I Never Had to Write “Too Wordy” on Any of This Kid’s Essays
We were watching The Kite Runner when one kid wondered aloud why the hot Afghani-American chick would be so “pressed” about a guy who writes for a living. Tino, doing his best Roger Ebert, summed up her motivation thusly: “Dude, he’s a poet … and bitches love words.”
I asked this same kid, a terrific soccer player and all-around athlete, why he chose tennis over lacrosse, the sport which would seem to be more suited to his exceptional athleticism. His not-quite-ready-for-ESPN-response? “Duh. ‘Cause tennis is a co-ed sport, and I like vagina.” Advantage, Tino.
As Judges Smailes So Wisely Put It in Caddyshack, “The World Needs Ditch-diggers, too!”
I saw one of my students coming out of the library after completing the ASVAB, a test that predicts whether a kid has a shot at making it in the military. It’s no piece of cake, but any kid with a solid grasp of standard communication skills can ace it.
This girl, however, when it comes to the English language, has sub-standard skills.
I asked her with great enthusiasm, “Hey, Jaz! You going into the military?” She replied with much less enthusiasm, “Well, I wuz. But I don’t know now … they was askin’ questions about ‘godges’ and shit like that. I don’t know what no ‘godge’ is. Looks like Job Corps for me!”
Do you know what a ‘godge” is? Neither do I. But I do know what a “gauge” is, which is what this senior was referring to. I guess she won’t be reading any gauges or godges on a nuclear submarine.
There Are No Stupid Questions? Bullshit.
Kid reached into the tissue box on my desk, stopped in a panic and asked, “Are these clean?” Instead of just nodding, I figured I’d make him pay for such a stupid question. I said, “No! If there’s not too much snot on the used ones, I just fold them up and neatly tuck them back in there.” Note to self: If this kid believes in the concept of recycled tissues, never use the toilet paper at his house.
My Lunch Went Uneaten That Day
After being absent for a week, one of my senior females came up to me at my door and explained why she had been out. The excerpts from this conversation are below, and they are verbatim, for I jotted them down as soon as I was able to pry myself away from The Most Disgusting Sharing Session Ever.
“I thought I was getting my period because my panties were all bloody … I was like ‘What the fuck?”… I had really bad hemorrhoids … It looked like my intestines were coming out my ass … It looked like I was shitting out my own intestines … You don’t know true humiliation until a doctor is sticking his finger in your butthole with your mom in the room … I had to stick those, uh, what are the called … depositories? … up my ass … part of the problem is that I get constipated and can’t poop for two days.”
Anyone still want to begrudge a teacher his summer vacation? I’m using mine for post-traumatic image therapy.
Is This English Class or a Remaking of Caligula?
I overheard a black girl complain to her friend, “You know how ashy these things get!” I’m thinking she is referring to her arms, her legs, her hands … Nope. I look over and she has her hand shoved down her shirt, applying lotion to those ample, apparently ashy tits. This girl is built like Beyonce. I wanted to tell her that there ain’t a guy in the world who would be put off by any ash on those tits. But with my pension getting closer every year, I declined.
In another class, I heard a girl complain, “I can’t find my hole!” I looked up in alarm and met her eye to eye. I gave her a look of mock alarm. After she was finished laughing, she said, “No, I mean for my tongue ring!”
Oh, I knew she knew where the other hole was. She has one kid already and another on the way.
I Guess Grandma Can’t Wait for Adam Sandler In the Sidesplitting “Oh, That Wacky Sandusky!”
A girl in the small, special class was telling us about one of her more traumatic life experiences. “I was looking in this drawer and I found a picture of my dad naked and he was holding his thing and it was all hard.”
I asked, “What did you do?”
She said, quite sanely, “I cried! Then I showed it to my grandmother.”
Me: “Oh my god, and what did she do?”
Girl: “That crazy bitch just laughed! She thought it was hilarious.”
I Overheard the Following Random Lines While Standing Outside My Door Between Classes This Year
“I wish my dick was smaller.”
“But you don’t understand, I can’t afford anymore brain damage.”
“Oh yeah, baby! Turned 18 today! Gonna head down to the gas-o-leeeeeen station after school and buy some dirty mag-a-zeeeeeens!”
“Ew, you smell like masturbation!”
(Said to a chunky senior who used to be an obese freshman. His nickname is Chips, due to the fact that he used to devour them nonstop.) “Damn, Chips! In ninth grade you used to be a house! But you look good now. Now you just a trailer.”
“Headin’ to the strip club tonight, boyeeee! It’s my favorite night of the week there! Thick Thursday!”
“I think my dad is gay. I checked History on the computer last night and found gay porn sites, and we’re the only two who use the computer. I always thought he might be a fag.”
“If I can piss someone off and ruin at least a little part of their day, that’s reason enough for me to keep getting out of bed in the morning.” (This was from a teacher.)
And that’s another year’s wrap-up of all the fun provided by the students in a public high school. Next week’s final installment for this school year will involve some of the more absurd teacher moments.
Ned Bitters teaches high school and dreams of one day seeing one of his former students on stage at a strip club. You can contact him at email@example.com.