Murphy’s Law – Five suggestions for Star Wars VII

Joel Murphy

Ever since Disney announced their acquisition of Lucasfilms Ltd. and their plans to release a new Star Wars film in 2015, everyone on the Internet has been weighing in on what they should do with the franchise.

(In fact, we’ve already had some fun here on HoboTrashcan imagining what Episode VII might look like.)

Everyone except me, that is. And frankly, how could I resist the urge to armchair quarterback the new film?

Honestly, I have mixed feelings about this move overall and I’d say I’m cautiously optimistic at best about the prospect of three more Star Wars films. But Disney did a great job with the Avengers films and, honestly, they couldn’t do any worse than Lucas himself has been doing with the property lately.

It could work. Especially if Disney follows these five simple suggestions …

Hire David Fincher to direct

It’s no coincidence that the best Star Wars film ever made wasn’t directed by George Lucas. Irvin Kershner was able to get performances from his actors that George Lucas never could, which is why Empire Strikes Back is such a great film. Putting this unique world in the hands of a great storyteller yields wonderful results.

With Disney opening up the Star Wars franchise to a new generation of directors, they need to find someone who can create the right balance of great storytelling and breathtaking special effects.

I’ve seen a lot of names floating around the past few days. The obvious ones, like Joss Whedon or Brad Bird, make sense, but I think Disney can do better.

That’s why I think they should do everything they can to court David Fincher. I think Fincher is the most interesting director out there today. While I haven’t loved every film he’s made, I’ve found them all brilliantly shot and worth watching at least once.

With Fight Club, he’s shown he’s capable of shooting action scenes. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button showed how well Fincher can integrate cutting-edge special effects into his films. And if he was able to make an entertaining movie about the douche who started Facebook, imagine what he could do with spaceships and lightsabers.

Besides, as big a fan as I am of John Williams, imagine how amazing a Trent Reznor Star Wars soundtrack would be.

If Fincher is unavailable, I do have two back up plans. The first is the Wachowskis, who would be good for at least one amazing Star Wars movie before their trilogy went to hell. My second choice is Ben Affleck, who has quietly become one of the best action directors out there today. The one downside to Affleck though is that he would inevitably want to cast himself as a Jedi.

Keep the old stars out of it

My man-love for Harrison Ford knows no bounds, but there was nothing more depressing that watching an over-the-hill Ford don the Indiana Jones costume for Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

I know the temptation will be to find ways to incorporate Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher and Ford into the plot, but don’t. Just don’t. None of them are anywhere near as spry or as attractive as they were in the late 70s or early 80s and frankly they no longer have a place in this universe.

Obviously, Episode VII will have to somehow make mention of those characters, but I think it’s best to keep them off-screen. If you want to have Han and Leia’s child be the star, that’s fine. Just have the kids parents off at Space Boca Raton playing Canasta while the action takes place. (And hopefully, they are smart enough to always let Chewbacca win those Canasta games.)

Get Alison Brie in a slave bikini

This isn’t actually related to Episode VII … it’s just something I’ve been picturing in my head the past few months.

Cast Daniel-Day Lewis as a Jedi

Daniel Day-Lewis is probably the greatest actor out there today. He’s also probably batshit insane. He spent months wandering around the street of Richmond refusing to break character while playing Abraham Lincoln. Can you imagine how great it would be if his next three films had him playing a Jedi?

I want the gossip sites filled with stories of Day-Lewis wearing a black robe around Hollywood, trying to use the Force to pick up his Chai tea at Starbucks. How awesome would that be? Make it happen, Disney.

“If you have a milkshake and I have a milkshake and I have a lightsaber – here it is – you hand over your milkshake immediately or I chop your goddamn hand off!”

Two words: more Muppets

Long before this Disney-Lucasfilms merger happened, George Lucas opened the door for Muppets in the Star Wars universe with the inclusion of Yoda.

One of the many, many regrettable decisions Lucas made with the prequels was getting rid of the felt puppet Yoda in favor of a CGI version. I really hope that whoever takes over the franchise brings the new generation of moviegoers a lovable Muppet or two (and not another Jar Jar Binks).

I’m not saying we need to see Kermit or Rowlf grabbing lightsabers and joining the fight, but … well, I’m not ruling it out either. Besides, how awesome would it be if Electric Mayhem somehow became Jabba the Hut’s new house band?

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.