Season five is fast approaching and I wanted to get the ball rolling again. If there’s one thing that has become glaringly apparent since those innocent days of Jon Snow Balls, it’s that no one is safe and everyone dies. Granted, pre-season three, we already had an inkling that that was the case. Hell, we were scared in season one. But the beheading of Ned Stark seems like a fucking day at the beach compared to the last couple of seasons, amirite!?
I can’t celebrate the lives (or deaths, in some cases) of everyone we’ve lost through the past four years, but I’m going to commemorate a few of them the only I know how: through theme recipes.
I’ve got a whole meal prepared for you this week.
Firstly, giving a nod to perhaps the most epic moment in show history, we have Catelyn Stark’s Red Wedding Soup. There was no shortage of gore in the show (or the book) but try not to think too hard about that when you’re eating this classic Italian Wedding Soup made with a delicious tomato broth.
Next up, we’re taking it way back with Robert Baratheon’s Drunken Boar Sandwich. What seemed like the dumb, senseless death of a jolly, happy king was actually an act of sabotage, treason and regicide. To honor the warrior, we have beer braised pork ribs and crispy apple slaw atop a sandwich roll, large enough for a Robert himself to be satisfied by.
The dessert course is going to … what I believe has been the best match of life and death. The great Tywin Lannister and all of the shitty things he did in his life, dies on the … well, shitter. I found this death the most satisfying so far. Tyrion really got his just desserts. (Sorry, couldn’t help myself.) So for that asshole who shits gold, I’ve prepared the Tywin Lannister’s Brownie Commode à la Mode: a fudgey brownie topped with vanilla ice cream and healthy drizzle of lemon curd.
Raise a glass to the departed, my friends. And stay tuned for the next installment of this year’s recipes … because I sure as fuck am not done yet.
In a mixing bowl, knead together your beef, garlic, egg, bread crumbs, cheese and ¼ cup parmesan cheese. Don’t be a puss, use your hands. Mix totes completely. Form meatballs, no larger than an inch in diameter.
In a dutch oven (or large soup pot), heat olive oil over medium heat. Plop in meatballs and turn until browned (6-8 minutes). Remove to a plate aside.
Stir in garlic and onions to the olive oil. Cook for about 5 minutes, until softened and fragrant.
Add in tomatoes and chicken broth. Bring to boil. Add in pasta. Cook for about 5 minutes. Add in meatballs and spinach. Simmer for about 5 minutes or until pasta is al dente.
Serve with a sprinkle of parm and a knife across the throat.
1 tbsp corn starch (dissolved in ¼ cup cold water)
1 granny smith apples, julienned
2 stalks celery, julienned
1 tsp rosemary, minced
2 tbsp plain yogurt
1 tbsp apple cider vinegar
1 tbsp pale ale
¼ tsp whole grain dijon
1 garlic clove, minced
salt and pepper
Toss together all of the slaw ingredients. (Salt and pepper to taste.) Refrigerate until ready to use. (This can be made ahead of time.)
Layout the pork ribs and sprinkle with salt and pepper.
Heat a large pot over medium heat. Melt 2 tbsp butter. Add in ribs. Cook about three minutes, flip, cook another three minutes. Remove to a plate.
Add in diced onion and garlic. Stir until translucent (about five minutes). Stir in pale ale and beef broth. Bring to a boil and scrape the bottom of the pan to release the yummy pork bits. Add ribs back into the pot. Cover and cook on medium-low for an 2 hours, stirring and rearranging occasionally.
Remove to a cutting board. Cut into bite-sized chunks.
With the liquid still on the burner, slowly whisk in the corn starch. Cook for 2-3 minutes. Return meat to the sauce mixture. Stir gently to coat. Remove from heat.
Preheat oven to 400°.
On a baking sheet, lay out rolls. Butter liberally. Put in oven for 6-8 minutes. Bread should be slightly toasty but soft and chewy.
Place roll on plate and pile on pig meat then pack in some slaw. Serve with a skin or 3 of ale or wine.
Preheat oven to 350°. Spray an 8x8 baking dish with cooking spray. Set aside.
In a large glass bowl, place butter and 8 oz semisweet chocolate. Place the bowl on a saucepan of simmering water (a double-boiler, if you will) and stir until the chocolate is melted. Remove from heat. Whisk in sugar and salt until smooth. Whisk in eggs. Gently whisk in flour until JUST mixed. Don’t over-do that shit. Fold in chocolate chips.
Spread batter into the prepared pan. Sprinkle with… um, sprinkles. Bake for 45-50 minutes. When you stick a toothpick or knife into the center, it should come out clean. Cool.
Serve with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and top with some lemon curd. (If your curd is a little thicker than you’d like, just heat it in the microwave for 10 seconds or so.) Eat it… but maybe not while sitting on the crapper.
Fontina Turner, a food blogger and graphic designer from Philadelphia, makes classy-as-fuck comfort food and consumes an unhealthy amount of cheeses and craft beers. She can be found in the kitchen, at the bar, on Twitter or trying to make H. Jon Benjamin love her. Contact her at email@example.com.