There’s this up-and-coming actor … he’s hardly done a thing. Totally untalented and untrained. He’s a little homely. He has no charm, what-so-ever. He has this terrible British accent. People have a really hard time rooting for him. You probably haven’t even heard his name. It’s Beneduck Cucumberpatch. Or … something like that. Regardless, I see something in him that no one else in this world does. I happen to think this Mr. Nobody is going places some day.
I want to help the poor guy out … spread the word. I want Benefiber Cumberbun to be a household name. It might be a bit of a stretch, but I’ve compiled a list of reasons why you should give him a shot.
He seems like a decent husband. He gets ridiculous amounts of attention from his fans/stalkers. (If my husband got that kind of attention, I’d be smacking some bitches up.) But it’s been well-acknowledged that his behaviors are that of a caring and attentive husband who is madly in love with his wife. I mean, we aren’t at home with him (or at least you better not be, crazy stalkers), so of course these are all presumptions based on public behaviors, but it’s a comforting conclusion to draw.
Feminism. Sure, he famously posed for Elle UK in a shirt that touted: “This is what a feminist looks like.” But anyone can put on a t-shirt. More importantly, he showed a bit of his concern over feminism when he came out against the name of his fan group, “The Cumberbitches”, stating that he did not like the term and that they are “Cumberpeople.” Granted, this also upset people. But you can’t please everyone and I commend him for stating his opinion. He’s proving he is empathetic toward the cause and doesn’t just dismiss it as something not worthy of his time.
The dude is current. Not in his fame. In his knowledge of current affairs. He has been known to cover his face with messages to the paparazzi about things they should actually be bringing mass attention to. (So you should probably stop reading the column right now and go watch the news.)
Sincerely funny. Seriously. Read his AMA, watch him on late night shows, read his interviews. I don’t even need to give specifics, anything you find, you’ll see it. He’s genuinely light hearted and entertaining. It’s difficult not to smile.
Have you seen the guy?
You might not have needed the list. Maybe you see what I see in him. If you do, then you’re ready for this. The Benelick Cumbersnatch fan breakfast. I Britished up Eggs Benedict. That’s all.
Fill a medium saucepan with water and bring to a simmer, then reduce the heat to a sub-simmer.
Place a mesh strainer over a bowl and crack your first egg into it. Gently shake the strainer to remove any loose egg. Slowly tip it into the water. Swirl the water lightly until the egg has firmed up a bit, around 15 seconds. Let the egg cook for 3-4 minutes, or until the white is fully set and the yolk is still soft. Repeat with other egg.
Toast your english muffin. Top with three half-slices of bacon per side. Remove the poached egg from the water with a slotted spoon and place on top of the bacon. Top each egg with a spoonful of hollandaise sauce and garnish with chives. Serve alongside an English fry-up, if desired.
In a small saucepan, whisk together the yolks, water and lemon juice until thick and pale.
Set the pan over low heat and continue to whisk thoroughly. Periodically remove the pan from the heat to moderate the temperature.
As they cook, they’ll become frothy and thick. When you can see the bottom through the streaks of the whisk and they are thick and smooth, remove the pan from the heat.
By spoonfuls, add in the butter, whisking constantly. As it emulsifies, you can add the butter in larger amounts. Continue adding until the sauce is the desired consistency.
Season with salt, pepper and cayenne. Taste and adjust the seasoning. Serve lukewarm. (If it gets too gloopy, just heat it up over the stove for a few more seconds.)
For the English Fry-Up, serve the Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch with baked beans, sausages, grilled tomato halves and tea or coffee.
Fontina Turner, a food blogger and graphic designer from Philadelphia, makes classy-as-fuck comfort food and consumes an unhealthy amount of cheeses and craft beers. She can be found in the kitchen, at the bar, on Twitter or trying to make H. Jon Benjamin love her. Contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.