made.
And likely, being 12, you’ll run to the webmaster to block my ip because “that mean man wrote some mean things to me *sniff* *sniff*”.
You’re the reason why the “token female” ruins everything.
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No. I told the webmaster that if he didn’t like what I write to fire me. I could care less what you post. I actually prefer comments. but calling someone miss gangbang and then calling her twelve when she comments back is hypocritical. Its men who automatically assume women are slits if they talk about sex that give men a bad name. I suppose I should get back in the kitchen too right?
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Also, to addres your point-
If I was the only one who thought 35 yo virgins were weird and uncommon, they wouldn’t have their own television show. They wouldn’t need one. They would be normal. When you have a show in which you’re own wedding guest are making fun of you, when your own mother on national television recommends you get a prostitute and keep it secret, I would suspect I’m not the one whose incorrect here.
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I called you miss gangbang because you insult those who try to live clean moral lives. Besides, you shouold be proud of the label given that it means you can “get plenty” unlike those fools on that show.
And yes, 12 is an accurate description of your mental age given your childish attempt at insulting me.
As for the fac tthat the country ifs filled with people like you doesn’t mean anything, nor should you be all that proud of the fact that you share the same world-view as some idiots on a reality show.
Finally, no, you shouldn’t get back to the kitchen since I doubt you even know how to cook. I only feel bad for the idiot you’ll trick into marriage (and later divorce).
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I do know how to cook actually. But hey if you’ve been reading the site, there was even a porn star who offered recipes a month or so ago.
Because I chose not to wait until marriage doesn’t mean I’m a “gang banger.” It doesn’t even mean I would be a whore. Honestly if you’re going to claim I’m 12, you should really take a look at yourself. At least I’m not a hypocrite. Your insults aren’t any more mature.
But since you continue to attempt to insult me, if and when I do decide to get married at least my husband will get a decent blow job. Virgins tend to be all teeth.
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Also, I think the fact that I share the same world view as people actually depicted on the television show does mean something. And the actual virgins on the show who state they didn’t intend to remain a virgin as long as they did further warrants my statements. The characters themselves think they are weird. What other type of justification is there needed?
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Again, you shouldn’t take offence at “miss gangbanger”, but rather should be proud of it, since (I repeat) it is opposed to those so-called losers on tv.
And the very fact that you consider anything on reality tv meaningful says much about your moral and mental state.
Finally, a good blow job is no substitute for a good wife, something you’ll never be. Good luck with that third husband, though!
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I’m not really sure how anyone of any sort of intelligence can take what I wrote seriously or think I in anyway take reality television seriously. It’s clearly over your head.
I’d love to meet your wife. Maybe I can give her a few lessons to help loosen that bug up your ass.
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Oh and about that “Bible” dig from a bit ago.
I never read the Bible, as one needn’t be a Christian or even very religious to have an ethical compass.
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No you’re right. I would actually guess Muslim at this point.
On the same token using your own words one neednt be a virgin or a virgin prior to marriage to have an ethical compass.
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“I’m not really sure how anyone of any sort of intelligence can take what I wrote seriously or think I in anyway take reality television seriously. ”
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“Also, I think the fact that I share the same world view as people actually depicted on the television show does mean something”
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“On the same token using your own words one neednt be a virgin or a virgin prior to marriage to have an ethical compass.”
No, but one can respect those who do, instead of belittling them for trying to be cleaner than you and your kind.
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They don’t contradict each other. Your point is invalid. I share the same views as the parents and friends and actual virgins. I mocked a show that mocked itself.
Me and my kind is millions of people. Since this is a website that often has porn stars interviewed, maybe this isn’t the right site for you. Maybe try something a little more Pg. Something where the “females” aren’t so uppity.
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BTW I talked to the webmaster. I’m not fired. Apprently most people don’t mind “one of those female howling monkeys.”
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“They don’t contradict each other. Your point is invalid. I share the same views as the parents and friends and actual virgins. I mocked a show that mocked itself.”
That’s because you need a reasonable amount of intelligence and integrity to see a contradiction.
If you don’t take reality shows seriously, then you agreeing with the idiots on it shouldn’t “mean something”, understand now miss?
And ofcourse you’re not fired. They need a token female otherwise broads like you would whine over “sexism” and “no female points of views”.
