Positive Cynicism – Short takes

Aaron Davis

Aaron R. Davis

Because sometimes you don’t have a grand point to make; sometimes you have sarcasm and outright complaints and don’t want to set up a Twitter account.

Here’s how I imagine every creative meeting begins at GEICO: “So, my five year-old said the funniest thing last night…” And that’s how shitty commercials are born.

Wait, Britney Spears uses Auto-Tune? Next you’ll be telling me that musicians use overdubs, TV shows use editing, all of those science fiction movies aren’t shot in outer space, people use appearance-altering cosmetics and Mary had a little lamb.

I just finished the new and final season of Californication. My beloved first imaginary girlfriend Heather Graham was playing a woman with a college-aged son. Didn’t seem right to me, but yeah, she’s 44. Jesus, I’m turning 38 this week. I could have a son about to start college. When did I get so old, man? Wasn’t I just 20 a second ago?

Honestly, I don’t mind seeing Pacific Rim 2, but I’d be a hundred times more excited for Hellboy 3.

The problem with “I Just Called to Say I Love You” isn’t that it’s a bad song. The problem is that it’s a bad song that goes on for six damn minutes.

“Hey, it’s a free country” is a phrase only ever said by assholes to justify asshole behavior. Something to think about.

Just think: there are also so many creative things you can do with fan art that aren’t just putting Disney princesses and Muppets and Captain Kirk in the costumes of other fictional characters.

These last few news cycles have really shown me that I’m not ready for the next several years of endless fanwank speculation over every tiny Star Wars rumor. But it’s adorable that your “every-movie-since-Empire Strikes Back” hatin’ ass thinks you’re going to like these new ones.

Here’s every Internet comment boiled down to its essence: “I’m being cute about how much smarter than you I think I am, not that it matters, even though it desperately does because I’ve got nothing else.”

I assume the sequel to The Lego Movie will be about the kid from the first one getting bored with Legos, because that’s the real circle of life that movies don’t show you: you shove your loves aside in order to work hard and take care of your kid, and your kid shows you that you can love and nurture your inner child and be a good parent. And then the kid gets older and interested in boobs and suddenly being around dad is lame, because kids are ungrateful dicks.

I rather like being a househusband and taking care of the home. I also rather like that spell check recognizes the word “househusband.”

Despite what movies and TV shows are telling you this year, cancer is not this blessing that helps you put your life in order so you can figure out what’s really important. It’s a nightmare that kills people and devastates the ones who get left behind for the rest of their lives.

Every time I see fans of Game of Thrones all but demanding a Congressional inquiry into why something from the books hasn’t happened yet, I really, really hope this is the time someone connected with the show is finally going to say “Maybe you’ll just have to be patient and watch the story unfold, you ungrateful fuck.”

Recently, my therapist (my second) moved and left the agency, so I had to transition to another new one. Here was our last conversation at our last appointment together.

    Her: “Do you have plans tonight?”

    Me: “Pretty Little Liars is on tonight.”

    Her: “Are you really into it right now?”

    Me: “Well, it’s that shaky part when they come back from a break and somehow forget all of the knowledge they accumulated, so they’re acting dumb about things right now, which is frustrating, but it’s just the calm bit before the storm.

    Her: “So this is what you’re excited about tonight?”

    Me, shrugging: “It’s got very pretty girls on it.”

Let people complain if they have to vent. They’re not asking you for a solution to something. They just need to get it out and feel like they’ve been heard.

If I’ve learned one thing on Tumblr, it’s that some people love comics, some people love 80s movies, some people love politics, some people love porn, some people love pictures of beautiful celebrities, some people love cool fantasy art, some people love video games, some people love selfies and personal posts, but it’s very rare that people like all of these things in the same place at once like they’d find them in real life.

Are the commercials for the new Cameron Diaz movie Sex Tape specifically designed to irrationally piss you off as much as possible? Because I cannot see one of them without wanting to fly into a rage. They are more rage-inducing than Wendy’s commercials, which is saying a lot, actually.

Bad enough that everyone on commercials is so insufferably pleased with themselves these days.

Here’s something to keep in mind when you’re about to say something. You know who says “I hate to be That Guy here”? That Guy. Always That Guy. There’s no such thing as playing That Guy’s advocate. What you’re about to say makes you That Guy.

I just saw a promo clip about Jurassic World that said the movie was set 22 years after the original Jurassic Park. Does that mean they’re doing a near future type of thing, or … oh, wait. When it comes out next year, it will actually be 22 years since Jurassic Park came out in 1993.

When? When did I get this goddamn old?!

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Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at samuraifrog@yahoo.com

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