Bacon and Legs – Adventure Time Time

Fontina Turner

Fontina Turner

Life is busy as shit. I know I’m not the only one. I can barely keep up and I don’t have things like kids or a yard. That’s how I know that you guys are all just like me (or worse). You have “your shows” and you don’t watch them. No matter how much you love them, at the end of the day, you need a beer, you need a bath or you just need to crash.

With all of this wonderful technology at your fingertips, you don’t fret about catching your show live. It’ll just be there, waiting for you on your TiVo, NetFlix, OnDemand or wherevs. Then the next week is even busier. What’s one more episode? Before you know it you’re a whole season behind and you’re dodging spoilers on Twitter like it’s the ugly girl at the end of the bar.

That’s what happened to me. Well, not the spoilers so much because the show isn’t as plot-driven, but I haven’t seen any of the new Adventure Time season on Cartoon Network. The season actually ended in January. I have a big fucking marathon ahead of me.

Like any proper super-fan, I’m going to prep for it. That means, I obviously need refreshments. I’m thinking I could make the Jake and Lady Raincorn cupcakes from last year, but a woman cannot exist on cake alone. (I don’t actually know if I believe that.) So, you know what needs to happen? Jake’s Time Sandwich.

It’s from episode XX. Jake makes his perfect sandwich and then right before he eats it, Magic Man steals it and puts it in a bubble where time moves slower than in the real world. Ever since seeing that episode, I’ve wanted to make this thing. How could you not?

Then, just because I’m a double-fisting kind of girl, I have TWO cocktails to go with the sandwich. A Finn and Tonic that has a bit of blueberry added to it and a Princess Bubblegum, a Candy Kingdom specialty.

Who’s with me? Get drunk, get full, curl up with your stuffed Jake doll and marathon season five of Adventure Time! It’ll be mathematical!

Time Sandwich


  • 1 hoagie roll
  • a generous shmear of cream cheese
  • 3 dill pickle slices
1 tbsp chopped fresh dill
  • 2 slices chicken breast (the bird from my window happened to be a chicken)
  • 1 hard boiled egg, sliced
  • 4 thin slices of common cucumber, peeled
  • 2 thin slices of roma tomato
  • 2 sweet yellow onion rings
  • 2 slices prosciutto*
  • 3 slices bacon
  • tears (1/8 tsp salt, dissolved in 1 tsp water)
  • 1/4 cup lobster soul (you can find this in it’s claw meat)

Preheat oven to 400. Open the roll on a baking sheet and toast it in the oven for five minutes.

Shmear the crap out of it with cream cheese. Then start assembling. Pickles, dill, bird from window, hard boiled egg, cucumber, tomato, onion, prosciutto, bacon, salt water and lobster.

Hurry and eat it before Magic Man comes to steal it.

*Jake actually uses meat prepared sous vide, but trust me, this is much easier.

Finn & Tonic


  • 2 oz gin
  • 2 oz blueberry juice
  • tonic
  • 3 blueberries, skewered on a bad-ass sword

Mix gin and blueberry juice. Pour over ice in a collins glass. Top off with tonic. Garnish with blueberries and sword.

Princess Bubblegum


  • 2 oz. Three Olives Bubble
  • 2 oz. Pom
  • club soda
  • bubblegum flavored Pop Rocks

Rim a collins glass with Pop Rocks. In a shaker, mix Bubble and Pom. Pour over ice in your rimmed glass. Top with club soda.

Fontina Turner, a food blogger and graphic designer from Philadelphia, makes classy-as-fuck comfort food and consumes an unhealthy amount of cheeses and craft beers. She can be found in the kitchen, at the bar, on Twitter or trying to make H. Jon Benjamin love her. Contact her at

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