Lord knows it has nothing to do with any writing ability or talent or humor, as you lack all.
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“Something where the “females” aren’t so uppity.”
I don’t mind “uppity females”, just talentless morally bankrupt ones.
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I assure you the webmaster doesn’t care about having a token female around. This is not that kind of site. My articles bring in readers. Even if the webmaster cared, there are plenty of women writers and I could very easily be replaced.
As I’ve previously stated and you continue to ignore, this website frequently interview PORN STARS. In fact it interviewed one of Charlie sheens porn stars. If you’re looking for a great moral compass, this isn’t it sweetie. With or without me.
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Plus if you judge a woman as morally bankrupt simply because she isn’t a virgin and unmarried, is half anything written anywhere not morally corrupt? Do you not enjoy a Picasso painting because he was a drunk who slept around? How about a Hemingway novel? Or is it different because they are men? How about anything written by a gay man? Or is that morally corrupt too?
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“As I’ve previously stated and you continue to ignore, this website frequently interview PORN STARS. In fact it interviewed one of Charlie sheens porn stars. If you’re looking for a great moral compass, this isn’t it sweetie. With or without me.”
I haven’t ignored anything, it’s just that you drivel out so much stupidity it’s hard for me to answer everyone otherwise I’d need to write a whole book.
So what if the site interviews porn stars? It’s not the site’s main points, and I don’t read such posts.
The main point which a simian like you can’t understand is that when you insult people for being cleaner than you, then don’t be surprised and cry over being called out on it.
You want I should stop visiting the site, fine (though I’m not sure the hell you are to tell me that), I wouldn’t want to get the site’s owners in trouble by having you sue them for “sexism” because they failed to protect your tender eyes from reading things that didn’t entirely agree with you.
But I repeat, if you’re going to insult people for having that strange mysterious thing called “morals” that you don’t understand, then don’t howl and throw banana peals because someone called you out on it. Don’t attack others for trying to be better than you, capiche?
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Sure whatever gets you to stop reading the site. BTW how could you even watch the muppet movie? Amy Adams has a baby out of wedlock. Neil Patrick Harris is gay. And Joel segal not only shows his penis often he’s know to have slept with lindsey lohan. Man not even the muppet movie could meet you cleanliness standards.
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“Sure whatever gets you to stop reading the site”
Yup, drive whatever traffic the website gets. SURELY they have made a wise decision hiring you!
And I haven’t watched the Muppets movie, Curious Georgina, whatever gave you that thought?
I’ll repeat for the final time in the hopes that in the last few minutes you’ve evolved a brain: I don’t care what you do and how you live, but you decided to insult people for living in a (moral) manner in which 90% of humans lived through-out human history, including likely the majority to this day.
But like a child you can’t understand when you insult people, and complain when it happens to you.
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“Don’t attack others for trying to be better then you.” The vast majority of people wouldn’t think a 35 year old virgin is better then me. Being honest about it doesn’t make me stupid. Not being a virgin doesn’t make me a gangbanger. It doesn’t even mean I’m currently sexually active. It does not mean I’ve ever even been sexually active without being in a committed relationship. Defending myself when you personally insult me isn’t howling like a monkey. And calling me the token female writer whose only here as to not have women scream sexism is insulting to not only me, but to the webmaster who keeps me around, and to women in general who don’t feel the need to be a token.
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Are you a virgin BTW? How old are you?
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“The vast majority of people wouldn’t think a 35 year old virgin is better then me.”
Yes they would, because there is no age limit on morals and living right.
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“Being honest about it doesn’t make me stupid.”
When you insult others for trying to live better lives, yes it does.
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“Not being a virgin doesn’t make me a gangbanger. It doesn’t even mean I’m currently sexually active. It does not mean I’ve ever even been sexually active without being in a committed relationship.”
It does when you go out of your way to insult those who choose not to go your path. If staying a virgin is wrong, then surely being in a gangbang is double-plus good, no?
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“Defending myself when you personally insult me isn’t howling like a monkey.”
Only after you insulted most people through-out history.
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“And calling me the token female writer whose only here as to not have women scream sexism is insulting to not only me, but to the webmaster who keeps me around, and to women in general who don’t feel the need to be a token.”
No, it’s the truth, because neither your level of writing, nor its intelligence or humor come anywhere near those of the other (male) writers.
