Positive Cynicism – So far, this is the weirdest thing that’s happened to me in 2014
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2014: not off to a great start.
I’m very sick… again. Apparently fate has decided that this is going to be an annual tradition in December and January; a really bad flu/possible bronchitis that leaves me practically debilitated for days on end.
It’s also bitterly cold in the Midwest. The high tomorrow is going to be -18 (but don’t worry, that’s before the wind chill; with the added wind chill it’s going to feel more like -45, because that’s a reasonable temperature, I guess). The snow is piling up outside of my patio door, which is a little disconcerting, because I live on the third floor. I wonder how much snow has to gather on my balcony before the weight gets to be too much? Probably a lot, right? Right?
The days are passing slowly, but all jumbled together, because of the fever and the sameness of the weather and the fact that I’ve been watching too much TV and it’s all been blurring together. Nothing’s really stood out as especially notable.
Until this.
I was wasting some time on Tumblr (which is probably what it will say on my tombstone, except I won’t even notice that I’ve died, because my ghost will still be too busy surfing on Tumblr) and I posted a picture from the new RoboCop remake. Just posted an image. Thought it looked kind of cool. I’m a tiny bit interested in seeing the remake, even though I love the original and don’t think it can come close. But hey, it doesn’t have to. Not in my opinion. It just has to be an interesting, engaging movie for its own sake. See, I have this weird thing that I do with my mind where I can separate one thing from another thing, so that I don’t suffer cognitive dissonance and weird, stroke-inducing seizures from thinking two things are the same thing. I think they used to call that thought, but I allow that I might be wrong. After all, I’m no scientician.
But then I see that my mere posting of a picture has angered one of my followers.
“Fuck this corporate shit,” he commented. “They’re gutting the genius of RoboCop and taking out the whole meaning of the story. This remake is essentially being made by the same type of people RoboCop kills in the real movie.” And then he abruptly trails off, disgusted with me.
Now, to be fair, I am one of the increasing minority on the Internet who doesn’t actually have the ability to look at a trailer, description, broad outline or concept and automatically know everything the film is going to do. I just never developed that ability. Just a cursory glance at the Internet will show you, though, just how far-reaching this power is. I guess being able to deduce every nuance, stance, meaning, theme, subtext and motivation probably saves you a lot of time on seeing movies that don’t reinforce your worldview, but that’s time I’m just going to have to waste on my own. But does this guy at least pity me my ordinariness? No. But at least he tries to reach out to me, to help me understand why the “real” movie murdered all the right “type of people.”
Oh, wait, no he doesn’t. He sends me this message, instead: “Hey man, I really enjoyed your blog but I wanted you to know I’m unfollowing you solely because you posted a picture of the RoboCop remake. I hope you will see the folly of your ways and not support this corporate abomination.”
Now, I’ve had people unfollow me on Tumblr for a lot of reasons, some of them stupid, some of them lesser degrees of stupid. Political reasons, obviously. Because I posted nudity, certainly. Not posting enough nudity, yeah, all the time. Tumblr is weird. Sometimes people follow you when you haven’t been on in days, and then they unfollow you when you get back on and start actually posting. People cry and run screaming because someone said they didn’t like the same band. I made a crack the other day about how the same people who don’t like Agents of SHIELD because it wasn’t immediately the greatest achievement in human history tend to be the same people who tell me that you have to wait something like eight episodes for Firefly to actually get good, and I lost four followers. So people are touchy, and being on the Internet somehow makes them touchier than they are in real life.
So, I guess it makes some kind of sense in Internet logic that you would no longer want to look at the Tumblr of a man who might be interested in seeing a remake of RoboCop — which, by the way, is one of my favorite movies of all time. I guess I just remember the halcyon days of yore when movies were only made by dedicated people who wanted to give the world fun and enjoyment. Remember back in 1987, when corporations didn’t take things like making money very seriously? It was a different time.
I don’t know, sir. I respect your stance, I think. I wasn’t brave enough to truly consider that a new remake might ruin the integrity of the character who has appeared in two sequels to the original movie, two live action TV series, two animated TV series, various action figures and merchandise, five video games (including one where he fought the Terminator), several comic books (including one where he fought the Terminator) and a Korean fried chicken commercial (see below). I mean, it’s not like anyone ever tried to just cynically make money off this thing before.
Fuck this brand-new corporate mentality. When did licensed properties suddenly become all about profits?
Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at samuraifrog@yahoo.com.
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