Positive Cynicism – A second open letter to Papa John Schnatter because you still won’t shut the hell up

Aaron R. Davis

Dear Papa John,

Wow, you just won’t let it go, will you? Your guy lost, but you just won’t shut the hell up and get back to work. You and Donald Trump. You’re in the classiest of company, you corporate slimeball.

We talked back in August about your idiotic declaration that you would pass the cost of Obamacare on to the customer, jacking up the price on a large pizza by a bankrupting two bits. I talked about how angry you were, offended that the government should attempt to ensure that workers have access to insurance through their employers. “How dare you tell employers how to run their businesses and treat employees like actual people with families and homes and concerns other than my pizza assembly line?” you probably stopped just short of saying. “Who cares if someone comes to work wiping their runny nose and then handling food you’re going to eat while hacking phlegm into it? I NEED MORE MONEY!” you probably also would have added – maybe.

We also talked about your childish idea of how government works, first seeming to believe that I and others like me had to power to demand the reversal of a congressional decision just to save less than the price of a cheap vending machine toy on a large pizza, and then seemingly convinced that if Obama lost the election, Obamacare would no longer be in effect … because… somehow it’s only the law if Obama is still President or something? Either way, neither your customers nor Obama could be swayed on Pizzagate ’12.

Maybe the President’s a Pizza Hut man.

So, here you are again, a pizza sweatshop CEO somehow in the news, announcing that since no one gave a shit about a tiny price hike on pizzas — you didn’t say this, but really, that’s what happened — you’re instead going to encourage franchise owners to cut employee hours so that you don’t have to cover them with insurance. Something you seem to do anyways without the attendant publicity, when you’re not wringing your hands and saying you’d love to cover ALL your employees, but it’s too ‘spensive and exchange costs and other shit you clearly don’t understand because you’re a selfish dick who only cares about himself and the business he built on the backs of underpaid, uninsured employees and cheap ingredients that undercut local businesses.

What kind of human filth would rather punish his workers and sacrifice their well-being than see his profit margin lessened even a tiny bit? What kind of soulless monster would decide that raising the cost of a large pizza wouldn’t penalize his employees and his customers enough and slash hours instead? What kind of money-fellating asshole could run a company that made a $451 million profit in 2011 and then spread his hands and lament that giving all of the people who work for him some kind of insurance would cost 1.7 percent of that and it’s just too damn much to stay profitable? Even ignoring the fact that Obamacare provides tax credits and deductions to offset the costs of letting your sick workers go to see a doctor like actual human beings?

I mean, seriously, what kind of asshole would choose to act that way if he had the option of being a decent human being?

What kind of blinders would a person have to wear to not care about the basic needs, wages and insurance of his employees while he lived in a 40,000 square foot castle with a private lake, private golf course and 22-car garage? Can you imagine the colossal prick who would cry poverty and cost of doing business while being known to tip wait staff a mere five percent? Just think what kind of a clueless jerk you’d have to be to pay $250,000 — enough to pay the salary of one of your uninsured pizza slingers for almost 13 years — for a Camaro, all the while crying into the nearest microphone that the president is a big ol’ meanie.

Just imagine it, Papa John.

Imagine a total jerk who prizes his money and his possessions so much that when he disagrees with the law of his country, he doesn’t cut the profit margin a little, or raise the prize of a pizza by two lousy dimes, or cut executive salaries, or step up and be a man in any way … but instead takes advantage of the lowest-paid employees by slashing their hours to make a point. Imagine how unpatriotic that guy is. How much more dedicated to himself he is, rather than his country, his economy, his business or the people who work for him. Because he knows it isn’t his estimated personal value of $260 million that will suffer; it’s his franchise owners and his employees. You know: other people. What kind of irresponsible government asks a sociopath to care about other people?

Can you imagine, Papa John, the pure stupidity of a guy who comes out and purposely makes controversial, headline-grabbing comments that insult over half of the voters? Would you consider a guy who says something so alienating to his customer base, so damaging to his company’s reputation, a serious businessman? I wouldn’t. Because that guy doesn’t seem to realize something really basic about capitalism: in the business landscape, it’s not the business owner who has the power. It’s the consumer. In a free society, a producer is nothing without a consumer to buy the product. And when the producer decides his product is a soapbox to make political statements with, and turns the act of buying the product into voting, many consumers will decide to take their votes elsewhere.

That’s capitalism. That’s freedom. And that’s the cost of doing business.

Can you imagine that guy, Papa John? Can you sit there and picture him in your mind’s eye, shooting his mouth off and telling the world he’s a giant, gaping asshole who values his ability to overpay for classic cars over being a responsible businessman?

Of course you can’t. If you could, you wouldn’t rush to be that guy with the grace of a half-asleep dog that’s been scared out of sleep by the sound of a car backfiring.

Eat Papa John’s and die.

Local pizza establishment consumer for life,

Aaron R. Davis

Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at samuraifrog@yahoo.com.