Positive Cynicism – The issues of the day

Aaron Davis

Aaron R. Davis

ITEM! Someone really needs to put Amanda Bynes on house arrest or something. Wouldn’t a non-celebrity who kept driving on a revoked license be in jail by now?

ITEM! Do you suppose that Peter Jackson is really frustrated now that he only got to make three Lord of the Rings movies? Because now The Hobbit, a book something like one-fourth the length of The Lord of the Rings, is getting three movies for some reason. Isn’t that kind of pushing it? Do you suppose he wishes now he could go back and make nine Lord of the Rings movies, three for each book, because the stories will just never be complete without dramatizing that one scene where Frodo brushed his foot against a rock in Ithilien or some such bullshit? Didn’t brevity used to be a virtue, or is it more important for filmmakers to have the freedom to only eventually get to the point a dozen years later?

ITEM! Steven Moffat deleted his Twitter account because the Doctor Who fan response isn’t entirely lovey-dovey anymore. Don’t you people understand he’s only interested in your feedback to that one cookie cutter virgin/whore female character he writes over and over again when it’s positive?

ITEM! We get it, Mayor Rahm Emmanuel: you got kicked around in high school and you want everyone to know you’re really a tough guy. Especially to people and groups you can bully around easily. But not to corporate interests or money or anyone bigger than you, like most people who think being loud and arrogant and angry are true toughness but are actually physical
cowards.

ITEM! If you’re on a blind gossip site and the blind is about an A list actor, please stop guessing it’s about Gerard Butler or Bradley Cooper. If you think those guys are A list movie stars, you probably think Matt Lauer is a serious newsman and 50 Shades of Gray is thrilling and erotic and are a very, very boring person who should get out more.

ITEM! Hey, did you hear that Iran is THIS. CLOSE. to having a nuclear bomb? Seriously, it was in the news today and, like, every day since 1980.

ITEM! Kate Middleton and her naked tour of Europe should really only be an opportunity for an adult discussion on why the word “tradition” somehow gets British taxpayers to subsidize the luxurious uselessness of its biggest welfare cases: the royal figureheads. Shut it, Queen Elizabeth; Kate’s flitting away her life on the UK’s dime; the least she can do is let them see her boring, pointless tits.

ITEM! I’m probably the last person in America to accidentally stumble across an episode of Dance Moms while channel-surfing, but holy shit, have you seen Dance Moms? Here it is in a nutshell: seven-year-olds with six-pack abs and whore makeup as though it’s all perfectly normal get made to cry by a woman who doesn’t look like she could dance if you put hot irons on her feet. Hey, were you such a bitch to the other girls in third grade that they ruined your self-esteem and made you cry? Well, why not get a job where you yell at third graders until you ruin their self-esteem and make them cry? That’s like therapy sort of, right?

ITEM! I think we should all agree right now that the most important political issue facing us this election cycle is Mitt Romney’s pledge to prosecute pornography. Wherever you fall on the political spectrum, this should unite us all. Yeah, yeah, you can pretend you don’t love to masturbate, but you do. We all do. I’m doing it right now. Okay, I’m not, but I have the freedom to get online, search for something nasty and go to town on myself if I want to. And anyone who wants to take my freedom to fap away from me just doesn’t seem to get what I as an American
hold dear.

ITEM! I agree with Sarah Silverman: if your religion is worth killing for, start with yourself. Or better yet, take a deep breath, eat some fruit, tell yourself it doesn’t matter what video some jackass made online, and go for a walk or do something productive that doesn’t involve turning yourself into a murderer.

I mean, seriously, we are a race capable of putting a mobile laboratory on Mars and ignoring Lindsay Lohan, and we still really want to waste time fighting over whose god approves of
what and why beating off is morally wrong and giggling at celebrities reading the perceived naughtiness of Twilight fan fiction? Think of all the things we could do if we just decided that there’s a lot of shit we fight about that doesn’t matter and maybe we should do something about the polar ice caps instead of shrugging and leaving that up to the next generation of selfish, lazy assholes who think flavor-blasting Cheetos is a more important use of science than making sure humanity doesn’t go extinct sometime in the next hundred years.

And if we’re not going to do that, at least don’t take my pornography from me. I need something to distract me from the nightmare this planet tends to be, and it sure as shit ain’t gonna be
Bradley Cooper movies.

Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at samuraifrog@yahoo.com.

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