A Million Universes – Should old acquaintance be forgot?

Nicole Alexandria

Nicole Alexandria

While looking back and reflecting, you have to admit 2011 wasn’t a stellar year. The mediocrity was a little overwhelming. But fear not, dear readers! 2012 is going to be a great year. When I say great year, it might actually be the best year ever. So much so that if the world does actually end this coming year, I think we’ll all be okay with it.

When recapping the highlights of 2011, many will agree there was great disappointment. The number one grossing movie of 2011 was the end of a much-beloved series, The Great Harry Potter. Like millions of other viewers, I flocked like a lemming opening weekend. This was it. It was the end of an era, and quite possibly the last time American’s cared to see a movie that employed that many English actors. I bought my popcorn and braced myself for a war like no other I’ve ever seen. When I left the theater, I turned to my movie-going partners and said, “I know I was supposed to love that, but did anyone else feel like they cheaped out?” The movie should have been overwhelming with magic. We have the technology. The previous movies made more than enough money to justify the costs. Instead we were given a diluted fight between a boy and a snake man flying through the air. There was more magic and excitement in the scenes of a quidditch match in previous movies. The great buildup of a series of movies puttered out instead of going down in a flame of glory.

In a particularly mediocre year for movies, I feel the need to mention the number two grossing movie of 2011 – Transformers 3. Trans-fucking-formers 3. A movie so bad, the token hot chick from the previous two movies compared the director to Hitler so she wouldn’t be contractually-obliged to appear in it.

No list of mediocrity would be complete without mentioning Two and a Half Men. Two and a Half Men could quite possibly be the worst scripted sitcom on television currently and yet remains top of the charts. Every time I watch the show all I want in the entire world is for Molly Ringwald to show up and Jon Cryer to lip synch and dance his little heart out to Otis Redding’s “Try a Little Tenderness.” I would tune in every week. Instead, while half the country is poor and struggling, we get to watch Jon whine about having to live on a chiropractors salary. But oh no! It gets better. Not only do we get to watch him complain about a career in which the national average salary is $130,323, we get to watch his opulent brother spend on his money on hookers and booze. When given an opportunity to redux and maybe add a little heart post-Charlie Sheen departure, the network replaced the brother character with a younger, more attractive version, who is just as vapid. But each and every week America tunes in. Because what else is there to watch on a Monday night? While better scripted shows like Community go on hiatus, we get nine seasons of shit and counting.

(The music industry as a whole has been struggling immensely, and as someone who has admittedly been one to pirate, I will take a moment to commend the music industry and America as a whole. Adele had the highest-grossing album of 2011. With so much horrible bubble gum pop music, or over-synthesized vocals, the nation chose wisely. Adele has soul, depth and character and deserves success.)

Alas! I bring you the Top Four Reasons 2012 is going to right every wrong of 2011:

1) Mad Men is coming back after skipping an entire year.

Mad Men is everything I have ever wanted in a show. It’s well written, well acted and well cast. Don Draper is the most lovable bastard of a vulnerable asshole ever depicted on any television show and Jon Hamm fits the role perfectly. The characters drink, smoke and cheat, but you get to feel their struggle. You get to feel the pain of divorce, the cutthroat of business and the effects of addictions. You get seduced by Don’s intensity, but you want to slap him across the face for Betty. And most importantly Christina Hendrick’s boobs will be back.

2) The Amazing Spider-man will be released Forth of July Weekend.

You should be excited if for no other reason, Hollywood gets to correct the great travesty that is casting Kirsten Dunst as Mary Jane. Kirsten is an accomplished actress in her own right and does amazing work when she sticks to her niche in independent strong female lead roles. She isn’t a comic book character. Does it make any sense to anyone that Toby Maguire would pine for and swing from buildings for her? You’re goddamn right it doesn’t. Emma Stone has carved out a spot in fanboy glory with roles in Zombieland and Superbad that transitions perfectly into a coveted super hero role of Gwen Stacy. My only question is who are they going to possibly cast in the impending sequels to be Mary Jane that would be any real competition for her?

3) The End of the Christopher Nolan Batman Trilogy will be release three weeks later.

Christopher Nolan redefined a genre. The Dark Knight is the greatest comic book movie ever released. If you think otherwise, you would be wrong. So much so that I would even go as far as saying that he made one of the best movies ever released, comic book or no. Nolan took a beloved villain that had been previously done by a beloved director (Tim Burton) and was played by a beloved actor (Jack Nicholson) and he won the man an Oscar. The world can only wait and anticipate for what comes next.

4) As if 2012 wasn’t the best year already, Peter Jackson blesses us all with The Hobbit just before Christmas.

Take everything that was great about the Lord of the Rings.

And add a dragon. That’s right. A motherfucking dragon.

Alcoholics, and Superheros, and Hobbits! Oh My! Now if we could all just get those jetpacks …

Nicole Alexandria is off doing cool things like a boss that you probably never heard of while not giving a single fuck all day every day. You can contact her through Facebook.

Comments (1)
  1. Steve L. December 19, 2011

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *