Aaron R. Davis
Hey there, moviegoer, and welcome to the 4:30 afternoon showing of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. Before we get to the previews, perhaps you’d enjoy this showcase, featuring local ads, movie trivia, new music and a chance to win a prize. Enjoy this for several endless minutes.
Did you like that? Well: here’s more of it! But in motion this time! With a little cartoon robot fobbing off about how you can text your trivia answers and maybe win some vague, ill-defined prize that no one cares about. Also, all the trivia answers are movies that came out six months ago because we don’t update our advertiser package often. You like Taylor Swift? Cool. Please enjoy this song by this month’s wannabe Taylor Swift knock-off that you’ll never hear of again.
Here’s a commercial: Geico can save you money on your car insurance. Oh, and according to this commercial, so can Esurance. Confused yet? Here, enjoy this commercial for Verizon. It’s a longer one designed specifically for movie theaters. And now Coca-Cola. At least those polar bears will get to enjoy a frosty Coca-Cola before having to eat each other to survive because of their diminishing habitat. Coca-Cola: the pause (before the bloodsport begins) that refreshes! It’s the real thing!
Okay, now here’s an announcement that the movie’s going to start soon. What time was listed in the paper? 4:30? Well, shit, it’s only 4:42, so here are some more commercials for other products that feel like you’re just watching a local broadcast channel. Did you pay theater prices to come to the theater in terrible weather so you could feel like you’re just waiting for The Steve Wilkos Show or a syndicated repeat of The Cleveland Show to start? Because that’s the experience you’re getting. Hey, look: here’s that same Geico ad again. And that same Verizon ad!
Okay, okay, seriously, it’s time to stop the commercials now. What time is it? 4:53? Okay, the commercial package is over now. We promise.
So, anyway, be sure you know where the exits are.
Also, please shut off your cell phones and other devices and be polite and don’t use them during the show.
Oh, you know what? We’re doing a charity thing in this theater chain to help disabled kids. Here are a bunch of disabled kids. Don’t you feel bad for them? I mean, no, they’re great kids, but don’t you feel like you should help them out? Look, R2-D2’s in the commercial, so, pay attention to these kids who are doing great and who are enjoying their lives even with their tragically diminished capacity that you shouldn’t feel bad for and yet should also feel incredibly guilty about not helping every chance you have. Are you seriously sitting there on your fat ass waiting to watch a three hour movie about dragons and elves when you could be out helping handicapped kids get a better education? What the fuck is even wrong with you? What kind of totally capable person wouldn’t even get up out of his seat right now and just buy a goddamn Yoda button to help a kid in need? Jesus, you’re getting a collectible for your trouble! This is literally the least you can do. What kind of monster are you?
Okay, now enjoy your movie.
Oh, also, you can come here and save money on early Tuesday showings, which we can probably afford to do because of all the goddamn commercials we’re shoving down your throat. What, you thought you subsidized our film showings with the price of your ticket? You resent paying money to watch advertisements? Well, you should come on Tuesdays, when we slash prices in half. Thanks for paying full price today, though.
And now, as promised and as greatly anticipated: here are the previews.
Here they come: incomprehensible space movie, incomprehensible space movie by Christopher Nolan, black guy comedy that always comes out in January because Hollywood assumes black people don’t go to movies, cheap CGI family movie with an air of desperation, incomprehensible space movie by the Wachowskis, yet another pointless attempt to start a franchise based on a series of young adult novels whose oncoming failure is prefigured by its January release date. Fun stuff, eh? Jeez, why don’t people go to movies more often these days?
Oh, hey, we also want to take a minute to let you know that this theater has digital projection and sound, which the Hollywood studios kind of forced on us when they pushed 3D back out there, so thanks for coming and sitting through all of those damn commercials, because seriously guys, this upgrade was fucking expensive.
Oh, and if you could, maybe take a moment to think about going up to our concession stand to get some popcorn and a refreshing Coca-Cola.
What time is it now? 5:20? And you’ve been in your seat for an hour now? Oh. Well, here: enjoy the 4:30 showing of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. Hope you didn’t just go to stand in line for popcorn like we told you to because we aren’t carrying this movie anymore after tonight!