A Million Universes – Don’t call it a comeback

Nicole Alexandria 

Nicole Alexandria

Quite a few Hollywood heavyweights have demonstrated the ultimate staying power by defying typecasting.

Tom Hanks has stayed relevant for almost three decades starting his career as a comedic actor, then later earning Academy Awards for his dramatic portrayals. Alec Baldwin started as a great dramatic actor in movies like The Hunt for Red October and Glengarry Glen Ross to being one of the most beloved television comedic actors of our time.

Not everyone is so lucky. Some need a comeback. Robert Downey, Jr. earned a doctorate in the Comeback Arts by staying clean, mastering his craft, being humble and gracious, being a loving husband and being an all-around likable guy. Seriously, even people who hate everyone like Robert Downey, Jr. He’s has the perfect mix of cocky smart ass-ness, talent and modesty rolled into one. So much so that he earned himself the ever-elusive supporting actor Academy Award nomination in a comedy without having to go “full retard.”

The Great Comeback is spreading like wildfire. Great actresses with very large curves can now earn themselves larger roles on shows that initially relegated them to background banter, like Christina Hendricks. Even the fashion world took notice and started mainstreaming models who jiggle, like Kate Upton, who bounced her way down the runway into the hearts of many.

In the spirit of great comebacks, here are a few actors I’d like to see have a resurgence:

1. Hot Val Kilmer – Why won’t someone force Jenny Craig or The Biggest Loser or whatever weight loss company dujor pay Val Kilmer a gazillion dollars to get all hot again?! It’s madness. There is a giant hot Doc Holliday void in my heart. When I was a kid, Real Genius was one of my favorite movies to play on repeat and even to this day it completely holds up. There is sexy nerds, popcorn, science, a guy living in the closet, 80’s music montages and the prick from Ghostbusters. Val Kilmer filled the hot smart ass role perfectly which he continued in different ways in both Top Secret and Top Gun. Shit. He wasn’t even that terrible of a Batman. Come back to us Val! You can be our Huckleberry.

2. Michael Keaton – Why this guy ever fell off the face of the earth is a great mystery that should be studied for all time. Stop reading this and watch Beetlejuice. I’ll wait … I know! He was so good! And he’s the second most beloved Batman behind Christian Bale and just above Adam West? What the hell happened here Hollywood? This great injustice needs to be rectified immediately.

3. Winona Ryder – Okay Veronica. We know the ghost of a blown up J.D. or a bitch of a Heather stuck that stuff in your purse. Lydia Deetz and Jo March would never pull that a stunt like that! Winona Ryder was a beloved staple for so long who sarcastically charmed the hearts of quirky boys everywhere in Reality Bites and twirled in the snow for Johnny Depp. We forgave Martha Stewart, Lindsey Lohan and Mickey Rourke, but not Winona? And she’s still pretty hot? Winona Forever!

4. The Thunder, Rain and Lightning guys from Big Trouble in Little China – Don’t lie. You love when Thunder turns into a Garbage Pail kid and blows up. I wanted them to be at my birthday party when I was like 10. Hotheaded Thunder would yell at everyone, while Rain smiled and flips his hair. Lightning sits in the corner playing with science zapping bugs and or little brothers. Sigh. I can dream.

5. The X-Files – If ever there was a moment in time to re-do a great American television show, it is right now. All of the sudden, the age of the redhead is upon us and what better time than now to find a hot young one to replace one of the most iconic redheads of all time, Gillian Anderson? Aliens and creepy tales are much more interesting then what happens in a zip code in California, or on an oil Ranch in Texas. Though Fringe and Supernatural attempt to pick up the slack, it is just not the same. Enough time has passed that if done decently a re-tooled X-Files would fill our geeky little hearts.

6. Nerds. Real ones. – I’m not talking about the cleaned up version of nerds where extremely attractive people put on large-rimmed glasses or the hipster kind who dresses nerdy ironically. I’m talking about the Booger kind picking his nose and using computers to out shine the neanderthals. Or seducing the hot cheerleader while dressed as Darth Vader.

7. The Saxaphone guy from The Lost Boys – I dare you to find a sexier, bad ass sax player! You can’t do it! How is hot oily chest not a part of any of the bands on all the late night talk shows?

Anyone I missed?

Nicole Alexandria is off doing cool things like a boss that you probably never heard of while not giving a single fuck all day every day. You can contact her through Facebook.

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