Aaron R. Davis
Hello, friend/family member/casual Internet-only acquaintance,
It seems you’ve been wondering why you’ve not heard from me of late. What with the whirlwind of activity going on right now — the Super Bowl, awards season, the Winter Olympics — that I’m doing my best to ignore, it could be any number of reasons. Why don’t you pick out one or more from the following list and then not bother me for a while?
:: You told me the cure to my depression was to “Just cheer up, already.”
:: You tried to talk to me while Dance Moms was on. You know better than that!
:: You inadvertently made me feel bad about my love for the Muppets. (I haven’t spoken to one of you for a decade because of that.)
:: You tried to engage me in any talk of the Woody Allen controversy. Let’s not do this. Let’s not be bystanders to something as serious as possible child molestation with incessant speculation over something that we’re not involved in.
:: You basically said that you love Jennifer Lawrence for all the reasons you hate Kristen Stewart, and sounded like you were in high school study hall while doing it.
:: You took this winter’s chilly conditions (the third worst winter in Chicago history) to unironically ask “Gee, whatever happened to global warming?”
:: You unironically asked me “Why isn’t there a White History Month”?
:: You asked me for my opinion on the Justin Bieber arrest as though I was supposed to actually have one.
:: You made it so we could only buy CFL bulbs now, because apparently the government has a say over your nighttime visual acuity. I might as well be burning an oil lamp in here with the amount of light I’m not getting.
:: You told me all year that Beyonce was the most wonderful human being on Earth, and then said nothing when she totally disrespected the families of the astronauts who died in the Challenger disaster (and the bounds of good taste itself) by refusing to remove audio samples of the disaster itself from one of her songs, because she feels that a bad breakup is exactly the same thing as the tragic, fiery deaths of seven people.
:: You keep talking about how everyone and everything is “perfect” and “flawless” when you really just mean “really great.”
:: You installed low-flow water fixtures in my house in a bizarre effort to save water. It takes me twice as long to shower! That’s using the same amount of water in a longer amount of time!
:: You keep getting angry about the Man of Steel 2 casting when movies are literally the easiest thing in the world to totally ignore.
:: You called me “intolerant” because I think zombies are stupid.
:: You used the phrase “real fan” as though it means anything other than you being judgmental.
:: You used the phrase “fake geek girl” the same way.
:: You used an old TV show theme song in a commercial. Why the hell would you even do that? I’m not going to buy a product just because you made me remember that Magnum, PI existed.
:: You’re constantly going on and on about how the RoboCop remake is humanity’s greatest crime. Do you even realize what an asshole you sound like? Go volunteer somewhere and tell homeless people how terrible it is that Hollywood is remaking RoboCop.
:: You went off on a Facebook rant on December 27th about how your neighbors still had their Christmas decorations up, apparently under the weird impression that there’s nothing more endearing than complaining about something that literally has zero effect on your life.
:: You accused me of being a “special snowflake” because I don’t like New Girl or Sleepy Hollow or Walking Dead or some piece of shit show, as though my personal preferences in entertainment are specifically designed to make you feel bad about yourself. Just so we’re clear: I don’t ever think about what TV shows you like, what with it not being relevant to my day, ever.
:: You tried to convince me a bowl of cereal is a meal. It’s not. If you’re hungry in a half-hour, it’s not a meal. I think Isaac Asimov or someone said that. Or should have.
:: You constantly ask me why I never strike up a conversation with you, after you told me you needed space, didn’t want to have a personal relationship anymore and then went on vacation and didn’t talk to me for a week after you got back. Gee, I wonder if I somehow got the wrong idea that we might not really be friends anymore. Is there just no one else around to lavish you with attention today?
:: You complained about seeing spoilers on the Internet. The Internet has been a thing for long enough now that you should know there are spoilers there. Don’t want spoilers? Don’t get on Facebook today. Society is not required to protect you indefinitely from knowing how Breaking Bad ends.
Now, I fully admit a lot of these come across as irrational, self-righteous, petty and reactionary. I don’t really have an answer for that. All I know is, if you make me feel irrational, self-righteous, petty and reactionary, that’s another reason I have no interest in talking to you right now.
Thanks for everything,
Aaron R. Davis
Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at email@example.com.