When offering unsolicited dating advice, the first and foremost thing people say is “Find yourself a nice guy.” When given such advice, I often have to physically restrain myself from making a way too obvious and rude impression of Nick Cage’s “You Don’t Say” face. But here’s the thing about nice guys: I’ve never actually met one.
Amongst friends, it is a little bit of a joke that the only requirement for being my type is Asshole. And it’s true. I can’t even deny when reviewing my case history that I have dated the biggest sacks of shit this town has to offer. I’ve dated alcoholics, entitled rich pricks, poor dicks looking for a free ride and the age old classic cheaters.
I’ll sum up why for you. I have two brothers who I am bonded with in the way only siblings growing up in an abusive household can have. Our reunions are much like a group of old war vets sitting in a bar. We’re abrasive and somewhat mean to each other, but are comforted in each others company in that each of us simply and wordlessly gets it.
The older of my two brothers is an asshole. His friends know it. His girlfriend knows it. We all know it. He once left my youngest brother at a Home Depot one night – by himself, eight miles from our house with no cash. He often calls me Harry Potter in reference to a scar on my forehead just to piss me off.
My youngest brother, however, is very deceivingly nice. He’s soft spoken, sweet and adorable. He is also occasionally the most passively aggressive asshole I have ever met. He once stopped talking to me for a three weeks because I mistakenly came home two hours late on a night I forgot we had plans.
Now when my asshole brother does something to live up to his title, I am prepared for it. I am not surprised. I call him a dick. We yell and scream and then we’re fine. All the anger and aggression is released immediately and for me to expect him to change at this age would be like expecting a tiger to change it’s stripes. But when my youngest brother does something douchey? It breaks my heart every time. My defense mechanisms aren’t prepared for it. Even if my anger is justified, his reaction throws me off so much I often can feel myself being manipulated into apologizing unwarrantably.
I prefer the former when dating. I prefer to know exactly what I’m getting into with a dick of a guy so I’m prepared for it. I prefer the fight and the aggression versus the suppression and torture of hiding it.
Now as someone who has dated more in this lifetime than I would wish on my greatest enemy, my experience makes me somewhat of an expert on the topic of men. The way I can dissect it is that there are two different set of “Nice Guy.”
The first set of Nice Guy are actually assholes. They are just better at hiding it. In my early dating years, I was young and naive enough to give these guys the benefit of the doubt. I would tell myself: “Ohh no. they’re really are nice guys. For whatever reason they just weren’t to me.”
But in my experienced, bitter old age, I’m wise enough to call it as I see it. Those Nice Guys who lead you on with nice dinner/flowers before what turns out to be a one or two night stand. Or those super nice guys who say things like: “You’re awesome. You deserve so much. I just have this ex …” Or a personal favorite: “Oh no, I’m totally single and I’m totally into you. I just can’t meet up with you on a Friday or Saturday night and some girl is going to be texting my phone the whole time I do actually meet up with you.” These guys know what they are and they know that game that they’re playing. They’re just smart enough to con you and everyone else around them into believing a stupid lie.
The second set of Nice Guy aren’t liars or cheats. Oh no. Not these guys. These are the guys that whine, cry and make themselves victims of scorned vengeful women who wronged them. Anything you say or do ends up being a circus in which you’re made out to be a cunt who hurts these guys. They’re the guys whose lovers – who they adore and praise – cheated on them (without telling you the fucked up shit they did to provoke it).
They’re the ones who smother you and yell at you if you’re not at their beck and call at all hours. They’re the ones who guilt and manipulate you into staying or doing something you don’t want to do because they “Love you so much.” and if you don’t “You aren’t the girl they thought you were.”
Want to know how to pinpoint this type of Nice Guy? They’ll tell you all the time how “Nice of a guy” they are. If you say it enough it has to be true, right?
For everyone’s unsolicited advice, I realized a long time ago a nice guy isn’t necessarily what I want. I just want someone vulnerable and human who makes me laugh. Until then, fuck off and keep your opinions to yourself.
Nicole Alexandria is off doing cool things like a boss that you probably never heard of while not giving a single fuck all day every day. You can contact her through Facebook.