I am going to say something that a lot of people who care about me just don’t want to hear.
Getting married isn’t important to me.
When I daydream like so many other girls about getting married, the one vision I see in my head is drunkenly running off to Vegas with a stranger, honeymooning in Bat Country, sobering up and immediately getting the whole thing annulled. If I were to meet the great love of my life tomorrow, the ceremony part of a wedding where you spend a fortune so everyone can praise and adore you for a day would honestly terrify me. If I were to ever get to a point where someone I was in love and close with felt too important to be called a boyfriend, I would be absolutely fine going to a thrift store or a pawn shop, buying rings and calling them my husband from that point forward. To me that is more sincere and intimate then making yourself a spectacle.
In reality, I am thirty years old, single and nowhere near close to getting married. I’m getting to an age where if I don’t meet someone and settle down soon, I might never have kids. The truth of the matter is that a lot of people my age and otherwise are living a life they never expected. You’re told for so long to go to school, get a job, find a partner and have kids that you just learn to accept that as fact. It’s the natural flow of a predetermined life so much so that people expect it as the only way one can ever be happy or lead a fulfilling life. People become so dependent on others they need someone to sit next to them in silence every time they go to see a movie. Or they hold up their lives constantly wondering what others think.
Now there are so many misconceptions about single people, and the first one is that I sit at home dressing my cats up re-enacting scenes from The Notebook while crying myself to sleep, drowning my sorrows in a tub of chocolate ice cream. It took me about 30 years to figure out how to be happy in my own head, and in all honesty I’m in a really good place. I paint, write, read, watch movies and shows and I do everything on my own terms. I’m also experienced enough in dating to know that relationships are really really hard. They take a lot of work even in the best of matches and far too many people exhaust themselves trying to change each other out of a desperate fear of being alone.
Another great wrong impression people have about single people is that it’s hard to find dates. It’s so easy. I go on so many dates, it’s exhausting. I spend hours getting to know the lives of people I might never see again. I spent six hours out with a man who told me a whole lot of stories, but somehow forgot to tell me about his 22-year-old girlfriend at home. I spent three hours with a guy who insulted my profession. I spent five hours with an unemployed dude who I had nothing in common with who drank all my beer and thought I’d blow him. A major part of why I’m single is that I’ve realized I deserve so much more than what I settled for in the past.
When I ask male friends why I’m still single, a few of them are honest enough to say that I’m not slutty enough in my old age. One major point many women will never read in all their Cosmo magazine or self help jargon, is that a lot of men love the attention and aggression of an easy lay. For a lot of men it’s just a lot easier to find a new young girl naive enough to worship you than to put in the time and effort of actually building something with an equal match. When you’re being serious and honest, how many people do you know whose relationships began out of less than romantic situations? A lot more then people think. I know of more than a few relationships where things began very casually and progressed to love or in all honesty the lifetime commitment of raising a child together. A platonic male friend of mine drunkenly joking around one night told me the key to me in landing a partner was to fuck until I was stretched out and gaping. A sad and horrible fact of dating as you get older is that it’s a numbers game until you meet one that sticks. The great love at first site myth eventually turns into a pipe dream, then all bets are off.
I have no idea if I will meet someone tomorrow or never. I do know that I have been living a life I never expected for years now. When you tear away the cookie cutter assumptions of what people think you should be, your life becomes much more about possibilities than disappointments. I might leave everything tomorrow and paint naked Tahitian women on a beach until I die of heat stroke. I might not.
Trust me. I’ll be okay either way.
And, regardless of what you think of my life choices, I’ll invite all of you to the opening night of this all cat play I’ve been rehearsing.
Nicole Alexandria is off doing cool things like a boss that you probably never heard of while not giving a single fuck all day every day. You can contact her through Facebook.
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