Aaron R. Davis
Every morning before I flip on the computer and settle my giant ass onto my zebra print office chair to waste another day of my life on frivolity, I should really ask myself how Tumblr is going to make me roll my eyes today. Is it going to be dissing 4chan by acting like 4chan? Is it going to be yet another round of Who’s More Offended by Something That Ultimately Doesn’t Matter? Or is it just going to be another of those stupid “reblog ifs.”
Reblog if you love Obama. Reblog if you’re against war. Reblog if you think cancer sucks. Reblog if you’re not wearing pants. Just a lot of stupid posts you’re supposed to reblog because someone is lonely and wants to see their note count go up by acting like the site all of its users claim is better than Facebook is actually just Facebook.
This weekend’s stupid “reblog if” post was going around on the tumblrs that are supposed to be all sexy and titillating. Lots of people have them; secret sites that are filled with porn, fantasies and flirty comments that are meant to be arousing but too often have that desperate sheen of sweat that says: “Please notice me, I’m debasing myself for attention!” You can’t really get off on those sites, unless furtive, silent, shame-filled masturbation is your big release. (Personally, I say you settle in, turn on some music, take your time and really let yourself go. And never be ashamed. Ever.)
Anyway, these sad corners of secret self-glory had a “reblog if” going around this weekend that said, “Reblog if you want to hear what your followers would do if they owned you for 24 hours.”
Now, besides being a free-for-all for inevitable racist comments and arguments over what kind of person you must be for envisioning slavery as an occasional daylong lark (and I’m not judging, I’m just reporting what I saw), I get the fantasy element of this. Particularly for white people, but seriously, stop trying to make me talk about the implications. We’re just talking about people who are either submissive or get off on the fantasy of being controlled, but in a way that’s ultimately safe. Not that I need to educate you guys on the ins and outs of sexual power fantasies, right?
Still, when I saw that on Tumblr yesterday, I started to wonder … what would I do if owned you for 24 hours? I like sexy time as much as anyone I know — ask anyone I know, I’m annoyingly open about it — but I’m also aging rapidly and becoming grouchier and crankier than Clint Eastwood rambling to an empty chair like a homeless street prophet who’s really, really pissed off at a garbage can for reasons you’d be happier not pondering. 24 hours free reign with a person who had that on their blog? If I had that opportunity, and let my fantasies run wild, what would I do with you?
Well, first thing first: I am going to put you into the sexiest, skimpiest, frilliest French maid outfit, and you’re going to clean my kitchen. Yeah, baby. Like that. Scour that stovetop. Wipe down those inexplicably grease-stained blinds. Go through my cabinets and throw away my expired food like the sexy little thing you are. Get down on all fours and clean that floor. Be nasty!
That’s just going to happen. I’ll bet at least half of you went right to cleaning, am I right? We work all week, and and if you’re married (like I am) and both partners work (as we do), the last thing you want to do when you’re home decompressing is work more. So, like a lot of people, our housework can be totally slipshod over the week. That’s where you come in, baby. I own you for a day.
Then, I’m going to call over some big, burly, hard-bodied men and they’re going to take you … into my spare bedroom for some organization and more cleaning. We moved into this place in 2001, and our spare bedroom is still uninhabitable. It’s just where the boxes of stuff we don’t care about go and stand. That stuff needs to be either cleaned out or thrown away. It’s been so long that I’m totally daunted by that. But you, you lovely flower, are going to have a whole train of guys carrying boxes out to the garbage and helping you move things around so we can
actually see the floor in there. And then you’re going to bend that sexy body over and vacuum the place so hard.
Now it’s time for the shower … get in there and give it a good clean. Oh, do you do windows?
Why am I asking? I own your ass today. Then it’s time for a good, hard laundry session, a bit of folding and then it’s over my knee so you can help me fix my plumbing problems. Seriously, those numbskulls in maintenance are doing the worst job fixing my bathroom sink.
Man, all of that in 24 hours … now that’s a fantasy. I could definitely watch that all day long.
Thanks for putting that up on your blog, Steve. That’s a great idea. Be over first thing in the morning, and be sure to wear comfortable shoes.
Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at email@example.com.