Positive Cynicism – How depression talks to you

Aaron R. Davis

I’ve resolved to be nice to people. I’m just going to take it one day at a time and be a nice presence in the world. Yeah, there’s a lot to worry about, but now I’m going to worry about it on my own terms. I’m tired of feeling bad all the time. I can’t believe I’m even letting myself acknowledge this, but I actually feel pretty darn good for once.

Uh-oh. Something really bad just happened to you. See what happens when you let yourself feel good? You relax your paranoid hypervigilance and the bad stuff slips past the radar. Now what are you going to do?

Well, it’s a setback, I’ll be honest. But getting upset about it won’t help the situation. I’m going to keep a clear head and try to fix this.

You probably can’t fix this. You’re not capable. You can barely even take care of yourself. In case you haven’t noticed, you can’t even hold down a job because you’re such a head case.

I know, but … well, it just hurts feeling bad all the time. I don’t want to think like that.

Yeah, but it’s only because you don’t want to face your real feelings: that bad things happen because you’re a burden weighing down everyone you love.

This is all about energy. I’m going to take a walk and burn off this negativity.

Why? What will it help? You’ll still be out of shape at the end of it, but now you’ll just be tired, too. Well, MORE tired than you usually are. You are pretty tired, aren’t you?

Yeah, I’m pretty tired.

Maybe you should take a nap.

That’s just avoidant behavior.

What are you avoiding? Feeling bad about all of these things you can’t control?

I guess you’re right. And laying down feels good.

Of course it does; you’re lazy and you’re not good at anything.

Yeah, I guess that’s true.

You should be ashamed of yourself just cutting off and napping.

I am. Maybe I can just do something?

Why? You’re not even good at anything? What does it matter?

Well, then I might feel less useless.

You already are useless, so what’s the point? Remember all of that stuff you were going to do with your life? You barely even tried because you were afraid. When you’re napping, you don’t have to be afraid of anything.

But then I just want to cry about all of the things that have gone wrong. I don’t know how to fix them and it makes me feel weak and powerless.

You ARE weak and powerless. So why bother trying? What’s the point of fixing anything when things just go wrong all the time? And who even really cares? You don’t even like to look people in the eye because it shames you, because you can’t bear the way it puts you on the same level as a PERSON with an IDENTITY who DESERVES to be here. Better to just stay inside and let the world figure itself out.

I just want to feel good. Maybe I should eat. I haven’t eaten all day today.

Eating is for people. THIN people. People who have earned it.

Yeah.

You don’t even deserve to be here. Remember your sister? She died of cancer two days before she would have turned 14. SHE was a person. And she was taken away and you were left behind. How is that fair?

It’s not.

It doesn’t make sense, does it? For a 13 year-old girl with her whole life in front of her to die, and for you, a lazy bum who no one even likes, with no ambition, with no goals, with nothing but crippling debt and mental disorders who can’t handle a job, who doesn’t even know what he wants to do with his life because he can’t even imagine he might be good at anything, who is constantly having weeks-long breakdowns, who is nothing but a financial and emotional drain on people he supposedly loves, who is uncomfortable with the idea that anyone would love him because he doesn’t even consider himself a human being… does it make sense for her to be gone and for you to be the one that gets to live?

No.

Don’t you feel guilty?

Yes, all the time.

So, if that doesn’t make sense, then what’s the point of anything?

I don’t know. I really don’t.

Did you know that you hate yourself so much that you don’t even form long-term memories of happiness? You can’t even remember whole chunks of your life.

I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I know I’m inadequate. I just want to lay here now.

God, your home is dirty.

I know.

Why don’t you clean up a little?

Why? What’s the point?

I don’t remember. What were we talking about?

I don’t remember, either. I’ll just nap here for a while if that’s okay.

Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at samuraifrog@yahoo.com