A Million Universes – Getting off topic

Nicole Alexandria 

Nicole Alexandria

If the old saying “If March comes in like a Lion, it’ll go out like a Lamb” is true, the end of March will be extremely fluffy and lovable. The beginning of March was like being bitten on the ass by the angry ghost of Mufasa. When attempting to explore potential topics to address in depth, I had to resist an overwhelming urge to send the editor a picture of myself with my arms crossed over my chest and a pout on my face with the caption “I don’t wanna. Write your own damn column.”

The world is really just disturbingly stupid right now.

I have tried, very unsuccessfully, to write extensively on six different relevant issues today. Each time I became distracted with far more awesome things.

Take for example, the groundbreaking and urgent news that interrupted local television stations from their regularly scheduled programs to notify the world that Snooki is spawning. You read that correctly. The Jersey Shore crew, who make a living fucking around and drinking, are reproducing. God help us all. Personally I don’t think there is any merit to the notion that you have to be smart or even of normal functioning human IQ levels to be a good mother. Love and devotion aren’t measured in how well you score on a test or how many words you can read. I can’t help but wonder though if MTV executives concocted this as a new tool to further prevent the need to show actual music. I’m starting to wonder if the M in MTV now stands for “Moron” instead of “Music.” If she chooses to cash in and televise her pregnancy and venture into motherhood, it is just way too convenient of a method to combine Jersey Shore with MTV’s other current cash cow: 16 and Pregnant.

So instead of writing about Snooki and researching the effects of fetal alcohol syndrome, I grew sad that Snooki probably gets laid more than I do. I read LOL cats for an hour instead.

In a second attempt, I began speculating at just what deviant sexual acts Lindsey Lohan’s parents had to do to Satan’s penis to make her still relevant. Are you kidding me? How in in all honest truth did she get to host Saturday Night Live? Everyone keeps telling me how once upon a time she had potential to be a really great actress and everyone is stupid. Had she played a mentally challenged youth or a young Helen Keller, I would give her a break, but Mean Girls was only great because of two things: Tina Fey’s writing and Lindsey Lohan’s awesome tits.

I got through ten minutes of this weekend’s Saturday Night Live before becoming convinced that those who are unholy succeed in life and then went to the racetrack. I lost. My soul might not be corrupt enough.

After that I decided to explore the great world of politics. With the upcoming election, there has to be great topics to inspect and discuss right? Oh how wrong I was. Apparently, certain people in the Republican Party such as Rush Limbaugh want the American people to sign a morality clause at birth. Unless you live a holier than thou rich lifestyle following their skewed interpretation of what it’s like to be underprivileged, you’re voice doesn’t matter. You’re lazy. If you want birth control for any reason say like – oh, I don’t know – you have Endometriosis, which requires birth control to regulate crippling horrible pain in your uterus, you’re a slut. Apparently it is okay victimize women who choose to have an abortion, which could very well be in result of rape or incest, to be further violated by terribly invasive intrauterine ultrasounds.

I became sad every time I began writing, so I started pinning on my Pinterest wall for three hours instead. In desperate need of comfort, I baked a chocolate cake and took a nap.

How about D-List celebrities! Their attention-seeking antics are always a good laugh. Instead of making a porn or going on Dancing with the Stars, Kirk Cameron hopes to regain his 1980’s fame by judging others! I don’t care if you’re Christian, Muslim, Scientologist or worship the Great Almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster, anytime you take fundamental principles from a religion, you’re argument becomes invalid. The Old Testament Bible is a great example. In the Old Testament Bible, it was common practice for husbands to take concubines if their wives don’t become pregnant at first try. Is this a better example of marriage than gay marriage? Last time I checked, Jesus hung out with prostitutes, the homeless, the sick and the criminals under the great concept of loving everyone as you would want to be loved yourself. Until I see good old Mike Seaver hanging out down on Sunset Boulevard with Mary Magdalene, maybe he should stop throwing stones and worry about his own life.

After a few minutes of reading his inane comments, I needed to take a break and regain my brain cells reading The Origin of Species.

Science! Yes! Science never ceases to be awesome! It’s the perfect topic to explore for column potential.

An asteroid the size of two football fields is headed our way.

Fuck it. I’m going out for a drink.

Nicole Alexandria is off doing cool things like a boss that you probably never heard of while not giving a single fuck all day every day. You can contact her through Facebook.

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