There are conveniences in life that we have become accustomed to: Grub Hub, Amazon Prime, Netflix … we barely have to interact with humans to get a hot delicious dinner delivered to our door, rent a movie or order anything in the whole damn world, so long as we’re willing to wait anywhere from five seconds to two days.
But that’s boring, right? Oh, the pizza delivery guy is here. (Ugh, I have to talk to him.) Oooh, I just ordered my hot pink Kitchen Aid stand mixer! (Are you kidding? I have to wait TWO fucking days to make cookies in something pink?) Yessss … I’m renting The Avengers! (It’s buffering? This is outrageous. I pay $6 a month for this shit!)
I think we’re getting spoiled, you guys. I’m not saying it’s bad (it’s a little bad) but maybe we need to chill out a little.
Not that that’s going to be happening any time soon. We’re only going to get worse. We are spoiled little assholes who are growing more impatient with each passing day. I recently took a quiz on how many #firstworldproblems (yes, I just hashtagged in an article) that I had, and I am disappointed to announce that I complain of 85 of the 100 presented to me.
It’s not really our faults, right? (Of course not, nothing is.) We’re being spoiled by these companies and these corporations with their great innovative ideas. They aren’t stopping either. They are coming on faster and stronger to make you lazier and more anti-social than you ever could imagine. Not long ago, our editor, Joel Murphy wrote a piece about Amazon Prime’s drone system, Prime Air, that they are testing out. That would get you some of your Amazon orders in 30 minutes. Oh shit, did your curling iron break before your date? No bigs, just order one on Amazon, it’ll be there before you’re done shaving your pits. Amazon isn’t the only company with new ideas and we are just guinea pigs in the lazy wheel of corporate American life.
It’s not just Americans though. I know it’s easy to dump on us because we’re fat and useless. (I resent that, by the way. I work way too hard to be shat on by other countries with that stereotype.) Australia! You’re up! Australian-based company Jafflechutes parachutes a grilled cheese sandwich down to you. You order online (via Paypal). They mark an X on the sidewalk. You stand there and a grilled cheese (a jaffle, down under) lands at your feet.
I get that it’s a gimmick. If they just sold grilled cheese out of a storefront you really wouldn’t give a flying fuck. But damn, it’s a pretty fun gimmick. Plus, it plays right into our lazy, anti-social desires. You dirty, delicious sandwich-makers, you.
It gets better. Very, very soon, they will be coming to New York City. I think it’s still to be determined when, but within the next month or so, you lovely New Yorkers will be able to chute a jaffle right into your facehole.
If you wanna see a little vid to get a better idea on how it all works, check it out here.
I’m not far from New York, I might go just to try it. But then that’s sort of the opposite of convenient.
Hey, Jafflechutes, when are you gonna parachute me down a nice bottle of beer?
3-Cheese, Bacon and Lemon Curd Grilled Cheese
(Fontina Turner’s Favorite Grilled Cheese –
from Bacon and Legs)
- 2 slices of rustic bread*
- lemon curd
- crispy-as-fuck bacon
- blue cheese
Lay both slices of bread out and cover in fontina. Spread a layer of lemon curd over the fontina. (If you spread it on the bread directly, it’ll soak in and the flavors will get muddy.)
Take one of your pieces of bread/cheese/lemon shit and add slices of brie, a layer of bacon and then top with blue cheese.
Close up your sandwich and butter both sides. Cook over medium heat in a skillet, using a press to flatten it. (If you’re fancy, go ahead and break out your panini press.)
Cook for a few minutes per side, until the bread is nice and brown/crusty and the cheese is melty.
Slice and devour.
* I made my bread using a recipe similar to the NY Times no-knead recipe.
Fontina Turner, a food blogger and graphic designer from Philadelphia, makes classy-as-fuck comfort food and consumes an unhealthy amount of cheeses and craft beers. She can be found in the kitchen, at the bar, on Twitter or trying to make H. Jon Benjamin love her. Contact her at email@example.com.