Aaron R. Davis
So, this is another one of my columns that’s going to mainly be random thoughts, because I haven’t been getting enough sleep lately and I don’t have anything to sustain an entire column.
:: I know rationally that 38 isn’t really that old. But when you give in to nostalgia, have a bowl of your favorite childhood cereal (Cap’n Crunch) and then feel impossibly sick afterward, 38 feels ancient.
:: Art teachers really need to stop teaching kids that there’s only one way to do something. The history of the very subject they’re teaching completely belies that sort of thinking.
:: After reading the same headline about some new movie going into production for the 14th time in one day, I become convinced that there are somehow more entertainment news sites than there are actual people on the planet.
:: Some websites are so damn gleeful about how Water.org won’t accept the post-Fappening donation from Reddit, which says to me that some websites are okay with letting people die of thirst in order to prove a point.
:: Dear Kanye West: If you want a standing ovation, fucking earn one.
:: I’m getting really sick of this year’s parade of inspirational death porn. The Fault in Our Stars, Chasing Life, If I Stay, Red Band Society … I’ve worked with sick kids. I watched my sister die of cancer when she was 13. Cancer isn’t some magical plot device that gives you clarity about your life. Kids don’t get sick just to inspire you to find what’s “really important” by watching TV.
:: Mexico got angry with Miley Cyrus for disrespecting the Mexican flag, which I’m sure is totally the worst thing that happened in Mexico last week.
:: When I was eight, another boy in my neighborhood tried to shoot me with a bow and arrow because he thought it’d be funny, but please continue explaining how bullying’s not a big deal and boys will be boys.
:: I once signed up for something online under a fake name to see how often my email would be sold. 15 years later and Boom Shaker still gets spam emails.
:: Using the abbreviation “smh” for “shaking my head” is just another way of saying “I’m a condescending, judgmental prick.”
:: I think the set photos are neat, too, but I think some of you need to get over this idea that because it’s not George Lucas and there are more physical effects, that means Episode VII is automatically better than the Star Wars Prequels. Deciding you love this movie already is pretty stupid, especially considering it comes from the guy who made the two Star Trek movies you can’t stop loudly hating. (Half of you are going to have a panic attack right when the movie starts and the Fox logo isn’t there.)
:: So I finally had Chipotle and it is just sad the way America gets enthusiastic over bland, inedible food that’s been desiccating in warming trays as long as the bread’s okay. (See: Subway.)
:: Stop making assumptions about people just because they don’t like the kind of music you do. 90 percent of that is temporal, anyway. Did you see Gene Simmons whining about how rock is dead now? It’s not dead; it’s just not aimed at grumpy dudes in their sixties. Each generation makes music for themselves, and just because it’s not aimed at you, that doesn’t mean it’s “bad.” It’s just not for you.
:: Corollary to that: boy, white dudes over the age of 35 sure do get pissy when they’re opinions don’t automatically matter in every type of criticism, don’t they? I say this as a white dude over 35. Maybe, as a white dude over 35, Twilight’s not aimed at you and the people who like it don’t care what you have to say about it.
:: Also a corollary to that: dudes who say “women aren’t funny” need to realize that what they actually mean is “I can’t relate to your material and that scares and angers me because I demand that my male experience be the default setting for all of culture.”
:: Starbucks, where every customer wants hand-crafted, artisanal coffee served as quickly and haphazardly as possible.
:: A scam email that tells me I need to log in to PayPal because of suspicious activity on my account might be more convincing if I didn’t get five of them in a row.
:: I pitched a list to BuzzFeed: “37 Photos I Had in a Folder Labeled ‘Work’ That Sort of Have a Theme I Just Pulled Out of My Ass.” They rejected it. I had another idea: “22 Screenshots of Reddit Comments Pasted on Somewhat Related Stock Photos.” They shot that down, too. So now I’m afraid to pitch them my next list idea, “49 Uncredited Gifs Stolen from Tumblr and Presented as Actual Content.” I’m sincerely worried I’ll never get paid to surf the Internet and steal content.
:: I wish instead of stealing nude pictures and ripping off poor people’s Gmail passwords, hackers would do something worthy like give us all free HBO. Next time you’re hacking Bank of America’s servers, how about wiping out everyone’s debt, instead? The next headline about hacking I want to read is: “Sallie Mae devastated as hackers erase all student loans.”
Hoping really hard on that last one.
Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at email@example.com