A Million Universes – What I know

Nicole Alexandria

Every morning, for the first hour or so to procrastinate while waiting for the coffee too kick in, I read the news. I read the local news first, followed by the national news, followed by partisan liberal blogs, followed by fun entertainment garbage.

After doing so most of my adult life, all I’ve really learned is more or less everything we’re told by the media is a lie.

We live in a great world where everyone has an opinion on everything. Except we’ve become a society who is inundated daily with wildly inaccurate and misconstrued information. Statistics, research, facts and quotes are exaggerated and distorted beyond any hint of truth. We live in a world in which reality television is scripted and news is sensationalized.

Internet bloggers are the worst offenders. I can literally write anything I want in this space without any credible or reputable sourcing, and people will read it. I could say I witnessed an elephant shitting on both Presidential candidates while boning each other on top of a pile of money, and if I had a good enough photoshopped photo there are stupid enough people out there who would believe it because they wanted to believe it.

So I’m not going to write about how fucked up Scientology is versus all major religions, or how Joe Paterno is a scapegoat for a giant cover up that goes all the way to the current Pennsylvania Governor, or how one political candidate is less evil then the other, because in all honesty, I have no idea! None of us do. Everything we read or hear these days is sensationalized bullshit. I could read a million stories attempting to research each, but whose to say any of it is true.

So here is a bunch of things I do know.

1) Employees of Ikea do not think it is funny if you speak to them like the Swedish Chef.
2) The internet is the greatest single invention of our time. Unless it is summer. In the summer, it is air conditioning.
3) Moviegoing experiences would be much more enjoyable if you didn’t have to piss after casually sipping on the bucket of soda the concession stand gives you.
4) Do not trust anyone that hates The Beatles. Their ignorance knows no bounds.
5) Instances in which I can include “I’m your Huckleberry” in a conversation are way too wide and far between.
6) The most outrageous thing anyone should ever do for a Klondike bar is pay $4.50 for a box of them.
7) Everyone likes to pretend if they existed super hero powers would be used for great vigilante justice, but if art imitated reality they would most likely be used to make wild shit loads of cash. The people who would be superheros are already doing superhero jobs like the police, or teachers, or social workers.
8) Wrestling is taken up several awesome notches if the athletes are wearing luchador mask.
9) Men like to be lied to about their penis size as much as women like to be lied to about the size of their ass.
10) No matter what you do in this world, you will never be as cool as Lemmy. Or David Bowie.
11) Do not ever fuck with Gary Oldman.
12) Bunny rabbits are way too cute to not be evil.
13) The East Coast should have a giant music fest so they can have a hologram Biggie. And then hologram Tupac can fuck his wife.
14) John Slattery and Nick Offerman got robbed this year in Emmy nominations.
15) Tits are really awesome. They are the great equalizer in which everyone can agree. Which is why we have fake ones and nationwide marathons attempting to save them.

A little more honesty and a lot less people spreading gossip and rumors would do the Internet so much good. Then we could all get back to using it as Al Gore intended – for porn!

Nicole Alexandria is off doing cool things like a boss that you probably never heard of while not giving a single fuck all day every day. You can contact her through Facebook.