[Editor’s Note – This column originally ran on the site on August 14, 2013.]
Dear Lime Green Skittle,
What happened, man?
You’ve always been there front and center with the rest of your crew. You were one of the founding five. You’re an OG. While wacky fads like Wild Berry, Tart-N-Tangy and Crazy Cores have come and gone over the years, the original Skittles clan has been going strong since 1974. You are titans of the industry, kings of the candy aisle. Together, you guys are unstoppable.
So how could you get ousted by Green Apple, bro? How did it come to this? How could you let the other four send you packing?
Sure, Green Apple attempted a brief coup d’état back in 2001, but in the end, like a philandering spouse who finally sees the error of his ways, the other four founding Skittles came crawling back. And Green Apple went back to obscurity, where it fucking belongs. That should have been the end of it. Your delicious candy brethren shouldn’t have pulled a permanent Katie Holmes on you, unceremoniously dropping you for the Maggie Gyllenhaal of candy flavors and just sort of assuming everyone would be on board with it. You deserve better than that. (And so did Katie Holmes, frankly. She’s been through so much with the Scientology brainwashing and the couch-jumping, manic husband/baby daddy. It should have been her strapped to that chair surrounded by all of The Joker’s explosive oil drums … even if Gyllenhall was really great in the role.)
Where did things go wrong? Why did they send you packing? Did you get too big for your shell? Did you start talking smack about your fellow OGs? Or had you simply gotten too complacent? Did they begin to take you for granted? Did you refuse to do the weird stuff? Or are they sending you a powerful message? Was your relegation to the Darkside Skittles pack (under the incredibly emo sounding “Midnight Lime” title) meant to humble you? Have you been banished to the “other side of the rainbow”?
You guys were The Beatles of delicious snacks. You, Grape, Lemon, Orange and Strawberry combine to make a harmonious cacophony of flavors. Any two of you are a delicious combo. Popping all five of you into one’s mouth at the same time is a rich symphony of tastiness. Your flavor profiles combined are like an Abbey Road for one’s taste buds.
Whatever caused the rift between you and the others, it can’t be for good. You guys are simply too wonderful together to cast you aside forever.
Green Apple may have taken your spot, but it can never truly replace you. It isn’t a team player. It doesn’t blend well with the other guys. Green Apple needs to be noticed. It has to be the center of attention at all times. Instead of making the other guys in the pack look good, bringing out new facets of their flavors with its own, Green Apple overpowers anyone else unfortunate enough to share a mouth with it. It makes everything too Green Appley. It can’t help itself.
You and the other four were equals. Like The Beatles, everyone may have a favorite one, but deep down they all know you guys are best when you are together. Replacing you with that self-centered, attention hog Green Apple has relegated the other four to unassuming background players. They went from being stars of the concert to mere Pips to Green Apple’s Gladys Knight.
And you, with your fellow “Darksiders,” have become an even stranger musical group. Blood Orange, Forbidden Fruit, Pomegranate and Dark Berry are bizarro versions of your old team. In short, you are Fozzie Bear performing with The Moopets. And that’s not good for anyone.
So it’s time for a grand gesture, Lime. It’s time for you to get your crew back. Go full on John Cusack with a boombox if you must. Or go more hostile and direct, taking out Green Apple by any means necessary. Frame him, beat him down, sell him to your Darkside peeps for a pack of cigarettes. Whatever it takes.
Whether your old friends will admit it or not, you complete that iconic red bag. And you complete me.
There is only one green Skittle in my heart. So you should be the only green Skittle in my red bag of deliciousness.
Baby come back.
Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. Follow Joel on Twitter @FreeMisterClark or email him at email@example.com.