Therefore, why would they hire you then of not to be a token?
Yes, there are many great female writers on predominantly-male websites, but you’re not one of them.
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Oh, and it’s hard to be a virgin when you’ve been married.
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Look, I’m sorry for insulting you as I don’t like to insult or hurt people.
You have your way and that is fine, just try not to insult those who choose to live in what they see as a better way.
Be at peace young jedi.
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I accept you apology. I can and will do anything I want. Considering the webmaster proofread the story I wrote and all the stories I write before publishing them, if at any point my writing wasn’t up to par or didn’t reflect the views of the site he doesn’t have to publish them. Please feel free to find another website.
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Please forward any further insults or complaints to the webmaster himself. When you choose not to read articles about porn stars written by male writers and then claim they are better because they don’t insult you because you choose not to read them, you come across as a hypocrite. I’m going to eat breakfast and fortify myself for another day of ruining all moral society and I’m simply exhausted from all those gangbangs to care about this anymore.
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Look, I only “apologized” to just your whining and maybe make you see reason, but it’s quite obvious that you really are just a dumb monkey who seems to think that she’s right.
Well you’re not, you’re still a degenerate moron who ridicules the morals or the majority of humans beings through-out history, then turns around and, like a spoilt brat, cries at being insulted.
And the fact that the site’s owner accepts your scribblings means nothing. He no doubt lowers his standards when accepting something from you, much as an adult human does when looking at finger paintings by an orangutan.
It’s people like you that make the world a much worse place. A coward, a hypocrite, and a low-life degenerate determined to drag everyone down to her amoeba level.
I really do feel bad, not only for your future husband/suicide victim, but for your parents and anyone who has the mis-fortune to know you.
I’ve been visiting this site for about a year now and I seem to be one of the maybe less than a dozen who ever posts comments, which shows the level of traffic this site gets, yet here you are Token Simian driving away whatever few they get. Well I hope you keep driving away more of the visitors from the site, so that the owners can feel proud of accepting a talentless Affirmative Action Ass to write for them.
p.s. Please consider spaying yourself for the good of the planet and monkey-kind.
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You really have no idea how stupid you sound do you? Again, please feel free to forward all complaints and insults to the webmaster. I’ll be too busy conceiving the anti Christ in one of my many gangbangs.
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Oh, and the great webmaster, let’s just call him Joel at this point, had a very capable token female writer on staff. One whom he could have very easily kept. But the fact that he chose to replace her with me because he felt me and my writing style was more cohesive with the site, pretty much sums it all up. There are very many female writers who could write about shopping, or how they long for a husband to service. He likes my stuff best. If you disagree fell free to message him directly. I’m sure he can very easily replace me with any of them. I’m going to go suck a few dicks to start my day. Maybe after lunch, I’ll seduce and violate 3 or 4 married men into adultery! Busy day! I hope my vagina isn’t too stretched out for my gangbang later tonight!
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dibs on next gangbang
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I’m sorry the next gangbang is reserved for deflowering virgins only. Preferably 35 yo female ones. Because nothing say moral decay like a lesbian pre-marriage defiling orgy!
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Stop it!
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Having actually seen the show, this write up is pretty great. I don’t normally post, but I just wanted you to know Dar doesn’t speak for all your readers. Keep up the good work!
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Huh? What?
What is it girl?
Tarzan feel into the well?
You want a termite-covered banana?
Good monkey, good monkey.
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Haha Joel and I had a bet going to see if you’d call me a monkey again. You just look retarded now who harrasses women. How about being a man and actually putting in a complaint?
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Nix :
I’m sure you have like two seasons of Babylon Five and a whole bag of M&M’s you should be taking on rather than posting some 20+ messages about how you’re great. So I would suggest you hurry off before your guild friends come over for your D&D session!
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Actually I take that back Nix the message was intended for Mr White Knight Dar.. What a fool!
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It’s not my problem you’re a glutton for torture.
You keep asking me to come back to the site to respond. I’ve already removed the site from my bookmarks (that leaves what? 9 visitors left?), yet you keep posting things to me.
As for being a monkey, I was only being kind, as slimy disease-ridden maggot might make you cry like the cunt you are.
Anyway, have fun you and the manginas who run the website, plus all 9 of your remaining visitors.
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Came for the bleating of the basement virgin. Wasn’t disappointed.
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