Positive Cynicism – The relationship between man and smart phone
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“Cortana, when my wife calls, remind me to tell her happy anniversary.”
“Oh, and remind me to get roses when I’m near any flower shop.”
“Cortana, if my wife doesn’t call me by three, please remind me that I’m a grown man and that I am, in fact, allowed to call her and tell her happy anniversary because I probably appreciate her at least that much.”
“Oh, and send her a message reminding her that, since this is a special occasion and she’s looking forward to a night when she doesn’t have to do anything, I still expect her to have dinner on the table when I get there. Tell her to go big; it’s our anniversary, after all. And I’m the kind of guy who finds anniversaries so important that I need a phone to remind me when mine is, so, you know, you get what you pay for, or something.”
“Cortana, remind me what my wife’s name even is again.”
“Oh, and I really don’t feel like working right now, so could we just look at my fantasy football stats for a while? That would be really comforting, Cortana.”
“Cortana, were you listening to that phone call? Do you think my wife sounded a little chilly over the phone?”
“Oh, and remind me to pick up my dry cleaning on the way home.”
“Cortana, I can’t stop thinking about this phone call I had with my wife. Do you think I’m just paranoid, or did she sound irritated? Am I disappointing her on her anniversary?”
“Oh, and would you look up and see if I could arrange a last minute hot air balloon ride? I think I might have to go bigger this year.”
“Cortana … this is unrelated, but look up my high school girlfriend on Facebook. Her name is in my contacts under ‘Building Maintenance.’ No reason, I’m just curious, I want to see if she kept it tight or not.”
“Oh, and look up hotel room rates in her city. No reason, it’s just something for later. Not today, because it’s my anniversary.”
“Cortana, seriously, though, she sounded kind of disappointed, right?”
“Oh, and let’s look up animal shelters in the area and see if any cute puppies need homes. Women like puppies, right?”
“Cortana, am I trapped in a loveless sham of a marriage?”
“Oh, and remind me to look for advice about what to do when you’re thinking about getting divorced but your father-in-law runs the company you work for.”
“Cortana, could you order me a pizza, please?”
“Oh, and remind me not to eat too many of my feelings today. God, what an idiot.”
“Cortana, does everyone think I’m just ridiculous?”
“Oh, don’t answer that, Cortana. Just look up nutrition information on pepperoni, okay?”
“Cortana … how come you never want to talk about why I cry in the afternoon?”
“Oh, and look up that Taylor Swift video I like. I could really use a pick-me-up right now.”
“Cortana, I changed my mind, let’s just watch some porn. You know the kind I like. Look me up something where the guy’s crying and tied up.”
“Oh, and remind me to lock the door this time. Er … I guess I could just do that now.”
“Cortana, can I program you with commands for me? Like, in your voice, you could order me around a little bit? In, like … an adult way?”
“Oh, and maybe you could call me names a bit?”
“Cortana … don’t ever let a call from my parents come through while I’m watching adult videos again.”
“Oh, and let’s look up what apartment rental rates are here in the city. THAT MUCH? WHAT THE HELL?”
“Cortana. I need ice cream. Please tell me in five minute to stop eating ice cream.”
“Oh, what the hell, it’s my anniversary: another ten minutes.”
“Cortana, put that video back on and look up safe nooses for autoerotic asphyxiation. I need this!”
“Oh, and I’m going to set you to vibrate. Is there a way I can make you vibrate for, say, four straight minutes?”
“Cortana, that was so wild. I … I don’t even know if I can look at you right now. I’ve never put anything in there before, but that was a real eye-opener. No pun intended, ha ha!”
“Oh, man, could you imagine getting Siri in a threesome? That would be crazy! You guys can’t really talk to each other like on the commercial, right? Ha ha, just kidding, I swear!”
“Cortana, how do you clean a smart phone? Do I have to get a new one now?”
“Oh, and is it easy to transfer the information from one to the other?”
“Cortana … thanks for being there for me today. Let’s go home so I can treat my wife like a goddamn princess for our anniversary!”
“Oh, and remind me of her name again?”
“Cortana, it’s going to be a great night.”
“Oh, wow, thanks for the traffic alert. I’d better get going.”
Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at samuraifrog@yahoo.com