Valentine’s Day is upon us.
Some of you hate it, complaining that it’s a manufactured holiday and that everyone else should hate it too. Some of you love it and use social media to brag about how amazing and thoughtful your significant other is. Truth of the matter is, it’s a holiday. Just like all the other holidays, it is what you make it. If you want a raunchy evening with some hot piece of ass you picked up, DO IT! If you want to be pissy and bitter, DO IT!
Though, one thing is certain: regardless of your stance, you will be bombarded with screaming red and pink hearts, an overwhelming floral stench and shit loads of candy everywhere you go. The most iconic representation of this onslaught is the ever popular conversation heart.
What’s the deal with this shit, anyway? I’d go as far as to say that the taste is polarizing. I could actually eat a whole bag of them, especially the white ones, but I fully support those who hate that chalky texture. Taste aside, were they originally designed to be a functional candy? Do you approach a sex candidate in a social and hand her a candy heart that said “UR A QT” and smoothly walk away, just to await her quick approach to come flirt with you? Doubtful.
Even as the years passed and society shifted, the conversation hearts tried to roll with it. They updated to “fax me” then “txt me” and even “tweet me”. While I appreciate the evolution and got a kick out of the “tweet me” heart (I’m an avid tweeter – follow me @Bacon_and_Legs!) I think that they could be a little better.
The biggest mistake is thinking that everyone needs the same kind of conversation hearts. I mean, George Michael Bluth really lucked out finding a “Maybe Tonight” heart to give to his cousin. If she weren’t named Maeby, he’d have been fucked. MAYBE if he could have picked up a bag of the “Get Laid” conversation hearts, he’d have been set regardless.
I think this is exactly what they should do. A themed back for all your needs!
Get Laid Conversation Hearts
“D 4 UR V”
“I M A SCREAMER”
“ILL CALL U”
“BUY U MORE SHOTS”
Desperate Cat Lady Conversation Hearts
“I GIVE GOOD PETS”
Talk Nerdy To Me Conversation Hearts
“BE MY COMPANION”
“DO IT ALL 4 THE WOOKIE”
“FEEL ME UP, SCOTTY”
“<3 IN ALDERAAN PLACES”
Since they aren’t available (yet!?) you could always try making your own. I found this great little recipe over at foodnetwork.com (below).
Make them or don’t, but definitely leave a comment and let me know what your conversation hearts would say!
Homemade Conversation Hearts
(Recipe from FoodNetwork.com)
- 1 1/4 ounce packet unflavored gelatin powder
- 1 tablespoon light corn syrup
- 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1/8 teaspoon salt
- 2 1 -pound boxes confectioners’ sugar (about 8 cups), plus more for kneading
- Assorted food coloring, for tinting
- Assorted extracts (such as peppermint, strawberry or almond), for flavoring (optional)
- Cooking spray
- Food decorating pens, for writing
Whisk the gelatin, corn syrup, vanilla, salt and 1/2 cup boiling water in a stand mixer bowl until the gelatin dissolves. Using the paddle attachment, beat in the confectioners’ sugar on medium-low speed, 1 cup at a time, to make a stiff, sticky dough.
Transfer the dough to a clean surface and knead, adding more confectioners’ sugar as needed (up to 1 cup), until the dough is smooth, pliable and slightly tacky, about 5 minutes.
Divide the dough into 4 pieces. Flatten 1 piece into a disk. (Cover the rest with plastic wrap.) Add a few drops each of food coloring and extract to the center of the dough; fold in the sides and pinch closed, then knead until the color is distributed.
Lightly coat a large piece of parchment paper with cooking spray. Roll out the colored dough on the parchment until 1/8 to 1/4 inch thick. Cut into hearts using 1-inch cookie cutters; transfer to a parchment-lined baking sheet. Repeat with the remaining dough, using different colors and extracts. Let the hearts sit at room temperature, uncovered, until dry and hard, about 24 hours, flipping them halfway through. Write messages on the hearts using food decorating pens. Store in an airtight container for up to 1 week.
Fontina Turner, a food blogger and graphic designer from Philadelphia, makes classy-as-fuck comfort food and consumes an unhealthy amount of cheeses and craft beers. She can be found in the kitchen, at the bar, on Twitter or trying to make H. Jon Benjamin love her. Contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.