Murphy’s Law – Why can’t we be friends?

Joel Murphy

Now that Barack Obama has officially been reelected and this long, contentious Presidential campaign season is finally over, I think it’s time to start a new quadrennial tradition – post-election Facebook refriending.

Like a lot of you, as things heated up and the hate began to spew, I found myself unfriending people on Facebook. The people I dumped were all casual acquaintances at best – friends of friends, mostly, or people I met randomly out in the world one night and, as you do, felt compelled to add on Facebook.

But I know some of you deleted longtime friends or even family members who loudly voiced dissenting opinions. The election is over, hopefully both of you have cooled down a bit and can now add each other back again.

I know how frustrating those disputes can be. My own father and I are on opposite ends of the political spectrum. Over the past few months, I’ve found myself jumping into threads he’s started on Facebook, feeling the need to defend the candidate I like from what I feel are unfair attacks. But since most people my dad is friends with agree with him politically, I tend to find myself taking on five or six people who vehemently disagree with me. Even for a talented wordsmith like myself, rebutting a group of people circling around me and attacking me one at a time like we’re in some old school kung fu movie gets tiresome. You can only sweep the leg so many times before the first guy you rebutted gets up again and is ready for round two.

But I never blocked my dad on Facebook. I never unfriended him. Even though we don’t see eye-to-eye, he’s still my father and is entitled to see the same corny one-liners and ridiculous photos of pugs I post on there as everyone else I’ve friended over the years.

The election is over. Barack Obama won.

If you voted for Mitt Romney, don’t be like Karl Rove was on Fox News last night, continuing to fight the good fight long after it has become clear your guy lost. It’s just sad, really. Obama won. Get over it. Chances are, he’s not going to turn this country into a socialist Muslim post-Apocalyptic wasteland where rich people are forced to give poor people daily back rubs. And, as hilarious as several of you seemed to find it to write last night, no this isn’t what the Mayans were talking about. It will all be okay. The world will keep spinning. Obama won’t delay the release of Star Wars VII or The Avengers 2. It will be fine, I promise.

And, if you voted for Barack Obama, congratulations – your guy won. Also, gay marriage got voted in in several states and marijuana was made legal in others. It’s a banner day for liberals. It’s also officially over. No need to keep walking around with your fists raised, ready for a fight with the nearest conservative at the drop of a hat. Enjoy your victory and keep quiet about it. And smoke ’em if you got ’em, Colorado and Washington residents.

Everyone on both sides of the aisle – it’s officially time to hug it out, bitches.

Let’s focus on the things that we can all agree on, like pizza being delicious or Alex Cross being an unmitigated train wreck. After all, in a day or two, that’s what Facebook will go back to being – a place to give unnecessary updates about your lives, forward dumb memes and bitch about the latest pop culture happenings. Give it a week and your pals on the other side of the aisle will be back to talking about the Honey Boo Boo girl I can’t seem to avoid or writing: “Did u see Walking Dead last night? OMG. #incorrectuseofhashtagbecauseidontquiteunderstandhowtheyworkorwhypeopleusethemlol”

So go ahead and resend those friend requests. If you want, you can pretend like you had no clue you dropped these people in the first place. After all, this is America, damn it, and it’s your god given right to avoid awkward social encounters by using little white lies.

Let’s come together as a country. Let’s all be friends once more on Facebook. Until 2016, when I’m dropping a whole bunch of you fuckers again.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.